|
**emotional rant**
I have no idea what is going on with me. I've gained another lb. I haven't logged it. I know I should, but I just haven't yet. I need to get back in the right frame of mind. I'm all over the place and I don't like it. I know the weight gain is my fault. My food intake has been all over the place, as well as my carbs. I'm not saying i don't know WHY I've gained 4 lbs...I'm saying i don't know WHY my mind is all over the place. Ok, maybe I know that too.
I had a terrible fight with my P last night. She totally got on me about my food. She doesn't want me to be low carb anymore. She says I have an eating disorder. Well, duh. I've had an eating disorder prob since i first started eating. I'm being honest here. I know that I need to eat more veggies. this is a constant battle. She knows I don't like veggies. So i ask her, ok so knowing I don't like veggies...what would you have me eat? Bread? pasta? potatoes? Sugar? All of those things that contributed to my huge weight gain? that made me lethergic and not want to do ANY-FREAKING-THING!?!?! I'm SO SICK of justifing myself and what I eat. I take vitimins. I also take calcium and vit d. I don't WANT TO BE FAT AND MISERABLE ANYMORE!!!!! I hate when someone who has NO CLUE how you think or feel because they, themselves, have never in their life EVER been fat. She, at least tries for the most part. She made some comment about how I'm always tired. YES. this week I AM tired. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING BUT SIT ON MY BIG ASS FOR OVER A YEAR AND NOW i'M GOING TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY AND USING MY FREAKING BRAIN IN WAYS i HAVEN'T USED IT IN OVER 20 FREAKING YEARS!!!!!!! I also get up every morning at 2am or 3am or 4am or 5am or 6am and make her lunch and get her ready for work. I try to go back to sleep but it's hard or I just stay awake. But she forgets about that.
I don't want to bash her. She loves me for me...fatness and all. I love her completely. I just hate fighting with her. This really upset me. She forgets that this WOE has given me normal BP, given me tons of energy and clear thinking to help me fight my way OUT of my depression hole. So this week has been hard for me. Well, it's MY FIRST week of school. i will figure it out. It's just gonna take more then 4 days. I'm so freaking stressed out. I'm only human. My life has been the same day in and day out for a very long time. Now it's not, and it's throwing me for a little loop. Why is that bad?
She is also trying to get me to eat bad food. Last night, she had a frosty and was all.....you want some? and saying...it's ok if you have it. the other night it was tootsie rolls and pasta. I know she means well, but she KNOWS I can't or won't eat that stuff. This week, my will power has been low because I'm just so stressed out. I want to do good at school, i want to still maintain our household and make dinner and do the laundry and take care of her. School is so important! I have to do good or I will not get accepted. How i start NOW will dictate how it goes for the rest of the year. JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE FREAKING SLACK!!! I'M FREAKING DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!!
I'm sorry. I'm just so upset. She is the only one I have here IRL and I NEED her to support me. if I don't have that, then what do i have? I just need to relax and take everything one day at a time. that's what I have been doing with my diet and I can do it for everything else as well. i will get everything figured out. It's really not that much. people deal with so much more then this.
Sorry for the book. =(
Diet Calendar Entries for 01 September 2011:
|
880 kcal
|
Fat: 57.96g | Prot: 78.65g | Carb: 7.32g.
Breakfast: extra virgin olive oil, parm cheese, Chicken Breast. Dinner: Light Ranch Dressing, baby carrots, sentry 90% lean hammy, Heinz Ketchup, Mayonnaise. more...
|
|
3425 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
|
|
 Comments
You can make it!!! Emotional rants are good, better then eating a whole icecream (see my food diary!!!) You are blessed to have someone who loves you for you and I totally get its hard because she probably sees you as beautiful inside that over shadows the outside you see. People who do not struggle with food have a hard time with those who do, throw in protective love and well...there you go. School is so important and I APPLAUSE you for going to school, try to study everyday and throw in a little more exercise..ie park in teh back of the lot if its safe, and walk farther. Take the stairs to class and not the elevator. Deep breathing is helping me. I also started tracking my monthly and discovered my hormones have a cycle, so now I watch.
You have been such an inspiration to me, please hang in there. Each day is a chance to do, be, live and feel better. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift....the present. You are loved, will make it to your goal, and be a success. stay strong...
d
01 Sep 11 by member: devanm
|
(((HUGS))) I'm in a downward spiral myself right now, a lot of stressful things, plus TOM around the corner. Today is a new day for us. Eat what works for you. I wish you did like veggies too (only because you can eat SO much more food, i.e. variety), but if you don't like them, not much variety with that either. lol You are such a great inspiration to me. We'll get this figured out one day. (((((HUGS)))))
01 Sep 11 by member: kcook323
|
Awww sorry sweetie. :( Every once in a while my DH will make a weird comment to me like that related to my WL ("you need to take a break from the gym" or "you eat too much peanut butter" like it's really possible to eat too much peanut butter ;)) but I find it has more to do with him trying to avoid dealing with his own stuff than it does with me being excessive. That said...it's probably a different situation for you. Honestly, I think your P is aware of your anxiety levels these days & is concerned for you. She may not have been very gentle with how she expressed it, but we've all said things when we were emotional about something that we might have put differently if given another chance. I have also dealt with attempted sabotage & have had to gently tell DH more than once, "you know what, I'm having a rough food day so I can't be around you while you're eating that" & either I'll leave the room or he will. Try to have a better day today hon! (((((((hugs)))))))
01 Sep 11 by member: kstubblefield
|
@Kat.. too much PB??? thats like too much bacon... it never happens lol @Dawn, sorry you are having a rough time. Everyone above me has said everything and more than I could ever say. I am here for you if you need to vent EVER feel free to PM me. You started your first week of school this week, things are hectic and once you get your routine figured out things will come around. You know what you need to to - so I am not even gonna say it. I think you are doing fantastic and a 4 pound gain is nothing to freak out about - it will come back down! ~hugs and tons of love~ keep your head down hun, I am sure your P means well - even if it doesn't seem like it right now.
01 Sep 11 by member: pixidaisy
|
Lots of stress going on in your life isn't there, I know it's tough on you, but if you said No to the frosty & the tootsie - GOOD FOR YOU! The main thing is staying true to YOUR goals as best you can. Learning to deal with the hard parts life dishes out just makes you stronger. Lots of hugs, keep trying - Never Ever Quit!
01 Sep 11 by member: gg-girl
|
Thank you everyone! I know she means well. I know she loves me and is worried about me. She just came at me after a long day sitting in BIO and doing all of this crap that made me use my brain and I was tired. She isn't used to me being gone and not having dinner ready when she gets home and i think it's an adjustment for her too. I will get through this. You guys always make me feel so much better. I'm totally gonna have to talk to her about the offering me bad food thing. usually it's super easy for me to say NO. But this week, it's been a struggle. I need to stay focused. I'm gonna put in my weight and just move on. It's really not even the weight gain. Well, ok maybe it's a part of it. =) Thank you ALL for the great words of encouragement. I honestly don't know how i would get through some stuff without you guys.
01 Sep 11 by member: HerStrawberri
|
GG~ I didn't say no to the tootsies OR the frosty. Well, i only had a few bites of the frosty. But I still had some. =)
01 Sep 11 by member: HerStrawberri
|
I really felt your pain reading this :( Like you said, this is an adjustment for both you and your P. It will take some time, hang in there! Today is a new day (and Friday at that!) so hopefully things are a little better now.
02 Sep 11 by member: tntmom87
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
HerStrawberri's weight history
|