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True Beauty....hhhmmmm, thats a thought to ponder as I have understood those two words in so many different ways over the course of my life. But i do feel like I am finally getting a small taste of what it really means to be "truly beautiful".
I hate that beauty has always been something paired with size in my mind,that I had to be skinny to be pretty, to be beautiful. I hate that I always looked and compared myself to others, always felt I was the staple "fat friend", and believed everyone who ever gave me a compliment was a liar. I believed I would never achieve "true beauty" status.
Now this image of course to have "true beauty", these unrealistic qualifications I set out, have only ever applied to me. I have always been able to look at others and see beyond any negative, see the realness that lies within, see their potential...and that is where I see THEIR true beauty. Seeing true beauty in others has never had anything to do with the outside, yet when I looked in the mirror and saw myself I had no idea where to start. I could pick my every flaw, my every negative and pick and pick until i could no longer stand the sight of myself. And each time i would walk away telling myself i will never be truly beautiful. But that was before.
Going through this journey so far I have learned a lot about me. This journey started me mentally in one place and thankfully has moved me to somewhere new and amazing.
I get it now, I have found it and truly feel I am beautiful. I have learned so many beautiful things about myself already in this process and I still have a long way to go. I can't imagine what more I will learn. But so far I have learned how determined I can be, that when I really want something nothing can stand in my way. I learned that I can be really great at motivating those around me. I learned that it feels good to say I am proud of myself. I learned that my true beauty has nothing at all to do with the outside. A diamond ring is still a diamond ring no matter if it comes in a velvet and satin box or a brown paper bag.
At 27 years old I finally feel like I am worth it. I am not going on this adventure to be thin, I am doing this to be healthy, to be happy. To give my life balance...I am doing this for soooo many reasons, but none of them are "to be skinny". Do i need to lose weight...yes, but not to be a size 2, just to be a healthier me.
Today I put on my 2yrs ago pants (see previous entry) and they are a size 22 and I am thrilled to be wearing them again, because it has nothing to do with what the tag says....it has everything to do with how I feel.
Wow...sorry, that was a lot of rambeling on and on, i don't even know if it made sense but i felt like I needed to get that off my chest...i am finally starting to get it :)
I will end this entry with a poem I wrote several years ago, when I wrote it was lying to myself, but now i really believe it...I wrote it in hopes of inspiring others to be more self accepting, all while not truly accepting myself. but things are different now, i accept me for who I am right now in this very moment, and for what ever the future me is to become
Fat and Fabulous
I used to be shy and try to blend into a crowd
Never outspoken, forward or loud
I was ashamed of my body and didn't want to be seen
Because for so many years I was treated to so mean
Called ugly and fat and left out of the group
Spent so many years feeling out of the "loop"
Well now I can tell you I am big and I am proud
I don't mind saying it or even screaming it out loud
From my cheeks, so chubby when I smile I can't see
To my short little toes at the bottom of me
From my beautiful cat shaped hazel green eyes
To my short little legs with full figured thighs
From my smile so pretty with kissable lips
To my waist and my tummy and curvaceous hips
There's a lot in the middle that I no longer hide
I walk a lot taller now, you can't step on my pride
I'm happy, I'm healthy and love being me
So I am putting me out there for the whole world to see
Diet Calendar Entries for 13 April 2011:
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1508 kcal
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Fat: 55.51g | Prot: 77.27g | Carb: 187.77g.
Breakfast: 1% Fat Milk, Honey Clusters Cereal. Lunch: beef noodle soup, chicken wrap, ranch dressing, Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables. Dinner: pork gravy, mixed vegetables, mashed potatoes. Snacks/Other: Kiwi Fruit, Strawberries, Source 'Exotik' Yogurt, strawberry tirfle. more...
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3436 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (brisk) - 4/mph - 6 minutes, Circuit Training - 30 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 24 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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