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Now that I'm back from vacation I am slowly getting back on track. I weighed in this morning at 199.8. When you consider not tracking what I ate while I was on vacation I think this small bump is actually a victory. Vacation was glorious. We visited my mom for a few days and then headed up towards Chicago to visit friends. Just being able to forget all the stress and drama at home was a blessing. I really didn't want to come home. If I could have stayed I think I would have. Unfortunately I'm a grown up and I have these responsibility things and tiny humans that rely on me and they missed home.
On the diet front.. I'm getting back into healthy eating and will probably join the gym at the new job as soon as I settle into things. I have my last yoga class in the session tonight and I can switch to taking classes at the new gym for a change of pace. Plus I'm working 60 hours a week and that doesn't leave a whole lot of time to be bored and mindlessly eat.
On the home front.. Can someone lend me $300,000? I found a house that is absolutely heaven but I can't afford it. I'm looking into places to move into as my marriage is currently exploding. I know I've never really written a lot about my marriage or our issues. Here and there I would but I've always considered a marriage to be a sacred private thing. Now that I'm done and I have to defend my reasoning to people since I'm the one that's saying I'm done... if I wasn't mature I would just fill several pages with reasons, copy them, laminate them... and hand them out.
Item #1... My husband refused to touch me or have sex with me for 2 years. I blamed myself at first and developed serious body issues but then I realized that some men actually find me attractive and my husband just didn't love me anymore. Now I just hope those muscles haven't atrophied and in a weird paranoid web search I learned lack of sex can create pee squirts. Thanks sexless marriage.
My husband doesn't want the divorce. He thinks after years and years of me saying I'm unhappy and pleading to him care and trying to make things work but nothing ever changed that I should keep trying because well.. now he wants to try. Now that I'm resentful, angry, and under the assumption that anyone who loved me wouldn't have treated me that way. They would have cared about me. They would have remembered my birthday, bought me an xmas gift, found the dish washer, picked up dinner for the kids when I was sick, responded to my text messages, held my hand, took me out to dinner once in a blue moon, gone on date nights, thought of me occasionally instead of only thinking of themselves.. I don't know who this person is but they sound like a Greek god. He says I need to communicate (because all those times that I would be in hysterical tears standing in front of him while he told me I was wrong didn't count), I need to try more (because all those things that I did in an effort to make him happier, make things easier for him, relationship books I read and tried, attempts to get him to see I was upset, all those suggestions I made like date night where he spent the ONE date night on his phone the entire time.. well those also didn't count apparently), and all those times that I told him I'm feeling ____ because of this.. or I'm unhappy and I can't live like this or I hate my fuckin life.. All those comments also don't count. So you know what? I gave up. I stopped trying. Then I decided I had enough and I could find happiness either on my own or with someone who loved and appreciated me. Which to be honest.. I haven't felt from my husband in years. Now I'm just a bitter, angry, resentful short chick who has to resist the urge to flip people off. Because flipping people off feels really freakin good.
Maybe I should take my anger and do something productive.. like lift weights or take a spin class. Yoga is great.. but.. well.. I'm feeling a little bit violent at the suggestion that I'm the one that needs to try now that he finally gives a flying duck. Ok end of vent.. thank you for reading. Who am I kidding? I will vent more later.
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1 to 20 of 31
 Comments
I am here for you whenever you need it. :)
27 Jul 17 by member: emilygu
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Wowie! Does that bring back some memories! Vent away, as we all need a safe place to do so when the poo hits the fan. Yoga is not great when you just want to flip people off. I really returned to free weights during that time of my life and that was very helpful. All that anger improved my weight lifting abilities! The other thing I did was run, run, run. Never took a spin class (except spinning wool), but that might work too! Do try to use physical activity to deal with some of those emotions that are going to spill out when you expect them to and when you don't. Just a suck time that you have to get through. Hang in there!
27 Jul 17 by member: Horseshu1
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Good luck dealing with all your challenges.
Sometimes life and relationships can be really crappy..
Only you can change it and you are doing so. Well done😁😁😁😁
27 Jul 17 by member: poppycom
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as a woman who has had two cheating husbands, I know about divorce and everything that goes with it. neither of mine wanted to try to make it work. I recommend trying a good therapist or two before paying a lawyer. good luck. ill keep you my thoughts. none of it is easy.
