Good morning!
I wish I could say that this was me a the dreaded meeting yesterday. It's not, though.
I can't say the meeting went unexpected. I'm sad that it proved a few things true for me.
Let's just say that the ladies that I brough from the union were shocked at my boss' behavior and actions, to the point where one stated that this was one of her worst meetings in her 42 year career.
At least, I got a chance to be heard. I got a chance to state my mind.
Let's just say it got loud. It got ANGRY. It included very colorful words and probably a few danish words that mean something down the line of "f*cktard".
LOL.
It wasn't pretty, but at least I don't just volunteer to pull down my pants and take the spanking. Hell no.
This isn't the end of it, sadly. There will be another meeting. It's just as much a game of work policies, who did what, lack of empathy and so much more. I would be writing for hours if I was to explain it all. I won't bore you with it.
Anyways, I left the meeting just as stunned as my union people did. They agreed that he's out to get me. They agree that his actions are rude and uncomfortable, and that his actions and procedures in all this are WAY wrong. I'm glad I brought them. Otherwise I would probably have thought it was just me. Turns out, it's not.
The big problem in this is that I had truly hoped that I would have left the meeting with a more common-ground solution on things. I had hoped that it had ended with a hand shake that would be the start of coming back to work, getting things fixed and getting everything back on track.
Instead, it felt like all negotiations fell apart, and the little respect that I might have had for my boss is now gone.
This is my new starting point in a journey that needs to be with a focus on coming back to work.
I can't afford to just flip 'em all off and leave. It's a well paid job and it would be a massive straing to survive without it, until I find a new job.
Jobs aren't readily available, sadly.
Yes, I can get hours working at the gym. Yes, I have my classes. But all in all it doesn't make ENOUGH that we can truly live off of it.
So, the focus needs to be coming back.
I'm nowhere ready to come back though. I am truly shocked. I can't believe his rude behavior yesterday, and the more I think back on the whole thing, the more proud I am that I lost it and showed him my true opinion on how he has treated me the last few weeks, and how it has affected me.
I was ready to go back to work on the 13th of January. Hell, I WENT back to work. HE - my boss specifically - is the reason that I am now out sick. He is the reason that I have scares over my heart condition. He is the reason that I am now feeling anxious every time I get even close to the building.
HE is. Not work. Him. I wonder if I could keep my job BUT have a restraining order filed on him? LOL. That would be a blast.
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All this is also the reason that I am up at midnight. I went to bed with Wife at 8:30 as we usually do - we get up SUPER early, at 3:30 am - but I haven't slept at all. So many thoughts. So much to process. So much to consider. So much to think about. There is absolutely no rest in my head.
So, I decided to get up, and more or less write my way out of some of it. I needed something else than just lying there thinking, staring at the ceiling.
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This journal won't be posted until later this morning, after I do my weigh-in. It's too early for it, as it's not even midnight.
I will weigh in at 3:30 or 4:00 am, give or take. Then I'll write that last part that relates to my weight, and then post it all.
...
I'm not really concerned with whether it's going up or down right now. I have so many other thoughts in my head. So much other crap going on.
But, of course, I want the numbers to be pretty. The better my numbers are, the less I stress over them.
I know I did good yesterday (today?). I ended up 1000 calories under RDI, so there is no fat gain, that's for sure. But, in a way I didn't do well enough either.
I was supposed to eat with a slight surplus, to promote muscle growth. It just didn't happen. I just didn't get there. I could tell that if I was to eat anything more yesterday, I would have ended up making dumb choices, and I know that takes me WAY past the "slight surplus". I have seen this happen too many times lately, and I don't want that to happen any time soon if I can avoid it.
So, I think the large deficit is better.
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I went to the gym yesterday, so continue my getting-back-on-track-exercises. It still works a charm. Things are progressing surprisingly well. I do what I have to do, and I feel the progress every time.
One major setback though. All of yesterday after workout, my lower back was hurting.
I really didn't feel any kind of pain during the workouts. I didn't do ANY exercise that I didn't feel I could have done harder or more. I had zero indicators that my back would be hurting.
I've been analyzing this a lot though out the day, to find out what caused it - and to keep my mind away from the scary meeting that was coming up.
I have concluded that it might not have been the actual exercise, but much more likely it was sitting in bad chairs for all those hours waiting a the hospital on Thursday. We were there for 6½ hours waiting. I was never comfortable in those chairs. They're made for people having a quick cup of coffee or a lunch break. Not to spend a full day.
I'm thinking that the strain from sitting there being uncomfortable, probably slouching too much, and THEN putting on weights the day after, might have caused it. I don't - truly don't - think the workouts did it on their own.
Today is resting day, so I will take it easy. I will probably go in and continue my workout schedule on Saturday if it feels right. I will be giving this extra special attention, and evaluate whether there are exercises that I need to skip or do differently.
Man, is just seems like it's all piling out and coming at me right now, doesn't it? Geez.
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I hate writing these negative journals. As you know, I'm generally not a negative person. I want the best for everytone. I want to do good. I want to succeed, and I want to see everyone around me succeeding with me. This is who I am, truly, deep down.
This whole thing has really swept the feet away from under me, and not in a good way. All my thoughts are jumbled, and I can tell that even a simple, enjoyful thing such as writing my journal, take a HUGE effort from me.
I'm hoping it will get me tired enough to get some sleep. I can tell my eyes get tired from looking at the screen, and my head gets tired from thinking. It's a good thing. I need something to block those thoughts, and writing does it nicely.
