|
Day 4 of my new life...
I struggled a bit this morning.
I dreamed of crunch bars and doughnuts and woke up craving something...well...more...
Another confession, I know I haven't been eating enough...I'm feeling very deprived today...well I was this morning.
I just finished eating some egg salad and shredded pork NC style BBQ (perfectly fine on my diet) but I almost caved for some Ramen noodles and Swiss Rolls.
Money is kinda short right now because I don't have my energy back enough to go to work.
I don't have the things that I want to cook to eat. I have plenty of stuff for my diet, but it's hard when I'm used to eating what I want, when I want.
Once I ate my egg salad and bbq (the legal kind) I was very happy and content because it tasted really good.
I am SO proud of myself for not eating what I was craving. The craving is completely gone now. I am SO happy...because now my stomach is satisfied and I'm still losing my weight!
I DID IT!!! I DIDN'T CHEAT EVEN THOUGH I REALLY WANTED TO!!!!
In my job, I get reviewed on my appearance. Last night, I read a review of me and this person rated my appearance as a 4 out of 10, and then commented that "I was OK looking if you were drunk".
This made me, tough lil' KiKi, cry. The reason behind this is because before I gained this weight, no one would've ever said this about me. I hope I'm not sounding superficial right now, but, I was always the kind of girl that had guys lined up to talk to me. I was pretty good looking and ever since I've gained this weight, I don't get the attention I used to. It's like I'm not even here.
I know this sounds conceited, but I'm really not. I just honestly see how people treat me differently since I've gotten fat and it confuses me because to me, I'm the same person that I've always been...does anyone know what I mean? It's so hard to explain.
In my job, my physical appearance is everything. I'm one of the few plus sized women in my industry and it's been very hard on my self esteem. It is a very shallow industry...sigh...I just don't know...I'm tired of being called "ugly" when I used to be so sought after...
I hope this didn't come out the wrong way...I really do...I don't want it to seem like I'm some self-obsessed person who thinks she's the most beautiful woman in the world...it's not that....
In a society where there are certain standards of beauty forced upon young women like myself, it's hard to maintain a positive self esteem when you're bigger.
Diet Calendar Entries for 18 September 2008:
|
706 kcal
|
Fat: 67.18g | Prot: 20.42g | Carb: 19.28g.
Lunch: egg salad, NC style Pork BBQ. Dinner: McDonald's Double Cheese Burger . more...
|
|
3233 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 1 hour, Sitting - 3 hours, Housework - 3 hours, Resting - 6 hours, Sleeping - 11 hours. more...
|
|
 Comments
Great job! The thing is that cravings do go away. That really sucks that you get reviewed on your appearance at work. What kind of job do you do?? I know what you mean about feeling invisible. There is a very specific weight where I start turning heads, it is actually quite interesting. For me it is about 152 or less around here, but 140 or less in big cities. I don't know why. Maybe I'm more proportionate at that weight, maybe I just carry myself with more confidence, I don't know. But where I am now I get ignored too, except by my husband of course. That is what counts for me. I noticed, though that if I go to a big city where there are more people that are slender I get less attention. I know it is brutal not only in some industries but in some bigger cities. We do have to be aware of who we are on the inside, but in some situations we do live in a superficial world where we get judged on our appearance first. It is sad but true. You are the same person you always were, but the truth is some people liked you for what you looked like, not who you were. The good news is that there are still people who will like you for who you are on the inside. You are making yourself healthier on the outside too. Don't worry, you'll get there. Just do it for you not because you feel pressured to do so by a person or a company. Hugs...
18 Sep 08 by member: sararay
|
Congrats on staying true to your food plan even though you were going through cravings. Good job! I'm wondering what kind of job you do too. I think that rating system is HORRIBLE! I would not stay in a job where I was treated this way. YOU are a BEAUTIFUL person. Don't ever forget that!
18 Sep 08 by member: mbhpro
|
What kind of work do you do?
18 Sep 08 by member: catglaw
|
I work in the adult entertainment industry. (I do NOT have sex...so please don't think that. I am engaged and am NOT promiscuous.) I would leave but $250 an hour is hard to top.
18 Sep 08 by member: Reina Estrella
|
This job is really doing a number on my self esteem but at the same time it motivates me to get this weight off.
18 Sep 08 by member: Reina Estrella
|
Hey Reina - keep in mind who you are being compared too. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would think you are being compared to women who have had *ahem* lets just say..some work done. Maybe the person doing the reviewing doesn't have a reasonable expectation of what a woman should look like. Great job on resisting the crave!
18 Sep 08 by member: tlr4615
|
You know, I've never thought about that before. There are alot of women that have had many surgeries to make themselves look the way they do...thanks...I don't know why I can't shake off that comment, but it's really got me down today.
18 Sep 08 by member: Reina Estrella
|
I agree with the comments, who do they think thay are giving you a 4. Twats, you are very pretty, but do know what you mean, just today it happened to me, Theres a man I know, always chatting me up when he sees me, but today he looked me up and down, grunted Hi and walked away, my pal was stunned, Its there loss
You get those negitive thoughts from yr head
Pity you are getting unhappy bout yr job, but the money is good,
18 Sep 08 by member: Carmel8sons
|
I'm so glad someone has had similar experiences to me...I don't know why it bothers me so much...
18 Sep 08 by member: Reina Estrella
|
I can relate to your comments, but I'm kinda the opposite. First, I have real issues with my self-image. My problem is that I think I'm much thinner than I am. This has caused me to gain more weight and to believe that everyone should want me. I am absolutely apalled when I see a picture of myself ("Oh my GOD, who is that really big woman???") or when people call me names or treat me badly ("Who are they talking to?"). But the reality is that we are judged on how we look. My inability to convince myself that I am fat is a useful thing in regards to criticism like you received. My probable response would have been "Who are they talking about? I am so hot. They must have gotten my picture mixed up with someone elses." I'm not sure if thats healthy either. ha!! The point is that you are not comfortable in the body that you have right now. So you are doing what you need to do to get to the place that YOU are comfortable. And the reward is yours. No one elses. You will get the reward of better health and better self-image. Its not about them. Don't make it so.
18 Sep 08 by member: Paige E
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
Reina Estrella's weight history
|