jsfantome's Journal, 23 August 2013

Its not a breakdown, its a growing pain. Its a tough transition to move back home, and there could be a bit of embarrassment associated with that. So the lashing out could just be that they are reminded that they are now back under Mom's roof in the first place. Does it sound like I'm speaking from experience? :) I know it hurts now, but hopefully said child will realize what has happened. Might be a while so be patient. Took me until after I moved out again (Which was about 3 months) to apologize. Hopefully you won't have to wait that long. God bless you Paula! I love reading your inspiration!  

Paula, you said it, this too shall pass, but the hurt feelings - they linger. It really hurts us parents when 'adult kids' say stupid hurtful things. Humans can be so cruel. And those we love the most and are the most vunerable too can hurt us to the point of unbearable. I have nothing clever to say, no solutions, just wanted you to know that you are heard and supported. I hope during this difficult time you can continue to look after yourself, and stay strong in your commitment to your new found resolve to lose weight. This is the time when I would bury myself under a mound of emotional eating. It is easy to so 'let go and let God' but so hard to do. It will work itself out, and I know you know this. Hugs honey, we are here for you, leave it all on the page. Keep breathing and praying. 

Hey lilsmurf - thank you! I will hold on to the hope - that this will end well. 

Issy - thanks for your understanding! And you know - I would have thought the stress would send me running to the fridge (so to speak) - but funny thing...it STRENGTHENED my resolve to not be an emotional eater anymore! Course it did send me straight to a bubble bath! LOL!!!! 

Hard to be angry - and play with bubbles - at the same time! :) 

I "had" two children, girls, and the biggest mistake I made was giving them what they wanted and not what they needed. Yes I gave them what they needed but went to far and gave them all they wanted. In the end I lost their respect and love. But then maybe teaching others to see the reaction of others brings to mind the tale of the Cherokee Indian whose son asked. I heard we are all wolves. The father replied yes. We are the wolves inside that wants to lash out and eat everything and kill with no regard to life. The other wolf inside is compassionate and sees that anger only hurts others and himself inside. Does this make sense? I know anger has been one of my issues in life but the past ten years has been a real life changing time for me. Now back to finding out what that FAT SECRET is all about. 

I'm sorry about your turmoil, especially when it involves our children. There's not any easy fix and time usually helps everyone sort out feelings and hopefully a plan of action that is agreed upon by all. My hope for you is to not let go of your desire to keep on course with your eating, stay strong, and be brave. 

Awww Paula.....sounds like that "adult" isn't quite there yet. No worries, as it also sounds like you're treating them exactly like the adult they purport to be. When we don't like what someone is doing, we do not let ourselves become a whipping post, even for a family member. I'm sure the relationship is not irretrievably broken down, just "in transition." But DO keep a good supply of the bubble bath handy! :) 

I was your "girls". I had an unrealistic view about life. I thought it was a fairy tale and I was going to get everything I wanted. My Mother only knew how to buy my love. If I wanted something I threw a tantrum until I got it. I gave her guilt trips and was vicious with her. At 25 she eventually realized that I was being enabled by her to act this way and she decided to cut me off. I spent the next 5 years loathing her but I did eventually come to realize that my anger wasn't for my mother. It was for myself. I didn't respect myself. I didn't earn the money to buy the things I had wanted in the past and it had made me into a shallow person. I now have an amazing job along with an even more amazing relationship with my Mother. I had to learn to respect myself and she took the stand knowing I would hate her to get me there. I hope this post helps. The anger will pass! 

sickofbeingfat - hey, me too!!! Thank you so much for your comments...while it's a hard place as a 'Mom' - they know I only want the very BEST for them. I won't put up w/ everyone taking sides or being harsh w/one another... so when asked by the other two...I have kept the details private. This involves the middle son, who just turned 26. He had moved back home during this last year - and I think he is feeling a bit 'nervous' about launching back out on his own. Everything here is soooo darn expensive - however, he is struggling with the difference between living 'at home' w/ his parents - and - living in his home. This is his home. His family's home. His parent's home. But it's not 'his' home. I've stayed as far out of his personal, financial, work, investments, purchases, vacations, etc...business...as humanly possible. He's a smart young man, and is taking incredible steps to position himself to be successful, to 'launch' successfully...etc. Saving money, going back to school to complete his 4yr degree,...and that's just what his dad and I had hoped he would do. Take full advantage of the opportunity to get ahead. And he is. And I am 100% thrilled for him. We have never asked for 'rent'. Or money for anything. He contributes - sometimes financially - sometimes in other ways, but it's always been considerate and generous and without any issue. (I never wanted to hear any of my kids throw it in my face that..."I pay rent, therefore...I can do as I please".) There aren't many rules around here - other than mutual respect and treating people with love... and this son has come up against a 'rule' he doesn't much care for ... and therefore thinks I AM WRONG!!! And while he's welcome to his opinion... I am not changing how I feel about this issue. I'm not going to apologize that I don't want something I think is wrong to be going on in my home. If he insists he wants to be mad, threaten to never speak to me - hold his emotions and love as a ransom for my buckling to his demands... it ain't gonna work. It just makes me sad, because it's not the type of relationship - I thought we had. 

I promise you it will work out!! 

Hang in there, my friend! I can so empathize as we're now beginning to enter that same world of having an adult child back at home. I too wish I had words of wisdom for you, but just as weight loss/maintenance is a journey so is parenting & growing up. I'm a firm believer that every relationship can be mended when both parties are willing to work at it, and I'm sure your son will be too eventually. We are here for you, so until then, lean on us (I've certainly done my share of leaning!) & know you are loved & supported here! Xoxox