kmartdollie's Journal, 21 October 2012

If anyone is offended by my wordy and emotional journal entries, let me warn you now because I have plenty to say tonight.

I just came from my parent's house. We have dinner every Sunday. I innocently asked my mother what I should do with my size 12 and 14 clothes because I didn't know anyone that size that I could give them to. What did she say to me? "Are you sure you want to get rid of them - don't you think you might need them again someday?" Oh, I was beyond pissed at that but I said nothing. I can think of a million reasons why my mother said that to me. Jealousy, resentment, saying shitty things to me to "motivate" me, a thousand things. I cannot help that my grandparents never told my mother that they were proud of a damn thing my mother ever accomplished in her life. Why she still projects that on to me is beyond me. I also cannot help that my mother cannot handle the truth about her own physical condition. She is very overweight, and she literally has not exercised in about 25 years. She won't even walk around the block. My stepfather bought her a treadmill and he is the only one that uses it. She uses every excuse in the book as to why she can't diet, exercise and get healthier. She has fybromyalgia. She's hypoglycemic. She can't go out in public in a swimsuit. Yoga hurts her too much. She can't get in a swimming pool because it's too cold. She literally will not get out and walk literally around the block. And now I'm "jumping the gun" because I am willing to take steps to make sure it's not comfortable to me to return to that place, like getting rid of bigger clothing? I can't even be mad at my mother because she's sick. I really believe that behavior and saying those things and that thinking is an illness. She'll never address it. She's 65 years old. She'll just get sicker and sicker.

I will admit that I am in therapy right now, for these issues and more that have come up since I've lost the weight. Not that I'm done, not by a long shot. But I haven't dealt with this stuff at all and it's getting more and more difficult. I am sick and tired of people that project their own self-hatred onto me. Overweight people who are still addicted to food and won't exercise and are reluctant to look at their own program say shitty things to me about how it won't last, or criticize how I did it. They will say that I consume too many artificial sweeteners and this keeps me from losing more weight. They will say that I am going to blow out my 40 year old knees running. I could go on and on. Both men and women judge and criticize me for being unfeminine and unladylike because I won't be passive and I won't compromise for settling for what most people settle for in their relationships, they project their own self-hatred about the price they pay for their own choices onto me. People criticize me for being a perfectionist. They say I want too much, too soon, and ignore the fact that at least I am perfectly willing to pay the price for it. I don't expect other people to be perfect. But I do expect them to be BETTER. Or at least WANT to be better. And when they don't, and they aren't, I get very angry and very sad. And when I just give up that no one will ever try or want for these things, I just completely stop trying at everything, and I use food like a drug, I won't move my body to do anything except get in my car and drive down to the convenience store for more cigarettes, and I sleep twelve hours a day. I have literally spent the last ten years of my life doing that. Now that I have found the will to try again, to try to control the little things that I can, the resistance and the sabotage I find I get from others is totally overwhelming at some times. Right now, the only things I feel I have control over are what I put in my mouth, how hard and far I push myself physically, and now, what I wear. That's not very much control, and I actually don't really consider myself a control freak.

Okay, that's enough for my emotional rant.

On the brighter side, I AM ACTUALLY GETTING SMALLER. My weight has not changed in 2 months. I did take some more measurements today, and I have lost A LOT. I lost 1 1/4" off of my bust, another 1/2" off my waist, and another 1" off of my hips. Total, in the last 2 months, I have lost 1 1/2" off of my bust, 1" off of my waist and 1 1/2" off of my hips. I have lost 4 inches of fat off of my body in the last 2 months without losing more than a pound or two. So that tells me something. Running ten miles a week might have something to do with it. Taking strength training classes where I'm actually lifting weights for the first time since high school may have something to do with it. Having the courage to take cardio classes where I can't keep up with choreography and I can't do step very well but I sweat and I try anyway may have something to do with it. It tells me that I am converting this fat into more muscle. I AM SMALLER, BUT I AM MORE DENSE. And, AND, I am more fit. So eff the scale. I weigh the same. But what I've gained I think means more than the number.

Diet Calendar Entries for 21 October 2012:
1413 kcal Fat: 61.35g | Prot: 96.64g | Carb: 132.91g.   Breakfast: red delicious apples, Atkins Meal Peanut Butter Fudge bar. Lunch: reduced fat string cheese, Hunts sugar free vanilla pudding, Kraft Light Mayonnaise, Sara Lee Delightful 100% Whole Wheat Bread, Oscar Mayer turkey bacon, romaine lettuce, tomato. Dinner: Pillsbury sugar free chocolate fudge frosting, Pillsbury Sugar Free Chocolate cake mix, Kraft Light Raspberrry Vinaigrette dressing, iceberg lettuce, baby carrots, chicken breast. Snacks/Other: baby carrots, Sabra Hummus. more...
2720 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sitting - 2 hours, Housework - 1 hour, Conditioning exercise (health club) - 1 hour, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 30 minutes, Driving - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 6 hours and 30 minutes, Desk Work - 3 hours. more...

   Support   

Comments 
ROCK ON - it is the same exact thing I said to you in your last journal comments. I say, do NOT save clothes that are too big because they are like fall-back clothes. How about sending them to a "Buddy"? Isn't there a gal on FS you know who also lives in your city? I may be wrong about that...you could donate to a place like WomenVenture where they take business ype clothes for women who are looking for employment and need interview clothes, or the Goddwill, or a consignment shop where they will sell them and give you a little cash for them. Of course, we already know your Mother will not change - only you can change how you choose to feel about her invalidating comments. 
21 Oct 12 by member: HCB
Congratulations on getting smaller and I agree...get rid of the bigger clothes when they stop fitting!! I will not go back to the size that I shrunk out of. :) 
21 Oct 12 by member: kimjinxie
A lot of people are like that and the sad part is that I don't think they are even conscious of it. We will all encounter the nay sayers but we can never allow them to effect us or our progress. I'm proud of you. Everyone on here is :) And I'm glad that you won't allow other people's negativity to defer your goals. Also, congratulations on the loss!! 4 inches is terrific!!  
21 Oct 12 by member: MamaHummingbird
I say good for you! I know what you mean about the clothes that are too big, though. I bought a really nice pair of dress pants less than a year ago. They are now HUGE and I can't wear them. I have some friends that are not super skinny, but I don't want to be rude and ask what size they are, ya know? If you were here I would be first in line for some size 12 pants! My 14s are getting a too big. I am about to break down and buy some smaller ones...Just one or two because I REALLY hope to be in a 10 eventually. I don't remember the last time I was a 10...High school, maybe. 
21 Oct 12 by member: alliecat777
It's sad that people can't just be happy for you! My family is really supportive, but my husband kind of has this you've been on a diet for the last four years, so what makes you think you can lose now....which is very disappointing and really shocked me, but I just turn that negativity into motivation. 
22 Oct 12 by member: seaside16
YAH - turn the negativity into motivation! That's what I do - I say, "I'll show you (doctor, mother, sister, you fill in the blank)who is gonna get small!" 
22 Oct 12 by member: HCB

     
 

Submit a Comment


You must  sign in to submit a comment
 

Other Related Links

Members



kmartdollie's weight history


Get the app
    
© 2024 FatSecret. All rights reserved.