comebackkid's Journal

So, I'm reading my WW magazine today, trying to get some motivation and good vibes and I come across this ad (of all things) for containers for lunches/suppers. For those people who take a meal with them to work, school, out somewhere.

I almost pee'd myself a little bit.

Like how completely amazing are these containers? If I had a dollar for every time I was let down by my plastic containers I could pay for some WW meetings for a whole year.

OF course I went out and bough some today after work. I'm so excited to take them to school with me tomorrow.

I'm looking for words of support today.

Cuz I am really needing them. I'm going to be faking it till I make it today.

I decided this morning that I am going to get back on track and ride my bike to work (to and from) and keep track of the points. I want to be successful but to be honest I am not feeling it today.

I am feeling the anticipation of going back to school (yah!!) and not having to work throughout the week (yah!!!) but I am also feeling the anticipation of taking my super cape off. I admit it... I like to be a "super employee" and now because I hate working so much (although I do give 100%) I am going to have to give up the feeling of elation that I get from being really good at my job 40+ a week, my boss seeing that, to showing up and doing the bare minimum on 20 hours a weekend. Because nothing really happens on the weekend after the Asian markets close. I will basically be doing paperwork.

I am also feeling over whelmed about getting the house in order so i will be able to be successful at school. Getting my text books together, school supplies, desk cleaned off, some frozen WW friendly meals in the freezer in zip lock bags ready to be thrown into the Crockpot.

So, I am going to move forward with my pretend hat on. Count my points, mark them down (I have such a problem with this) and pack my lunch bag for work and try to get through the next couple of hours until I can come home, crawl into bed and try again tomorrow to do the same thing.

I think the stress will subside once Tuesday is here and I get through a day of school and it hits me that I can give back to myself and feel good about it.

School starts in three days and I am really excited about going back. Mostly to get away from work and to get back to the gym. Because the gym is RIGHT there, it's like there's not enough time to head back home between classes and just the right amount of time to hit the gym before my next class. And did I mention I won't be at work? Oh how I will be loving NOT working during the week.

I had a REALLY bad day at work today and when I say that I want you to understand that I had to TELL a customer to leave or I would call the cops (after he threw a wad of cash in my face and told me I was a f**king bitch). I work in the investment industry, so you can only imagine what could have happened to have the situation escalate to that degree. It seems that since both the USD and the CAD dollar has changed so dramatically my work has become almost unbearable as people are slowly/quickly losing almost everything they've invested and I have to take the brunt of the fall out. I am verbally abused on a daily basis. Because apparently I am to blame for the economic state of affairs and the crappy market.

All I could think last Tuesday was how the DOW dropping 127 points was going to affect my day on Wednesday. I dreaded going back to work. *le sigh*

So, after work today I went out bought some clothes for school, bought some pizza hut for dinner and came home and ate 5 pieces. Which I think totals 65 points. Can anyone back me up on this one? It was a vegetarian pan pizza. So, how much exercise do i have to do to work THAT off? Cuz, I think to change my mood I am going to have to work up one big sweat.

Oh, I had something weird happen to me in the dressing room. I sat down on the chair to take off my shoes and pull off my pants and put on another pair and noticed in the mirror that my rolls of excess weight bunched up under my breasts and I couldn't feel that it was happening. Like I couldn't FEEL the skin bunching together. I almost started to cry... because I realized in THAT very moment that I have been living with my weight for SO LONG that I am used to it now. It's normal.

I don't like that.

I don't like that at all.

And tonight after I ate that pizza I suddenly became aware of my double chin... my chubby arms and how completely unsatisfying eating that pizza hut was. It made me feel sick to my stomach.

I think today was just enough "ah ha's" to get me going again.

Okay, my pity party isn't over. I went out last night for a girlfriends stagette party and we went to one of the "hawt" bars in town.

First, is took me 2 hours to find something to wear. Thats' if you don't count the two days I thought about what to wear before the party even happened. Not that it takes two days to decided on an over sized shirt, and comfy pants. Yah, so I finally decided on a t-shirt and yoga pants with my running shoes. I was frustrated if you couldn't tell.