27 Jul 17 by member: justdoodling
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As to anger--work that out for your own health and emotional wellbeing. Counseling--absolutely. Physical activity--yoga is calming, BUT in addition--judo or karate or another martial art is marvelous.
27 Jul 17 by member: revvit
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Pelvic floor strength can be renewed. Some countries offer this training as standard postnatal care. You'll get through this!
27 Jul 17 by member: T8U9
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My sister gave me advise when I was going through my divorce. "It will get worse before it gets better". Thanks a lot Sis! But she was right. Once everything settled down I realized it was the best thing that could have happened. Hang in there. Punch a pillow, throw a ball with your kids (not to hard). It really does get better!
27 Jul 17 by member: mickfan1
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I don't like the F-word and I used to, USED to NOT say it. But now, when I need to let off steam, I repeat it over and over and over until I have it out of my system. Oh, and I do it at home so it doesn't bother anyone else. My husband just looks at me. End it with F*** a Duck. Wow,, that felt good.
27 Jul 17 by member: skinnydebbie013
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We will be happy to hear you vent, I believe people need to look into themselves to make themselves happy, as you are responsible for your own well being,and your journey continues .
27 Jul 17 by member: DO N OK
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OMG, I think we're married to the same guy. Mine hasn't worked in 13 years so he refuses a divorce because he would have to support himself. Stay strong and do what's best for you. You can't live life being miserable. I'm still with him and I'm hating life. I know life is to short. Do what's best for YOU!!! Best of luck. I'm here if you need to talk!!
27 Jul 17 by member: Proudmomma412
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yes I agree that venting these emotions into kickboxing or something is healthy and productive. And like many other women/people: you have to see to your own best interests. So often those closest to us slowly don't really seem to care. ( on the other hand I'm reminded that its my job to make me happy & healthy. thanks goodness for this app-- it lends an air of appreciation! be well, be you~~
27 Jul 17 by member: 859klm
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Almost describing my husband - uh-- EX husband, after 20 years of his "It's all about me, me, me", I'd had enough. And yeah, most don't to think about divorce, but frankly, when it came down to it, TRUTH IS --- I deserve to be happy too. So after two years of his finding various ways for me to stay... I packed up and traveled half way across the country, back to my home state and the rest of my family. ---- Best decision I ever made for myself.14 years later, still think it's the best thing that ever happened for me.... I agree with everyone else, vent when you need to, but don't backslide on your happiness just because changing things will put you in the "unknown zone". .... Life is an adventure and perhaps a new one is waiting just around the corner for you too.--- Peace ;-)
27 Jul 17 by member: jenniferfisher1
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ugh, don't know how to edit comments since I rarely make one -- but meant to say "Most people don;t like to think aboutdivorce" ... not whatever I left out- lol
27 Jul 17 by member: jenniferfisher1
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Awww, honey...hugs! I was the recipient of a similar situation. Notice. I didn't say, "victim"! YOU get to choose what your life gets to look like. If that dairy farmer is such a jerk, he doesn't deserve a dairyfarmerswife like you! I'm sending prayers and thoughts to you, that the $$$ you need for that perfect house will manifest for you and your wee oned ASAP
27 Jul 17 by member: mskestrela
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I am currently in the same (sorta) situation. I wish you lived close to me. You sound so much like the kind of person I am. You are funny and tough. Good luck to you. Sounds like you got this.
27 Jul 17 by member: Stacey902
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Proudmomma412. Mine hasn't had a job in 13 years either. Why do we stay? I've been with him for just about 31 years. I need some of you women in my life. We deserve so much more than this.
27 Jul 17 by member: Stacey902
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You sound so empowered. Self-empowered. That's a good thing. For you and that daughter of yours who is growing up quickly and will have her own relationships in which she should expect to be treated well, as well as for those little boys who will need to learn how to treat women right in their future relationships. Good luck with all of it.
27 Jul 17 by member: kpwcalories
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28 Jul 17 by member: minitata
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good for you go get your life you deserve betterxx
28 Jul 17 by member: hollyberry250
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I stayed for over 10 years.....we have now been seperated for nearly 8 years, both have new partners, but we are still married. Once all the anger is gone you might see him in a slightly better light again. At the end of the day he is still the father of your boys. And staying friends with him is better for them. Take a day at a time. Where is the rush? Get settled in your new job. I took up running when I was going through it. It did help.
28 Jul 17 by member: schmetterlinge34
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