FringyLiz's Journal, 21 August 2017

Bleargh. I feel like a troll. Too sick and fat and ugly to be safe interacting with regular people, so I sit here in my basement lair and amass piles of garbage and rot around me to hide the treasure, plotting the downfall of my enemies. I'm hoping a goat or two wanders by this week, or maybe a party of adventurers. I'm getting a bit peckish.

Okay, so maybe it isn't quite that bad, but I know I am letting my physical condition isolate me more than is healthy. It's just so much work to get out of the house. And most of my interactions with the general public involve them trying to "help", and causing me more pain. It's really hard to take someone yelling at you about how ungrateful you are that they ignored what you were telling them and that resulted in about the same amount of pain as a solid punch to the gut. But it happens repeatedly every time I try going out. So I don't go out.

I obviously need to reassess. I had been thinking that using the walker to skip the pain meds was the healthier course. But if it's having this profound an effect on my entire life I don't think the tradeoff is worth it any more.

Instead of going out every day, like I used to, it's once or twice a week at most. Which means instead of eating fresh veg from the grocery store every day, I'm eating delivery.

I'm angry all the time. I just wish people would leave me alone when I'm out, or at least ask if I need help, instead of grabbing me or my walker, so I cultivate an unapproachable, foreboding air around me. But that just makes me feel the emotions I'm trying to project. I used to be so happy.

I feel so alone. My friends don't invite me out to things that are up or down a flight of stairs any more, which is almost everything in this city. I haven't been going out to events that I know will be in smallish spaces, because I won't have room to maneuver. And even when I did get invitations that cleared those hurdles, about half the time I just didn't have the emotional resources to tell the story of "What's wrong with you?" fifteen more times. So I'd just say no. And now I don't get invited out any more. And I don't bother inviting my friends out either, I don't want to impose my restrictions on them.

This has to stop.

Yes, the pills have side effects. Yes, the pain will have limits of it's own. None could possibly be as bad as what I just described. The walker seems to have taken away most of what makes life worth living, the chance to connect with people, to meet and laugh and talk, to say "this thought is in my head, is it in your head, too?" I am starving for interaction with other humans, and all I've been eating is TV and books, empty calories that leave me bloated and malnourished.

So out I go. Wish me luck.




P.S. If you see someone with a disability you think might need your help, please remember the phrase "ASK FIRST, OR YOU AREN'T HELPING" before you do something to them. And if you aren't willing to take a "no, thank you" as an answer, consider the fact that you may have been acting a little more selfishly than altruistically. This advice could have fixed literally every single one of the situations that make me not want to leave the house with my walker.
on diet FringyLiz's own diet  

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Good advice in rendering assistance to the physically challenged. Hope you find friends out here. 
21 Aug 17 by member: From371to184
I used your Point today !! 
21 Aug 17 by member: DO N OK
Sorry that you feel that way. Maybe start by walking with your walker or maybe a cane if it works for you go a little ways as far as you can comfortably, and increase it just a little, when that is good increase it a little more and so on. Even if you are walking inside until you feel able to go outside to walk. I know I have to feel good about me to get out and do much. It takes time to build up that confidence in yourself again, I've been there. Different situation but wanting to hide. After years I still have to make myself do things because I get comfortable just being home but once I do get out I enjoy it.  
21 Aug 17 by member: wholefoodnut
I agree with Wholefood, I still have to "force" myself to do things. And, most of the time I am glad I did but not all the time. I guess the point is when I look back I am glad I ate better over the last month and exercised and I forget about the days I felt hungry or tired. I am hoping you find the right balance. 
21 Aug 17 by member: perks54
I too am tied to a walker when I go out. Luckily I don't have people try to touch it or me much when I'm out or they would soon get the rough side of my tongue. Because I DO use the walker to cut down on pain meds. It's cut down on friendships, but I just figure I'm in a hiatus now and will find new friends that are abled as I am and at the new venues I go to. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 
21 Aug 17 by member: smprowett
Most of mine is because I no longer allow people to control me or simply am no longer interested in the same things or the same lifestyle. I left my old lives behind as they were so tied to abusive exes. I need to push myself to get out and do things around people. My job is talking to people all day, I'm actually quite content to do solitary things much of the time. It would be nice to have someone to do things with occasionally besides family.  
21 Aug 17 by member: wholefoodnut
That's very good advice. I will be sure to heed it. I understand how you feel. I hate being the focus of anyone's attention. It makes me very uncomfortable. Sometimes you want to be left alone to figure things out. 
21 Aug 17 by member: 2426girl
I use a scooter/wheelchair when I'm out. I'm happy to use a walker around people who know me, but yes, help isn't always good for you. I often push my wheelchair a bit - it has brakes on the handles at the back - and that keeps people away from me. 
22 Aug 17 by member: minitata

     
 

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