madaboutmoose's Journal, 09 January 2010

Welcome to Starbucks!! The weather is rather nasty outside so I drove my mom to her miniature club meeting today. I have been shopping (I had a gift card and a rewards certificate from Macy's to spend) and now I'm at Starbucks ... waiting until it is time to pick her up and drive back home.

Ended up spending about $36.00 at Macy's but walked out of the store with two pairs of Tommy Hilfiger pants (one pair of jeans and one pair of black cords), a denim jacket, a black sweater, and a Calvin Klein light weight variegated long purple sweater!! Quite a haul I think!! It is always fun to have the time to fart around and really look through things. Bob had to work today so I've been "on my own" so to speak.

I actually slept for 5 continuous hours last night. The first time I woke up wasn't until 2 am. That felt great but rather confused me. I knocked my alarm clock off of my end table in an effort to pick up my flashlight and wander downstairs to check the fire. I still haven't found the alarm clock!! Bob on the other hand didn't have such a good night and I guess he was up a couple of times to stoke the fire. I had a difficult time getting back to sleep at two, but I managed to eventually.

I have been pondering my journey here over the past couple of days. I am working on changing the way I think about my scale, eating, and any additional weight loss. I want to "feel" more "normal" about weigh-ins. I want them to be just what I do and not to have any particular meaning if I don't "lose" weight on any particular day. I fear I set myself up for disappointment sometimes. If the scale fluctuates up I feel like a failure on some level ... even though I know in my brain that is not true. If the scale fluctuates down I feel GREAT and get all excited about getting even lower. I am NOT in any hurry!! Although I very much would like to bring my range down lower, there are no deadlines in mind, there is no rush, and quite honestly I feel pretty damn good right where I am!! So it isn't that I want to be stagnant or "settle" I just want to learn how to do this with more self acceptance I guess. The reality is that I will need to weigh in regularly and be conscious about my food choices FOREVER ... if I want to weigh what I weigh now, or less. There is no "DONE" for me. So, that's what I have been thinking about.

Five wonderful things today that I am grateful for ...

1. a gift card and rewards certificate to shop with
2. having a little "me" time
3. sleeping for 5 continuous hours!!!
4. being able to take my mom where she likes to go and having "car time" with her
5. even though the weather is crummy it warmed up to about 20!!! YEEHAW!!!

And so on I go ... the losing weight is so much easier than the changing the way I automatically think!! I still see myself as a FAT person ... I know I'm not a skinny mini but I think I'm pretty "normal" looking, whatever that is. I want to see myself as I am ... and be okay with it. Anyone else relate?

Have a great weekend and a stupendous Saturday!!
179.4 lb Lost so far: 79.8 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed 100%.

Diet Calendar Entries for 09 January 2010:
1507 kcal Fat: 29.55g | Prot: 93.10g | Carb: 236.14g.   Breakfast: water, medifast cocoa, Fiber One. Lunch: Sweet Onion Sauce Subway, Subway Apple Slices, 6 inch double meat turkey Subway. Dinner: corn tortilla, Eating Right Chicken Fajitas. Snacks/Other: Pirate's Booty, Starbuck's Tall Skinny Caramel Latte, Snickers Marathon Dark Chocolate Crunch. more...
3048 kcal Activities & Exercise: Shopping - 3 hours, Driving - 3 hours, Precor Elliptical - 50 minutes, Resting - 9 hours and 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
losing 11.2 lb a week

