FullaBella's Journal, 06 August 2013

I can't remember the last time I felt this bored, stagnate, irritated, aggravated, and apathetic. Oh, yeah.. I can... yesterday. And the day before that. And I think the one before that. Before that? I can't remember. Hence the lack of journals. This one didn't improve any so read at your own risk.

Things are just .. the same. No big tragedies; no big exciting news. DH's health is holding but he is being really hard to live with right now. There's just no pleasing him. Seriously. I could give about 100 inane examples but you'd likely not believe me. I'm just asking you to trust me. It's a lose / lose situation here lately.

Last night I lost my ability to 'let it all roll off my back like a duck' and went out on the deck and ranted so loud I made the dogs next door bark (and they were inside the house!).

Then I painted something I titled 'Rage'. I used a palette knife and a lot of red, black and yellow paint. Use your imagination. My little makeshift art studio is a splattered mess. I think I rinsed a half pound of skin down the drain trying to loofah the paint off my face, hands, legs, feet and arms. There. There's my 'weight loss' portion of this journal.

OK.. so here's a vent .. maybe if I get this out of my head I'll be able to move on. I need a break. I so freaking need a break. You all know it. You all get it. But my heartless witch of a stepdaughter either doesn't get it or could not care less.

This PAST weekend, likely the reason for my unshakeable funk, I COULD have gone away for my '48 hour pass' but .. no.... they already had plans to go to the LAKE before school started.

Now... school doesn't start until NEXT week but anyway ... I didn't want her to adjust her plans for me. Well, I did, but she didn't offer. So I have a trade show THIS weekend so of course, Bella always comes LAST so I'm going next weekend. On a Thu/Fri because she has plans that Sat night. Agggh.

But this past weekend.. the one I 'couldn't go' on because they were going to the lake? THEY DIDN'T GO. It was 'too hot'. No kidding. Hot in August. Go figure. So I was home, bored, and resentful. There, I said it.

And having DH rant at me that the temperature beside his chair spiked to a unbearable 68 degrees because I was using the oven to bake his requested stuffed hen, homemade biscuits and not one but TWO cobblers (peach & cherry) was ... well... making it hard for me to breathe. The heat was in triple digits outside but I stayed out there as much as possible to escape the hell that had become my Sunday.

I don't think I ranted this one out but here goes - because it's similar and feels like a ton of angry bricks piling up in my head. A few months ago my friend had really nice balcony seats to a once in a lifetime musical in the BigCity and invited me but I couldn't go because the SD couldn't (wouldn't) stay with her FATHER that day because she had plans.

What were they? you ask.... haha. She was going to one of those flipping Mary Kay 'free makeover and buy $$$ of our stuff ' things. My apology to MK gals everywhere but those aren't exactly once in a blue moon events. Plus, it was being held across the street at the restaurant. For an hour. An hour that she could have had someone stay w/her FATHER then come back and be a good daughter. But no. I pass on a really nice invitation. For that. By the time I found out what it was.. it was too late to call my friend and 'reinvite' myself. Gah!

So I feel stuck and aggravated that I need some freaking HELP here. And I understand.... NO ONE wants to stay with DH because he is so mean lately. But I need a BREAK. More often than a couple of times a YEAR if he's going to continue to sink into this constant pit of outwardly directed anger.

Either that, or I'm going to need a lot more paint. And a raincoat.

Thanks for reading. My Grandmother used to say 'if you can't say something nice, just keep quiet.' Well, she's dead now. So there. Sorry Granny.

Bella

176.0 lb Lost so far: 109.0 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.