HerStrawberri's Journal, 18 October 2011

I'm struggling with my food. I'm ALWAYS struggling with my food. Constant battle. It seems the more weight I lose, the worse my food gets. In the summer, i was always eating over 1200 and thought, at that time, I needed to eat more. now i barely make 1000. The weekends are easier as I almost always eat over 1200, I'm just not tracking all of it. I'm not ashamed of what i eat on the weekends, lately, I've just been so busy I've just forgotten to track everything. i used to be SUCH a believer of logging your food. Good and bad. I still am. I need to find some kind of balance again. The summer was so much easier. I had my every day routine and stuck to it...no matter what. If I deviated, it was usually on the weekends. then came school. Then came sick father moving in. Then came life crashing into me. I was in a protective bubble of sorts this past summer. Not anymore. i CAN figure this all out. It's just taking longer then anticipated.

Journaling has always helped me in the past. I think I need to start doing that again. You can find the time to do ANYTHING if you really want too. So me just saying I was 'too busy' is a lame excuse for not doing something I used to enjoy doing. I LOVE seeing my cals and carbs. I know that prob seems weird to some, but i really do. i want to know exactly what is going into my body. Good and bad.

It's hard maintaining an eating plan in the midst of constant 'why aren't you eating?' Why can't you eat bread? potatoes? rice?' pasta?' It's not that I'm depriving myself, it's what I'm choosing to do for ME and for how I FEEL. I have those things in moderation, but it really upsets me to have to constantly justify how I eat. I hate that this is yet another journal about my food. It's like, honestly, i think me not eating has something to do with the constant disection of my food. i don't want to hear it, so i don't eat. i don't want to be ashamed about EATING. I have spent so many years feeling that way. I have formed an unhealthy relationship with food and I'm trying so hard to break through that. Doesn't help the man responsible for those unhealthy feelings is now living with me and picking apart everything little freaking thing I eat!!!!!!

Yes, I know I'm a grown women and ultimately the choice is mine. BUT, when someone is always watching you when you eat, and looking at how much food is on your plate......how would you feel?? I'm just so sensitive about this. last night, I just wanted to cry as he was staring at my chicken portion. i wanted more, but it felt like he was staring at me because I was eating to much. So I just stopped eating and ended up with barely 800 cals for the whole freaking day.

I will figure this out. i swear that is my fav saying as of late. For everything. =(