Then we go out and this bar... gawd it's been sooooooo long since i've been in a BAR. First, the door guy wouldn't let me in because I didn't look old enough (thanks gawd for my youth and beauty) and I didn't bring my ID cuz i didn't know we'd be going out too somewhere were we'd need it AND I've been old enough to get into bars for sometime now. he he he

But the thing that really stuck with me is how overweight I REALLY am. I know it's unkind to even think about comparing me to that petri dish that is called a THAT bar, but there were people there who were my age. And they looked great, in their tiny pants, high heeled shoes, silk dress shirts and there I was in my yoga pants and running shoes. (at least I was pimp'in for all those active people out there lol)

I could have taken some time to find something cute to wear, I did JUST buy a couple of outfits that are cute. Oh right I still need to lose some weight to wear them.

And then it hit me. I don't have any friends who are over weight. And then I looked around the bar and realized that there wasn't one single person in that bar who was 2 pounds over weight... if anything I saw more people who were under weight and several people who were anorexic. I suddenly felt REALLY out of place. So, I sat down and bummed a smoke off someone (I quit smoking in March) and thought about what I was REALLY doing here and what it REALLY ment. (GAWD! I always have to look on my inside to make sure I am thinking straight - how do I feel, why do I feel, what am I feeling - am I the ONLY one who does that? Self validation) And why DID I HAVE THIS CIGARETTE IN MY MOUTH?

So... I came to a conclusion. I compare my body with other peoples bodies. How I don't match up to what is considered acceptable. Thanks for all your help Cosmo. I feel so over whelmed by what I see around me and realize that I have such a long journey ahead that I give up somewhere between actually making a REAL change in my life to making a REAL attempt for myself because I know I can do it.

I know I said 50 pounds in five months and I am still dedicated to doing that, I just need some time to figure out how I am going to get there. I need to figure out what i am going to tell myself everyday so I can have personal success. I need to change my way of thinking and get to healthy thinking and if it comes down to it - I'll fake it till I make it.

So... my pity party is over. I'm feeling better, had a little cry the other day and got "it out." I have been thinking about all of the reasons why I want to lose the weight, what my motivation is (remember those t-shirts on The Biggest Loser?) and tried to visualize myself being thin and healthy. And how although getting a ring worm sounds like a really quick fix it's not the best plan of action.

I had a nice reality check the other night when a girlfriend came into town and four of us went out shopping at Walmart (not an endorsement). I forgot that Walmart carried Plus sized clothing and nearly had a coronary when i saw a bunch of cute outfits that I could totally wear to school (gawd, that's so grade 5). Anyway... I grabbed a bunch of stuff that I thought was cute and headed for the check out. One of my friends said "Aren't you going to try that stuff on before you buy it?" To which I replied, "No, it will fit. I know it will by the cut of the fabric."

While standing in line I thought that I had better grab a couple more of the same shirt in the same colour, so I went back. One of my girlfriends came with me and asked which coloured tag I needed. Not which size but the coloured tag. She looked slightly down like she didn't want me to say the ACTUAL SIZE.

I know she was trying to spare my feelings and I know she didn't want me to feel bad about announcing that it WAS A SIZE 3X THAT I WOULD NEED IN THAT SHIRT THANK YOU FOR ASKING SKINNY FRIEND. So, I can't spite her for being kind but the situation really stuck with me.

I thought about all of the other times I go shopping and try on clothes and how horrible I feel afterward. How defeated I feel when I only come out of the store with one t-shirt because THAT t-shirt doesn't show my rolls of fat or it not too tightly hugging my back fat. Don't even get me started on length, we are all aware of how tall I am.

And I thought about the stores I can ONLY shop in because they carry my sizes. And that when I go shopping I can't go with anyone who is smaller than me because letting them see you try on clothes is like letting them look over your shoulder when you step on the scale.

And you know what the ironic thing about this story is...? The 3X isn't even REALLY a real 3X it's like an XL 1/2. It's that weird sizing; when I got the clothes home and tried them on they were smaller than t-shirts I have here. So, I am going to have to lose weight to fit into them. So, I was embarrassed about clothes that don't even fit me. LOL