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Comments 
I totally know what you mean when you say that you still see yourself as the "fat person". People say to me "oh my goodness, you've lost over 100lbs - you look great" and they think thats amazing, but all I see is what I have left to lose. I try my best to get past it, but its hard. Maybe we could make ourselves a fat suit to put on in the mornings, just to remind ourselves how big we used to be, and how far we have come! That fire of yours is really bugging me!! I must say, I think you need a heater in your house - what do you do for hot water??? Its 10 below outside, and your tending to a fire all night, losing sleep, etc... Maybe a small space heater in the bedroom?? I was so close to Starbucks today too - thats to funny. I was in line with my girls (in the mall) but they were acting up so much, that I just took them out of line and got back in the car. KIDS! LOL At least we had already eaten (Cheesecake Factory - Mmmmm). Oh, and great job on the clothes! I love shopping, and doing it with a gift car is the best way! Have a great Saturday buddy!!!!!!! 
09 Jan 10 by member: MomofTwoGirls
I was thinking something similar recently. I hit my goal of 130 and I adjusted it to 115. I never thought I would be successful by just "eating healthy and exercising" like I have always been told is the way to lose weight and keep it off. So I was eating out the other day and I was wondering, what will I eat when I am no longer dieting? Then I realized I am not dieting, this is a new lifestyle and way of eating. If I just go back to my old ways then my weight will come back. But I can relax a little and enjoy those simple pleasures. That little piece of chocolate is NOT the end of the world. It is the bag, lol. I pick up a piece now, not a bag if I want to special treat. I know what MomofTwo means also about others thinking you look great, but you still see the beely bulge or the flabby arms, butt, whatever. So now that I have some well developed thighs, I am proud of my accomplishments! So I just take it one day at a time and think, will this be the day that I start to see improvement on my tummy? Scales: when I see the additional pound and I did everything right, I could almost cry! I get hard on myself and then think, wait, I did everything right, this is just a fluctuation, it will come off and usually it does with some more. YOU NEED A HEATER lol Keep up the good work and isn't "me time" great and mommy time also! I miss that with my mom, with all the kids and grandkids we don't get that anymore.  
09 Jan 10 by member: kmaxwell08
I'll say! That is quite a haul for $36!!! I have to go now (to Macy's). ;-) 
09 Jan 10 by member: information
loved your journal today. I think weight loss is so much a part of out mind and not just about the numbers. I really like the spot you are in. I want to go shopping too-sounds like too much fun for 36 dollars and I hope you felt the pleasure in the smaller sizes you were able to buy. 
09 Jan 10 by member: sharonfriz
Great shopping trip! I can definitely appreciate all of your thinking about the scale--how the number can make or break our days. It is not a way to live our lives. Being held hostage by the scale isn't a good substitute for being held hostage by unhealthy eating habits or a lacking self-regard. Thinking of this as a lifelong project does help. But I'm sure we will be battling this one for awhile. Insofar as the way you see yourself, when I looked in the mirror for a long time I saw my old thinner self. Even though the scale and my clothing kept getting bigger, I still imagined myself to be thinner. I thought they were all "bad pictures." And now that I'm losing again--I am finding it hard to not see the heavier me. Ahhh well. Someday I will see the me as I am.  
09 Jan 10 by member: beets_yum
I need to take shopping lessons from you, Moose. How the heck did you get ALL that for $36?! Me time, isn't that wonderful? As for seeing myself as I am, I have a feeling this will be a lifelong struggle. I remember in my early 20's someone I knew said to me, "You have such a pretty face. If you weren't so heavy, you'd be quite an attractive girl." I think I weighed about 165lbs. It didn't matter that the guy who said it was a total booger, got off on being a booger especially to women, no one liked him, and that I had a boyfriend who thought I was da bomb. I beat myself about that for years. Now that I have a daughter, I do not want my legacy to her to be self-esteem issues. I love your verve, thanks for keeping our noggins joggin! 
09 Jan 10 by member: MsWahine
First, I'm not sleeping anyway so the wood stove isn't really keeping me up - LOL! Second, we live "off the grid" which means we make our own electricity so high draw appliances like space heaters are not an option unfortunately. We would like to see if there is some kind of heater out there we could use ... but this year really has been unusually cold. Oh ... hot water. We have a propane for the hot water heater and cooking stove!! We also have flushing toilets!!! Tee hee!! I did get really great buys today ... but I have to confess ... I had a gift card for $25 and a rewards certificate for $25 so $36 was above and beyond that. Still ... I don't count the other because I only spent $36 out of my wallet!! I am enjoying the smaller sizes ... I still look at the pants and think ... will they fit? ... but they do!!  
