KayBuckaroo's Journal, 15 August 2018

Last night I had an immature response to something someone else said, a stranger, and I took it wrong and snapped. Classic Kay Buck. I have always felt more comfortable with anger than most any other feelings, and being 5’??? I got results from my anger. But that’s what the Prozac is for! And that’s why I’m lifting weights with those beefy guys! And that’s why I run til I’m tired. Fitness is my therapy, among other things. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t eat 1) the rest of frozen birthday cake I found in the freezer (with my hands, like a regular freak show), 2) 1/2 box sour patch kids that I bought the baby, 3) all remains of Halo Top snivels left in freezer. Yes, I’m definitely needing to go to sleep at that point but it’s all about seek and destroy so I’m up and I’m eating. Im eating so fast in not tasting. Or thinking. It’s just a blank screen up there.

Damn if I didn’t have a slip.

And that’s the way it happened every time before FS: unchecked emotional pain and whammy. Binge. I actually couldn’t process any feelings whatsoever without very fast food inhalation. Including happiness. It’s also why I stayed a smoker for two decades. Cigarettes are calorie free! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Food addiction is the good girl drug, I was told once. Yeah, not when you’re the angry chick yelling. But, point is, bad things happen with addiction (aside from weight gain, etc) like stuffing emotional energy and it erupting inappropriately. I did a check in with myself over my coffee, after a great sleep, and I cannot believe how many areas of life are holding stress for me. Kids family marriage career : check check check check! Bills : check! Add to that eating cake for 3 days and you have a feeling volcano.

Bulimic people are a desperate sort, at least this one is. Desperate to get rid of the bad stuff. Not patient. Impulsive, if necessary, or calculated and plotting if needed. Either way, ruthless. I was willing to go to great lengths to hurt myself, whether it was with a 10,000 calorie binge, a 3 hour purge, a 10 mile run, a 10 day fast, been there done that. But recovery to me means I’m not gonna hurt myself anymore. I didn’t eat enough to hurt, and im not gonna beat myself up about it now.

In hindsight, I should have skipped the sweets and went to take a bath, a shower, a walk, washed the dishes- the things in my toolbox I know to do when feelings are too much. But I’m quick. Like ninja quick. And there was a really good defiance in grabbing that stuff. I forgot what I was mad about for periods of 20 seconds while the chocolate punched my tongue and screamed “I’m baaaaack and I brought frostinggggg”

🤷🏻‍♀️. ... I’m okay. Thanks for the community support and thank you for bringing me down those few notches.

Goals are important for me, so I’m going to set an emotional and a physical goal. Emotional: have a peaceful day. Above all else, keep my inner peace. Physically: do my ab workout and get cardio in. Nutritional goal is that head of cauliflower and more spicy chicken, watermelon. The half gallon of milk should last me til 11.

Awww fatsecret, have a great day out there and be kind to yourself today. 👸🏼

Diet Calendar Entry for 15 August 2018:
1917 kcal Fat: 62.86g | Prot: 67.43g | Carb: 237.58g.   Breakfast: Latte Coffee. Lunch: Stop & Shop Baby Carrots, Deutsche Kuche Bavarian Sweet Mustard, Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables (Including Tomatoes and/or Carrots), 1% Fat Milk, O'Charley's Pico de Gallo, Foster Farms Buffalo Chicken Breast. Dinner: Tootsie Roll Tootsie Roll (Small), Good Sense Raw Sunflower Seeds. Snacks/Other: Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows, Mrs. Freshley's Frosted Mini Donuts. more...

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Comments 
The difference is that nowadays you pull yourself up short, see what you've done, draw a line and move on. No-one is worth putting yourself in pain - except perhaps your kids. Some Japanese companies have punch bags with manager's faces on for the staff. 
15 Aug 18 by member: minitata
Oh mini I love you.  
15 Aug 18 by member: KayBuckaroo
This is truly impressive work. Most of us disappear in these moments and wallow in them. Inspiring to see you taking a better path, owning your sh^t, still loving yourself, and letting it go. Pro AF. Again. Have a great day! Let's go! #flush-it #next #inspiringAF  
15 Aug 18 by member: jimmiepop
I could have written this. Love you girl! 😘 
15 Aug 18 by member: mrsroboto
I understand. 
15 Aug 18 by member: adefwebserver
This is why I love this place. Great way to vent and share with others. Strength comes from within mama ✨❤️ 
15 Aug 18 by member: jsessentials
I also could have written that first paragrah...to many times. I've got to keep my anger in check. It just explodes... and the emotions that come with it has me getting out the wine AND the food. And then, I realise, more often than not, that I overeacted, and need to apologize.... and I hate, all of it, especially because it's happened too often.  
15 Aug 18 by member: NowIunderstand
I went through the same thing. I still have some residual effects from being heavy, but I do feel a lot better now. I was wondering if you have tried yoga? That's what centered me. I was able to work through my emotions and not lash out at people. I think that you would benefit greatly from it. It helps heal your mind, body and soul. It helped me greatly, maybe it could do the same for you.  
15 Aug 18 by member: MrsMagyk
Thanks everyone! You are all pro AF & I certainly can’t do this without y’all  
15 Aug 18 by member: KayBuckaroo
I wish I could send you all just a bit of my “why the F##k should I care what you think” attitude. I’m glad this is a brighter morning for you Kay. 
15 Aug 18 by member: Kenna Morton
I can relate to this way more than I care to admit.  
15 Aug 18 by member: @philrmcknight
Great job KB recognizing both your triggers and the bad result of them...thnx too for sharing your thoughts. Take care, "keep on keepin on", you are doing great!! 
15 Aug 18 by member: Steven Lloyd
Kaybuckeroo, i give you mad respect for wrestling your demons head-on at such a young age! It takes many of us many more years of living in self-delusion before we decide to get honest with ourselves. You look beautiful, amazing, but it is the inner work that you are doing that is creating the new healthy you.  
15 Aug 18 by member: jengetfit123
Hugs 🤗🤗 
15 Aug 18 by member: gaelicgal
Oh yes, how many times has anger been a trigger issue for me? Too many! You are certainly not alone. 
15 Aug 18 by member: BlueFront
I don’t know you but at this moment I’m very proud of you and proud ‘to know you’ on FS. It’s hard to think things through like you did. Even harder to realize when we might’ve made a mistake or being emotional-I do it a lot! I hope you have a wonderful day! 
15 Aug 18 by member: peeperjj
You are a wise one KB and very self aware- it helps me recognize my weakness' and be more mindful- thanks for sharing :) 
15 Aug 18 by member: newmooney
Well said, KB. I used to eat my anger many years ago - now, I am so incredibly aware of my feelings it seldom happens. Not never....but seldom. That's the best we all can do, right? Know yourself and do not let others get inside your head that way - keep your power because you have lots! 
15 Aug 18 by member: HCB

     
 

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