Debbie Cousins's Journal, 02 May 2019

Lots has been going on with me – none of it good. My eating has been totally out of control. I’ve also been sleeping A LOT. I sleep, then get up and eat (nothing I’m SUPPOSED to be eating), and then go back to bed, then repeat. Today, I’ve had SIX chicken salad sandwiches on King’s Hawaiian Sweet Rolls, TWO BBQ’s with coleslaw on Martin’s Potato Rolls, THREE “Chicken Biscuits” (which are brown & serve rolls hollowed out, then the bread fried in butter and filled with the buttery crumbs mixed with cream of chicken soup and stuffed back into the shells and baked. I also just had TWO individual cups of ice cream with chocolate chips, pecans & coconut mixed in. Oh, and I had either potato chips or Cheetos with each serving of sandwiches. NOT my finest moments! I’ve been eating like this for the past several days.

There’s a lot of stress in my life right now. On Tuesday, I had to get the house ready and do all the cooking for a birthday party of 16 people.

On Thursday, I found out that we owe over $4 THOUSAND DOLLARS in Federal Income taxes (we’ve never owed over a couple HUNDRED before, AND that we have to start paying quarterly taxes, the first of which - $1,000 - is already due! It really knocked the wind out of me. My husband is the Pastor of a very small church and, though we get to live in the church parsonage for free and don’t have to pay for electricity, his actual salary is only $18,600 a year!

On that same day, I found out that my best friend, who has been in a mental hospital 16 hours away for over a MONTH is going to have to stay there indefinitely. I really MISS her, though at least we get to talk on the phone once a day now – for several weeks, we couldn’t even do that. I’m very angry because her father is controlling her life and her parents treat her like a child, even though she is 32 years old. It looks like she will miss my birthday in June and like I’ll miss hers in July. With the financial strain, there is no way I can afford to go to Florida to visit her.

I STARTED going astray before either of these things happened, though. I had decided at the end of last week that I was going to go back to full-on Keto starting Monday. First thing I did when I woke up was to eat a navel orange, and then another one. So much for THAT idea.

I don’t want to be this person – this out of control, “so what if I’m gaining,” BAD EXAMPLE of a person! I LOVED getting on the scale every morning and seeing it go down. I LOVED being a good example that could feel confident in leading my challenge participants to success. Now, I feel like an utter failure. I know this is only temporary, but I don’t see an end in sight. I need divine intervention! I need God to give me the WANT TO before I can even attempt getting back on track. This is the worst I’ve been since I came back in January.

Just typing about it makes me want to go back to bed, which I will do. Sigh. At least when I’m asleep, I’m not EATING! What I SHOULD do is go on an extended fast (like 3 days) to get control of my eating again. But, as of this point, I just don't have the motivation to even start it, much less stick to it. Oh well. I guess things will turn around eventually.

I still care about everyone, and am still trying very hard to keep up with all my Notifications and "Supporting" people's weigh-ins and Journal entries.