HerStrawberri's Journal, 19 October 2011

Today is a much better day. I was so emotional yesterday. Didn't help I had a terrible headache and those wierd chest pains. No pains so far today. My Gf wanted me to go to the ER, but I don't think they are anything serious. I have been 2 times before and nothing was wrong. It was just my chest wall inflamed or something due to stress. I don't have medical coverage anymore so I'm not going. if I thought it was really bad I would go. I hate DRs but I don't want to die.

This girl in my Algebra class commented on my face today. She asked me if I was losing weight and I said yes and she said my face looks much thinner. That made me really happy. My cheek bones are starting to really show again. YAY! I need to take new pics and post them I guess. I'm still kind of camera shy in regards to full body pics, but maybe i will take one. I was looking in the mirror this morning, and I'm still amazed at how much smaller I look from the side. Still not SKINNY, but def much slimmer then before. Isn't it weird how critical we are to ourselves? I mean, i have lost alomost 85 lbs and instead of being happy about that, I automatically think....well....I'm still fat and have along way to go. I wish I wasn't like that. I'm trying though. I'm SO happy my clothes are big and I can wear everything in my closet, actually, most of my clothes are way to big. BUT I won't go buy clothes because of how bad I look in those terrible mirrors. It's such a mental game for me and while I hate it, it's hard for me to stop. I'm not as bad as I used to be. I actually LIKE looking in the mirror now. Before it would make me cry.

I'm really going to try to be nicer to myself. I get so made at people who berate themselves, yet...i do it all the time. I'm SUCH a mental case. How do you stop doing that? How do you look in the mirror and say....wow...I'm pretty hot and NOT pick yourself apart to the point of obsession?

Some of my buddies on MFP have lost SO MUCH weight. I'm so impressed by their dedication and focus. One girl has lost over 200 lbs and another over 150. That is just so freaking amazing. And even on here, some of you have lost almost 100 or are pretty close. i think that is SUCH an accomplishment. I keep hoping as I get closer to the big 100lbs lost i will start to feel better about ME, and I basically do, but....it's like i was expecting some big miracle change and it just hasn't happened. I'm still me. I'm not as sad and depressed as i was 6 months ago.....but I'm still.... I don't know......unhappy? unfullfilled? I know loseing weight has nothing to do with feeling fulfilled, and that I have to do that.....I guess I just thought i would be happier with the weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy, but it's like some days I'm not any different. Does this make any sense at all? I know I'm rambling. I don't even know what I mean. =(

Anway, sorry for the randomness. I'm just in a weird place mentally I guess. Not BAD per say, just weird.