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I know that things will turn out fine, no matter how they turn out. I know that if I can't follow my wallet (so to speak) and get grip on the job again, then at least I get a chance to follow my heart instead. It'll cost us some conveniences, and a LOT of money, but at least I get to follow my heart. This is what ultimately has to happen sooner or later. Now is just not good timing for it.
Anyways, I will end my journal for now. I will try to go sleep. I need sleep so badly it's ridiculous.
I had hoped that the heart reset would have helped it.
Actually, I slept better last night than I have ever since I had that first meeting with the boss. I haven't had a good night's sleep ever since. I kinda miss it, sleeping. :/
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Let's turn the page now.
I'm going to sleep, and hopefully there will be a more positive attitude in the next part of the journal. If you're still with me, I truly salute you. :)
...
Good morning again!
I managed to squeeze in a couple of hours of sleep. Not much, but better than nothing.
Fitbits sleep tracker says I had 209 awake minutes last night. :/
Anyways, positivity promised! Let's make this a good start of the day.
Today, I'm gonna - as always - ensure that my calorie burn will be at 2800, the very least. I'd like it a little higher, as we're gonna go out for dinner tonight.
It will be done with walking, and maybe my bike at home.
There's no workout today, as I did it yesterday - today is rest day. That's probably a good idea, since my back is still aching. I can tell that I feel "stiff", and that bothers me. Picking up things from the floor, something that I normally have zero issues with, is a challenge, and I can tell that I am straining the muscles/nerves/whatever-it-is in my lower back when I do.
I will try to NOT strain it today, to just do right and take it easy. Walking usually helps me in cases like this, so this is what I'll do. I will probably walk a LOT.
Walking is also a great mental thing for me. It sounds like a good solution today.
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As I said, we're going out for dinner tonight.
We live in an apartment above a Thai restaurant. We don't really go there much, even though the food is great. It's just not one of those places that we frequent a whole lot.
They have a nice little buffet that we've never tried.
It's also a bar, and this is probably what it's best know for in town. These days it's a LOT more a restaurant than bar, but I think they never really got that message though to people.
I used to go there a LOT when I was young. It was one of those great places where everyone would meet, there would always be someone you knew (kinda like the show Cheers, you know?), and there would be acoustic guitars that we could borrow.
I've had many a great jam session there. I've formed bands there. I found my first girlfriend there. So yeah, the place has massive historic value to me.
Sadly, tonight is the very last night that they're gonna be open.
I think business just hasn't been good. There are a couple of new Chinese and Japanese restaurants in town, and I think people just sort of forgot that this place even existed.
Personally, I think we felt that it wasn't really "going out" if we just went downstairs. I think we felt that it was a little too much staying home if we were gonna "go somewhere", if that makes any sense.
Regardless, we probably wouldn't eat there often enough to save the entire economy of the place. :)
I'm gonna miss it, though. It was a great place to just pop in for a chat and a beer or soda, and the food there IS great.
It'll be a bitter sweet experience eating there tonight, for the very last time.
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So, how about the weight?
Well, it's not bad. I'm down 200g since yesterday. That's almost irrelevant.
However, my body fat percentage is lower, and I register 600g less fat today. My muscle mass is higher, 400g, and my fluid is down by 100g.
Basically, all the numbers that I'd like to see going down has gone down, and all the number that I like to see going up has gone up. Not bad.
It makes me want to get back into weight loss mode SO BAD to see these results.
It was in no way hard to lose that, it was in no way hard to eat within that RDI (I went 800 lower than I should have), but I can't keep doing it right now, while I rebuild/wake up my muscles. I need more energy for that.
The good thing is that I reached my goals on protein, fat and fiber. The carb goal, I don't really care all that much about it. Carbs are mostly for energy, and I can live with going low on those - when I don't need them.
Right now, though, my body needs them. I need to be in a slight surplus state, just a tiny notch, to gain that muscle back.
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It should just be (in theory, at least) three more weeks of surplus. After three more weeks, I should be back working out full speed forward, if all goes as planned. So far the recovery plan works perfect, with my back being a potential slight setback. I'll have to evaluate that on the fly, and see if there are things I need to watch out for.
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After I'm done recovering, I will HAVE to go back to weight loss mode, just every so little. I don't want to be at 87 kilos. It's not acceptable for me, unless it happens while I have a body fat percentage less than 10.
That's my goal. Under 10. That's something that I think should be accomplishable, look good, be healthy and make me feel that I am at my goal.
The body weight as such I don't care about, but I care that my fat percentage is at 12-13%, with the extra weight of fat that this adds.
Obviously, it's not a bad weight where I am today. I just feel that I can do better, and do better I will. I haven't gone through all this to stay seated on the wrong side of the fence. Right?
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One last thing.
I have had so much on my mind, I haven't had the energy to go though my buddies' journals. I apologize. I want to follow you guys, as I know how much your support means to me. There just isn't head room for that extra focus point right now. I know you guys understand, but I needed to tell you. I'll be back before we know it. :)
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Today, I'm thankful for:
- Giving my boss an earful yesterday. I might have made matters work, but boy did I need that outlet. Best thing I have done for ME in a while.
- Going to the doctor today.
- Wife. She's so mad at my boss, and she LOVED that I told him off.
- Wife. Being the rock that I need right now.
- Going out tonight, even if it's be bitter sweet.
- Weekend. No work. Enjoying life with Wife.
Happy Friday! Have a great weekend! Life is good!