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Comments 
Dawn, forgive me if I'm out of line for saying this...but you need to put your foot down and just tell them that this is how it is and its none of their damn business what, or how much, you eat!! I'm sure that they have good intentions, but this is obviously an issue that is hard for you and stresses you out! If they can't accept your decisions (food-wise) and how you choose to treat your body, well, then there's a problem. I soooo know how it feels when it seems like people are watching you and how much you eat- and then not eating enough and still being hungry :( I know you will figure it out- but please take care of yourself! <3 
18 Oct 11 by member: tntmom87
You're not out of line hun. =) I HAVE tried that and I get, 'i'm your father'. YES, you ARE my father but I'm not a child anymore. We just have many unresolved issues. I will get through this. I'm just a bit sad today. A comment on my MFP upset me, not that it was mean, it just made me think. nothing good ever comes of me thinking. LOL 
18 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Oh I know the feeling lol Your brain goes into overdrive, then you start over analyzing...enough to drive yourself crazy lol Well, hopefully or dad will ease up on you. That would be very difficult to deal with constantly.  
18 Oct 11 by member: tntmom87
Wow, that's rough. I would have a hard time with my dad watching what I was eating, I can't imagine that every day. Maybe it will click for him someday that you are doing what's right for you and let it go. As long as you're doing what's healthy for you that's all that matters. Having your father with you all the time is going to be hard, if only you could eat with blinders and ear plugs then you wouldn't have to worry about him watching you or saying things about your food. I can't imagine the added stress this puts on you. I hope things get better for you. Good luck!! 
18 Oct 11 by member: mars2kids
Good morning, Dawn. You know this whole journey we are all on is about a lot more than "food". This thing is about emotions and the mental stuff that got us in this position in the first place. So possibly one of the things you'll be learning is how to stand up for yourself and to also recognize you are SO much stronger than you give yourself credit for. That said, you really DO have to eat. I'm not picking on you, not lecturing, not judging. What I'm saying is at your weight, you may continue to lose weight eating so few calories for a while, but you are also compromising your muscles - like your heart. And even if that's one of the last muscles to be affected by semi-starvation, you've got to trust me on this one - you want to lose fat, not muscle. Eventually your metabolism WILL shut down. You will get to a point when you reach a weight loss stall that you will not believe. You won't see it coming, but it will happen and then in spite of all your best efforts, you won't lose weight. We all hit plateaus, but this usually happens far worse when one has been "starving". If you really can't eat in front of your dad, eat more when you're not around him. And one of these days, I think you should say exactly what you posted above - "Yes, you ARE my father. And I am YOUR child, but I am not A child. I'm finding my way through this and hope you see this is one of the things you've equipped me for - making adult decisions! So although I appreciate your love and concern, I don't appreciate your judgment and would like your support as I work my way through this." I'm sure you'll figure out the way to deal with this, I just hope it's before your metabolism gets so far out of whack. In my experience, there's no diet wrecker as effective as dieting and exercise for weeks and weeks on end with no weight loss/inch loss to show for it. Hope you don't think I'm lecturing - I'm just concerned.  
18 Oct 11 by member: redwinelover
Dory~ I don't think ur lecturing me at all. In fact, I agree with everything you just said. I'm having chest pains, and I think it *may* be because of my eating. Maybe not, but I think it could be a possibility. The weekends, I'm trying to eat more and replenish my food banks. My Gf is home and it's easier for me to eat when she is around. i use her as a crutch for so many things and it's so unfair to her. But it is what it is I guess. I'm really going to try each day. Maybe eat before he gets up and eat dinner in a different room. I've come too far to go back now. i don't mean to whine and bitch, I know so many others are dealing with much worse things. This is just what is happening with ME. It's SUCH a mental thing. I'm so frustrated with myself. It's like I'm watching myself do this and I can't stop it. I don't want to hurt my body. This is just so freaking hard. last night, i went into my bedroom and just cried. i mean, WHY do I let this happen? I have overcome so much and now it's like I'm the scared 10 YO afraid to eat anything and sneaking food. Don't get me wrong. I love my father and I'm happy I'm able to help him get well. BUT, getting him well can NOT hinder MY well-being and it is. I'm just so sad today about all of this. It really hit me for some reason. i HATE this feeling. It reminds me of when i was deep in my depression. I will figure it out I guess.  
18 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Thank you MARS. i will figure it out. I really have no choice.  
18 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
I feel bad that you are struggling so much lately. I used to get a lot of slack from my hubby..."why aren't you having any bacon"..."cuz i don't want it now and I might want it later so this time I am skipping"..."why are you eating that?" ..."cuz I like it and its good for me"...etc. but he has finally realized he needs to work on himself as well and he finally stopped bugging me. I hope that you are able to find balance. Sometimes it is all mental but that doesn't negate the feelings...they are still there and if you need to come here and bitch and whine, we'll listen.  
18 Oct 11 by member: Joshsteeny
Interesting post - I started out feeling bad for you, then I loved the advice you were getting. And then I let out a small chuckle. While I was reading this, I could have been looking in a mirror at myself. Anything I would have to contribute has already been said, and said very will. I will tell you or repeat this - As hard as it is to - setting up those boundaries will be some of the best things you can do for yourself. Yes, it is a mental thing - with a lot of emotions tied to it. I can do the same thing around my father (and mother-in-law). Respect yourself and respect your needs - you are worth it. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first - then help others. 
18 Oct 11 by member: caterpillar52
I am learning so much how to cope with everything in reading your journal as well as the comments. Wow. It is very much a mental thing that can be the hardest to deal with on a daily basis. I am finding that out, BIG time. For all of you that wrote comments, as well as you, wonderful advice!!!! Ginny 
18 Oct 11 by member: vrbh0882
wow - you're doing great, sweetie! just checked out your weight loss - keep it up!! you will conquer this! 
18 Oct 11 by member: sophie99
You are doing such a great job with your weight loss, how incredible, so far you have done so well with everything, I always think to myself when people keep telling me about food and what I am eating as they all know better than me, quite frankly just smile sweetly and ignore them.......you are a strong women and doing an incredible job, don't forget just smile and ignore......I think like Audrey Hepburn with a cigarette in a holder very elegant.....LOL I know I am crazy but it keeps me above all the crap....... 
18 Oct 11 by member: Yvonne19
Thank you everyone! I really appreciate ALL of your comments and that you took the time to read my journal. I'm better today. =) I was just having a sad day. Today is a new day and i WILl figure out how to handle this. =) 
19 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri

     
 

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