befree's Journal, 19 May 2008

I have done it. I have tipped the scales. I am officially over 300 lbs now. I have hit 300 before, however, this is my first time over it. I have often wondered what it would be like. Now I know.

I have a hard time breathing. My legs ache. My hips hurt. The fat on my stomach pulls on my body. My "apron" is bunched up in my pants and gets squished when I lean over my desk to type. The fat on my butt pushes against my back when I walk.

My clothes don't fit. Chairs are uncomfortable. There are seatbelts I can't do up. My bed is broken. I can no longer lift myself off the floor.

I am too lazy to do anything. I have no energy. I eat. I spend. I watch. I sleep. I am ashamed. I hide.

This is nothing like going over 200 lbs. I remember thinking at that time, "my god, am I FAT", "this is only temporary", "now I will have more motivation to lose weight" and on and on. Hitting 300 was never even considered - I wasn't even to going to stay in the 200's.

I can't keep this lifestyle up. It affects most of my relationships in a negative way. I am angry a lot and totally disconnected from all around me, including my son. In turn, he is pretty angry and getting heavier. I need to be a better mom. I need to feel better about myself. So here I am. I am afraid.

For the past 100 lbs, I have started many diets, walking programs, gyms, support groups, journals, therapy sessions, "lifestyle changes". I have broken so many promises I made to myself. But I gotta keep tryin. As Dora says in "Finding Nemo", 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming…'


We'll all swim with you. 
19 May 08 by member: juanab
you have to do this for you and only you can know if you are ready to "flip the switch" and make this a way of life or way of eating for life...we will all support and help you along this journey...this is a great place to be 
19 May 08 by member: veggies yuk
I read your journal entry last night and didn't know what to say, because I have felt all of the things you're feeling even though I never got much above 200. When I imagine an extra 100 pounds, I can easily understand that you feel positively miserable. You want to make a change for the better, and you've tried and you haven't been able to succeed. Are you an all or nothing person? Instead of setting a goal of losing half of your body weight, why not try setting your goal at 10 pounds. How long will it take for you to take off 10 pounds? I'll be here!  
20 May 08 by member: fraise
Your journal pulls at my heart strings. I came here when I was about to reach 200. I've never known what it is like to be over 200 but I can only imagine what you are going through. This is absolutely the most supportive website for losing weight and may just be the ticket you need. You might be like me when I first weighed in. It took me 5 months more to come back and get serious. Once I made up my mind and took advantage of all the things this website has to offer, the weight just started falling off. The hard part is making up your mind. I agree that you should set small goals. We are here for you! Please stick around and give it a try. 
20 May 08 by member: KellyBo
I'm swimming with ya, too. I've broken promises to myself over and over again. It made me lose faith in myself. This time I have no goals, no promises, with the exception that I don't give up. I'm going to get up today, walk, eat prudently and not beat myself up if I don't do it perfectly. For me, my weight is not just on my body, it's also in my head. As I let go of the things that weigh on me emotionally, it's becoming easier to let go of the weight on my body. It's a simple process, but certainly not an easy one. I've practiced for a long time to become me. Now I'm practicing to become more.  
20 May 08 by member: vonnielee
do what you can. one small thing, one extra egg you don't eat-one chip you don't have-one good choice where there may have been a bad one. A celery stick for a candy bar. some small movement when you would have been still. Let the little good things begin to add up- you can do this...we are all taking baby steps to success. It doesn't happen in a day or a week or a month. Go take your life back one baby step at a time and we will be your greatest supporters 
20 May 08 by member: sharonfriz


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