KayseaLove's Journal, 21 June 2018

I having a semi bad week. Just the days that start with a T. It took every ounce of my being to not leave work and drink until I blacked out and woke up in jail. Or ate junk food carbs for comfort only to knock myself out of ketosis. I had a cigarette. I feel ever since I decided to quit smoking for good my stress level has increased. I'm pissed off at my living situation and the loads of other people's drama that is landing on me from all directions. I am in bed. it's my favorite place to cry myself to sleep. tomorrow is a new day that doesn't have the letter T in it. Friday. The energy of the universe feels a little lighter on Fridays. I feel wounded by all the injustice in the world praying for God to make everything manageable again since he is in control. Not me. I'm also waiting for apologies I may never get. At least I still have diet cheesecake to eat so when I eat my feelings in sweets it doesn't take me out of ketosis.

Diet Calendar Entries for 21 June 2018:
970 kcal Fat: 75.26g | Prot: 47.71g | Carb: 18.76g.   Lunch: Cheddar Cheese, Ground Beef (80% Lean / 20% Fat, Patty, Cooked, Broiled), Great Gherkins Hamburger Dill Pickle Slices. Dinner: Vegetable Pizza Topping. Snacks/Other: All Day I Dream About Food Low Carb Pecan Pie Cheesecake. more...
2081 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 8 hours, Desk Work - 8 hours. more...
on diet r/keto  

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Comments 
Not sure if you figured this out, but nicotine is an addiction and the feelings that you suppressed with the cigarettes are now yours to feel as they happen. God is not supposed to cure everything for you - he is supposed to give you opportunities instead. Hang in there - tomorrow is another day! 
21 Jun 18 by member: abbadabba
Thank you abbadabba =) I appreciate your comment and concern. 
22 Jun 18 by member: KayseaLove
(((hugs))) I feel so bad for you. Addictions are terrible. Drink a lot of water. The rate is one ounce per every two pounds of body weight. It will help flush the poisons out of your body. Replace the electrolytes with sea salt at the rate of 1/4 teaspoon per quart of water. (The salt goes on your food, not in your water. Naturally salty foods, like celery or seafood, may be used instead.) If your doctor says to restrict salt, then consume it only when you feel light-headed. There is more to this, but if something "free" can help, why not try it? I'm praying for you as well. 
22 Jun 18 by member: moogiemynes
Quitting drinking, carbs, and smoking!! All while dealing with problems that I’m sure feel totally overwhelming! You are so strong!! They say giving up cigarettes is the hardest thing to do. I remember when I first decided that I wasn’t going to buy cigarettes anymore; I nearly had a mental break down driving to work, passing the gas station I normally stopped at (I did a UTurn and continued smoking and hating myself for 6 more months). I eventually quit. Not drinking helped and buying a vape and decreasing the nic to zero helped me end the addiction. Cigarette free for 2 years now. You’ll get there. It might take some time but you’ll get where you want with your body and your life. 
22 Jun 18 by member: CrashtestDawnie
As a former smoker I can tell you it only took me like 6 years to stop thinking about cigs on a daily basis. As the son of an alcoholic that watched his father drink himself to death I can tell you it’s not a pretty way to go. Everyone’s struggle is different, I can’t pretend to know exactly what you are going through but I think it’s best to keep fighting. I’m just some idiot on the internet but you can message me whenever you want to talk about whatever you want. 
22 Jun 18 by member: aaronpark
I love how you three took the time to read my message and respond with remarkable support. I feel blessed. I just ate a sliced cucumber covered in salt for lunch with my salad @moogiemynes. I am drinking water constantly. Its cool because my eyes will randomly tears while I blink and I take it as an indicator I am fully hydrated and its leaking out. I am going to get a zero nic vape cigarette for when I hang out with my smoker friends @CrashtestDawnie since social smoking seems to be where I light up -great idea- I am holding the image of what my imagination is painting as the picture of your father drinking himself to death in my heart and as a reminder how NOT to go out of this world @aaronpark. Thank you for letting me know you are there, I appreciate it, even if you are just some idiot on the internet ;)  
25 Jun 18 by member: KayseaLove
Dear Kaysea, yours is not an easy road! My husband was blacking out on alcohol when he was finally able to quit 30 years ago. He quit smoking a couple of years later because it was just too difficult to do both at once. When he gained weight and consulted a bariatrician, he was told that addicts often exchange one addiction for another. I hope your weekend was calm and soothing. (Me? *Another* "idiot on the Internet" offering prayers and good wishes! My drug of choice has always been chocolate -- cheap, legal at any age, and -- in my case -- readily available to seven-year-olds from grandma's secret stash.) 
25 Jun 18 by member: Miraculum
Just amazing to see all of you here to give a fellow traveler some support. What a great bunch. I too have been there done that. And now old enough to know a good thing when I see it, and Aaronpark, just love your WIT. Kaysea, we are having the same kind of week, and I think that writing about it is a great idea. I won't add my list of "makes me sick" now because it's 10PM and Netflix is calling. Thinking of you 
01 Jul 18 by member: every name I choose is taken
Yes you have taken on a lot simultaneously. You have made it this far, don’t quit now. Would you consider going gently on the diet and concentrate on cigarettes and alcohol. Then take weight on full bore when you are feeling a little more in control. Please don’t give up.  
01 Jul 18 by member: Kenna Morton

     
 

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