Sorry for anyone of you who took the time to read this crap. LOL

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Comments 
This was not crap at all! It's your emotions and you've got to let them out. I wish I could express myself the way that you do. Maybe I wouldn't have failed so epically last year after losing 50lbs. You're doing so great! Watching your progress gives me so much hope! Hope that it's possible and you're doing it! Keep journaling...your buddies love to read them. :)  
19 Oct 11 by member: melmi20
Good morning, Dawn. I'm happy you're feeling better than yesterday (even if you're feeling weird - which to me is better than bad!). We all have those days, don't we? And then those days when for whatever reason(s), we just feel really GOOD. And then think - why?? what's SO different about today that I feel THIS good?? Why the hell can't we BOTTLE this feeling and pull it out on days like yesterday? Anyway, you DID hit on something really, really important. You said you know that losing weight has nothing to do with being "fulfilled", but yet... I think we ALL have that idea in our heads that weight loss equals fulfillment, equals solving all our problems, equals attaining that elusive something we think equals happiness. But one of the things I've found to be true, for me, anyway, is this "journey" we're on - this actual process of shedding the weight... this IS the point, this is what it's all about, this is where the learning and the growth is taking place. It doesn't happen when we "arrive", it happens all along the way. If we let it. And the other thing I think is we have these little goals, usually barriers, though, that we think when we reach them, then something almost magical happens. Like yours for getting under 300 (by the way, you BLEW right through that number! Congrats!)And when the parade and confetti didn't happen, you're left feeling... strangely let down? (that "you're" was not the YOU, you... more of the generic, applies to all of us "you"). Anyway, your stuff isn't crap. It's real. Like YOU! :D Have a great day, or at least, better than yesterday! And sometimes that's all one can hope for.  
19 Oct 11 by member: redwinelover
I think sometimes we need to "vent" express ourselves and sometimes even if no one reads it (I did). It gets it out and if we keep in pinned up inside it is not good for our health. Stres will make your body hold on to the fat we put in so by all means LET IT OUT! We are here for support when you need it. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!  
19 Oct 11 by member: tigerangel
Dory~ What you said made so much sense to me. It's like, this journey IS about losing weight..as well as losing all the things we hold onto that are just as unhealthy. Like negivity, low self esteem, hating ourselves. For me, this journey has been more about those things then the weight. the actual weight loss part of it has been sorta easy. once i really set my mind to it, it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. BUt you HAVE to commit. You really have to believe you ARE worth it. Anyway, for me, digging deep into my crap filled head as been the hardest part of this. And NOW that I'm forced to confront things I might not have ever confronted had it not been in my face....it's really making me reflect and purge. Sometimes you just need to get those feelings OUT of you. For me, when it's down on paper, or this journal, it's OUT of me and I can look at it from a different prespective. That prob doesn't make any sense, but it does to me. Anyway, Thank you so much for the wondeful comment! I'm so happy that you are my friend! 
19 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Melmi~ Ok so you are TOTALLY kickin my butt in words with friends!!! LOL. I'm not that good, YET...LOL. Thank you so much for the wonderful words of encouragement! if i can do this girl, SO CAN YOU!!! Thank you for taking the time to read my journal! 
19 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Tiger~ Thank you so much! It really means alot to me when people take the time to read what i write. =)Thank you for the wonderful comment! 
19 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
85 pounds is an awesome accomplishment!!! I think that the process of losing weight always involeves a bit of self therapy. Weight and self image are totally curled up in bed together - chicken and egg style! Keep doing what you are doing realize that you are totally worth it!! And enjoy the compliments! I just bought a few piecs of clothing to extend my wardrobe (I also hate those damn store mirrors) but I decided that it was time to treat my self nicely - I go to work every day and if I want to be treated with respect I needed to look like I respected my self! When you look good you feel good, and when you feel good you look great - for me totally true! See if it might work for you too!  
19 Oct 11 by member: krystynecar
I think you hit the nail on the head regarding why I yoyo. I had lost a good bit of weight and was looking reallt good. In fact, i was looking hot. i reached the size i had always wanted to be - size 8. I had a tummy tuck and got rid of the skin. I was good to go. never in a million years did i think I would ever get back up to a 10 much less a 16. but 5 years later - i did. I can't say why really... i knew how to eat and knew i was not eating right but .... slowly, it came back. This time, I have really tried to be more introspective and figure out where i went wrong the last time. And the time before that and the one before that. I think it has something to do with if I don't change my mind as I change my body, then I will always see the same old me and will not see when i start to gain weight again. i have to change the inside of me and i believe that the outside will take care of itself. It is a rather daunting task though and i think it is why I get into the funks that I seem to have. Not unhappy - just a funk. SOunds as ifyou are there today :) By the way, I am always wanting Words with friends partners... I am not any good though. Let me know if you want to play and I will send you my username 
19 Oct 11 by member: esimnons
I know exactly how you feel Dawn. I feel the same way. I never look at what I've lost (although it was easier math before 100 lbs) but instead focus on what's left to do. 85 lbs IS great though. You should be very proud. Maybe you could do like Tracy (triaby) and make a necklace of beads or crystals for every lb or 10 lbs lost, and then look upon it when you're feeling like y have so much more to go 
20 Oct 11 by member: Helewis
Aww...if it helps i'm a complete mental case as well. I pretty much hate myself sometimes. Then i'll eat a piece of cake <-- FAIL Ugh if i dont go to the gym i hate myself. Then i have a week where i'm like... i did NOT look like this two year ago. Give yourself some credit. I may basically the same weight but i didnt have guns or triceps you can see. My legs are more defined. I can leg press 230 for 4 sets at 12-14 reps. I guess its a matter of letting yourself be who you are supposed to be. Shoot i should take my own advice. Anyway YOU HAVE DONE GREAT! losing 85 lbs. You're an f'in WINNER! Dont get down on yourself. you're amazing :) and beautiful 
20 Oct 11 by member: Ninjapanda

     
 

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