If anyone is offended by my wordy and emotional journal entries, let me warn you now because I have plenty to say tonight.
I just came from my parent's house. We have dinner every Sunday. I innocently asked my mother what I should do with my size 12 and 14 clothes because I didn't know anyone that size that I could give them to. What did she say to me? "Are you sure you want to get rid of them - don't you think you might need them again someday?" Oh, I was beyond pissed at that but I said nothing. I can think of a million reasons why my mother said that to me. Jealousy, resentment, saying shitty things to me to "motivate" me, a thousand things. I cannot help that my grandparents never told my mother that they were proud of a damn thing my mother ever accomplished in her life. Why she still projects that on to me is beyond me. I also cannot help that my mother cannot handle the truth about her own physical condition. She is very overweight, and she literally has not exercised in about 25 years. She won't even walk around the block. My stepfather bought her a treadmill and he is the only one that uses it. She uses every excuse in the book as to why she can't diet, exercise and get healthier. She has fybromyalgia. She's hypoglycemic. She can't go out in public in a swimsuit. Yoga hurts her too much. She can't get in a swimming pool because it's too cold. She literally will not get out and walk literally around the block. And now I'm "jumping the gun" because I am willing to take steps to make sure it's not comfortable to me to return to that place, like getting rid of bigger clothing? I can't even be mad at my mother because she's sick. I really believe that behavior and saying those things and that thinking is an illness. She'll never address it. She's 65 years old. She'll just get sicker and sicker.
I will admit that I am in therapy right now, for these issues and more that have come up since I've lost the weight. Not that I'm done, not by a long shot. But I haven't dealt with this stuff at all and it's getting more and more difficult. I am sick and tired of people that project their own self-hatred onto me. Overweight people who are still addicted to food and won't exercise and are reluctant to look at their own program say shitty things to me about how it won't last, or criticize how I did it. They will say that I consume too many artificial sweeteners and this keeps me from losing more weight. They will say that I am going to blow out my 40 year old knees running. I could go on and on. Both men and women judge and criticize me for being unfeminine and unladylike because I won't be passive and I won't compromise for settling for what most people settle for in their relationships, they project their own self-hatred about the price they pay for their own choices onto me. People criticize me for being a perfectionist. They say I want too much, too soon, and ignore the fact that at least I am perfectly willing to pay the price for it. I don't expect other people to be perfect. But I do expect them to be BETTER. Or at least WANT to be better. And when they don't, and they aren't, I get very angry and very sad. And when I just give up that no one will ever try or want for these things, I just completely stop trying at everything, and I use food like a drug, I won't move my body to do anything except get in my car and drive down to the convenience store for more cigarettes, and I sleep twelve hours a day. I have literally spent the last ten years of my life doing that. Now that I have found the will to try again, to try to control the little things that I can, the resistance and the sabotage I find I get from others is totally overwhelming at some times. Right now, the only things I feel I have control over are what I put in my mouth, how hard and far I push myself physically, and now, what I wear. That's not very much control, and I actually don't really consider myself a control freak.
Okay, that's enough for my emotional rant.
On the brighter side, I AM ACTUALLY GETTING SMALLER. My weight has not changed in 2 months. I did take some more measurements today, and I have lost A LOT. I lost 1 1/4" off of my bust, another 1/2" off my waist, and another 1" off of my hips. Total, in the last 2 months, I have lost 1 1/2" off of my bust, 1" off of my waist and 1 1/2" off of my hips. I have lost 4 inches of fat off of my body in the last 2 months without losing more than a pound or two. So that tells me something. Running ten miles a week might have something to do with it. Taking strength training classes where I'm actually lifting weights for the first time since high school may have something to do with it. Having the courage to take cardio classes where I can't keep up with choreography and I can't do step very well but I sweat and I try anyway may have something to do with it. It tells me that I am converting this fat into more muscle. I AM SMALLER, BUT I AM MORE DENSE. And, AND, I am more fit. So eff the scale. I weigh the same. But what I've gained I think means more than the number.
Diet Calendar Entries for 21 October 2012:
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1413 kcal
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Fat: 61.35g | Prot: 96.64g | Carb: 132.91g.
Breakfast: red delicious apples, Atkins Meal Peanut Butter Fudge bar. Lunch: reduced fat string cheese, Hunts sugar free vanilla pudding, Kraft Light Mayonnaise, Sara Lee Delightful 100% Whole Wheat Bread, Oscar Mayer turkey bacon, romaine lettuce, tomato. Dinner: Pillsbury sugar free chocolate fudge frosting, Pillsbury Sugar Free Chocolate cake mix, Kraft Light Raspberrry Vinaigrette dressing, iceberg lettuce, baby carrots, chicken breast. Snacks/Other: baby carrots, Sabra Hummus. more...
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2720 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Sitting - 2 hours, Housework - 1 hour, Conditioning exercise (health club) - 1 hour, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 30 minutes, Driving - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 6 hours and 30 minutes, Desk Work - 3 hours. more...
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