09 Jan 10 by member: madaboutmoose
Wow. Off the grid! Someday I would love to live in a self-sufficient energy producing house. My husband is certified in green building and he would love to figure that all out. THough it does sound harder than the romanticized version in my head.  
09 Jan 10 by member: beets_yum
I so know what you mean--I can't wrap my mind around how much smaller I am either. I've gone from an 18-20 to a 10-12 and I still see the big girl in the mirror even though I thought the pants looked small before I put them on! I am very happy to hear that you have flushing toilets too. :) 
09 Jan 10 by member: erikag
Off the grid...this is my dream! I LOVE THIS TIDBIT ABOUT YOU! Wow, I'm in total awe, Moose. OK, so even at $86 with the cards & coupons, that's still impressive for 5 items from macys. I am using ya'lls vibes of smallerness to keep motivated for my future smallerness. I know what you mean, Moose & Erika, about looking at a smaller size and not computing that it can fit. I'm looking forward to that :) 
09 Jan 10 by member: MsWahine
I can totally relate to your journal especially after bathing suit shopping today. The scale can make or break our day if we let it and we have to learn how not to let it. It's crazy really. We should be happy with where we are now and how hard we have worked to get here instead of always beating ourselves up and expecting more an more. We need to take charge and be happy with ourselves now. 
09 Jan 10 by member: chattycathy1955
Hey there. Your shopping experience sounded good, actually. I know I still am in the "hate" shopping mode. Don't get me wrong, you know I love clothes but it is just not "fun" yet. Just being practical, I am sure. So, you might recall a while back I was weighing in and recording it everyday. I admit the scale did reflect my moods, but I think it is the "recording it " part that really reflected how I feel. Here is what I do now. I still weigh in every morning. But, I only record my weigh in once a week. Therefore, when I have an off day and the scale jumps 3lbs in a day I don't freak out. I simply tell myself, " you have X amount of days to change it". I guess if my weigh in day I were to be high I would freak out, and have reason to. I don't know moose, it is all in our heads. You will find peace in the numbers, scale... the journey again.  
10 Jan 10 by member: Deana Garcia
I can relate. Very much so. I have been, more times than I would like to admit, at this weight or lower and had the same scale problem you are experiencing. I think that the difference for me this time around is that I found IE which does not focus on the number so much. I still have some trouble but nothing like I had before. I sometimes forget to weigh myself...like last week! :) I also have started trying to appreciate my body for what it is and not for what it is not. Meaning I am happy I can walk for hours rather than being upset that I can not run a marathon. Perhaps refocusing one of your 5 things each day into one about loving your body would help?? "Today I love my eyes for seeing the colors of the sunrise!" or "Today I appreciate my ears for hearing a baby giggle." :) Just a thought... ;) I love your shopping trip! You sound like me. I try to pinch that penny til it screams! 
10 Jan 10 by member: dawn0001
You have a rockin' journal entry with this post - as the many comments above indicate. I am "fat" in my head too. My Size 10 Short pants fit a bit snug and I have difficulty reminding me that these are 10's that are snug -- NOT SIZE 16's! I wear my clothes too big! Thanks so much for the insight! You are the best! MUCH LOVE.  
10 Jan 10 by member: poet-in-motion
Dawn, I love your comment. Great thoughts.  
10 Jan 10 by member: beets_yum
Nice haul on the shopping trip! Retail therapy is always good for the soul. :-) 
10 Jan 10 by member: mbhpro
Yes, no matter what I lose I always feel fat, bigger than anyone else. But keep in mind we are TALL women and that makes a huge difference in our perception of how we view ourselves in photos and groups. It is hard to feel smaller when we tower over most of the people in the room. We just need to keep in mind that we have lost and find a way to be at peace with it all.  
10 Jan 10 by member: WECANDOTHIS
i totally relate. I have missed your journals so much carol lol  
10 Jan 10 by member: girlygirlatheart
Thank you all for your comments ... it is always such a pleasure to interact with all of you!! Dawn ... I'll have to ponder your input ... it makes sense, if I start to practice accepting my body it will happen in time!! Thanks!! Mo - of course you are right about the "tall" part!! It is always such an interesting experience when I meet someone actually taller than me and they do make me feel small. I must say it doesn't happen often though, LOL!!! 
10 Jan 10 by member: madaboutmoose

     
 

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