Register
|
Sign In
Search in:
Foods
Recipes
Meals
Exercises
Members
My FatSecret
Foods
Recipes
Challenges
Fitness
Community
Community
Members
ChocolateBunny
Journal
ChocolateBunny's Journal
ChocolateBunny's Profile
|
Send a Message
|
Weight History
showing entries 11 to 15 of 36
Page:
Prev
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
...
Next
24 October 2009
All things considered, for falling completely and totally off the wagon for as long as I did, coming back with a five pound gain really isn't that bad. I by no means am trying to justify the madness, but I think I need to put things in perspective.
I have these things called "shadow numbers" and "romance numbers". A shadow number is a rather high number on the scale that's usually the result of eating a ton of food, or retaining water, or any number of issues. Chances are, it isn't your actual weight and the extra pounds is due to some other extenuating factor.
A romance number is when you hop on the scale perhaps after a day of fasting, or doing something strenuous where you burned more calories than your normally would. The number is low, it feels good, but you know the minute you put clothes on, or eat breakfast, your "true weight" is going to show itself.
I decided to share this in this entry, because in these months of neglecting myself physically and nutritionally, I've had my fair share of ups and downs, my fair share of shadow and romance moments with my scale. Earlier this week I stepped on the scale before I went to bed, and after a particularly sickening binge session that involved brownies and m&ms, and it told me I was 278.5. I suppose it was enough to scare me, because the next day, I fasted, and the day after that (today) I went grocery shopping, bought all healthy things, and I cleaned my fridge and cupboards out of all unhealthy things I had accumulated through these months, and officially recommitted myself to this journey of weight loss and self discovery.
I use the term self discovery because as most fat people know, sometimes it seriously feels like you're trapped inside of a body that doesn't actually belong to you. This body prevents you from doing the things that you know, that if you had a little bit more energy, you may just be extremely good at. For some people it's running around at the park with their kids without huffing and puffing. For others, it's being able to walk into a room and pause a few conversations. For me, it's finally having the ability to display this incredible fashion sense I have lurking inside of me, that is constantly satiated with discount fashions from " big girl " stores.
Okay, maybe I'm being superficial and humorous to deflect from what's really going on. But can't I just have a second to shake off the shame? True, I am doing this because I want to be more (more because I don't consider myself to be a plain person) stylish, but it's mostly because I believe that without the weight, and with the confidence that being healthier will bring, I will finally be able to see my dreams come into fruition. I have so many thoughts, and plans, and so many things that I want to do. Not to say that I CAN'T do them because I'm overweight, but I just have a feeling that I would enjoy them so much more if I was wearing a size eight in jeans.
I've come to many realizations lately about my weight, and my eating habits. I can finally admit that being overweight is not a product of being ignorant about making healthy choices, or being one of those people who grew up in a family that was centered around food. Or being in a relationship with an enabler (read: fat boyfriend). My eating habits have little to do with a love of food, or the way it tastes, or it being how I connect with my family. I straight up, in all honesty, am mentally sick, and that sickness manifests itself in binge eating.
I have been so out of alignment with God, with my spirit, with the positive energy supplied by the universe that is constantly encircling us as human beings, and unfortunately, the only way I can deal with the stress, anxiety, depression of this fact is to eat all kinds of cookies and cakes ( shoutouts to my sissy).
My eating hasn't been bad because I don't know how to eat properly to lose weight, or because I have been invited to too many dinners, and went on too many dates, and had too many study nights with pizza ordering. All of it has been greedy and hoarding, in the comfort of my own home or most especially in my car. I have been eating to cope, eating for that comfortably numb and thoughtless state I get in when I start. I have been eating because like my good friend Ryan once said, "Look, it's either I cry, or I eat. And I don't feel like crying."
So, like a snowball effect, my depression has been making me binge eat, and my binge eating has been making me depressed. It's was all fine honestly, because so long as I stayed below 275, I felt like no amount of self destructive behavior could take that accomplishment from me. But to see 278.5 on the scale, after all that I've done, after all I have gone through. I could not do it.
So I'm here, again, for the third ( or is it fourth? who's keeping track.) time. Making promises I don't know if I can keep, but at the same time clinging to the hope that I can do this. Once and for all.
Weigh-in:
274.5 lb
lost so far:
36.5 lb
still to go:
114.5 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
add comment
gaining 0.6 lb a week
18 August 2009
Weigh-in:
269.0 lb
lost so far:
42.0 lb
still to go:
109.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
add comment
losing 1.2 lb a week
09 August 2009
Weigh-in:
270.5 lb
lost so far:
40.5 lb
still to go:
110.5 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
add comment
losing 3.5 lb a week
08 August 2009
I'm finally getting back on the wagon, but I knew it wouldn't be immediate. I decided to start by getting my eating under control, which I've been doing, but I'm starting to realize that in order to eat right, I have to sleep right. It's the summer, so I have no classes, so I'm so prone to staying up until 4am and waking up at 1pm. That's all fine and dandy, but if I tell myself that my last meal is around 8pm, what am I gonna do for all those hours? You're right, BINGE. Plus, there's something about eating at night that just makes me lose control. During the day I'm so good, and I watch everything that goes through my mouth. But once it's after midnight, it's like a free for all. So, I've decided to nip that in the bud by getting back on a kind of strict sleeping schedule. I want to be IN BED by ten, and sleeping before midnight, and I plan to wake up around 9am. Well, my ultimate goal is 8am. Today I woke up at 10. Though, I couldn't go to sleep last night. I didn't end up closing my eyes til around three, but I forced myself to not sleep until noon.
I realize I'm much more productive when I wake up early in the morning, plus my eating is good cause I can eat my regular meals at the times that I'm supposed to. Plus, it'll be easier to go to sleep without stuffing my face cause I won't be starving by the time I lay down.
Anyhoo, how is everyone else doing? Hope you guys are having a good weekend.
Weigh-in:
271.0 lb
lost so far:
40.0 lb
still to go:
111.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
(2 comments)
losing 5.3 lb a week
06 August 2009
Yesterday was pretty rocky as far as food went, I did some binging towards the end of the day, however I also made sure I worked out. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things. I feel really rejuvenated as far as my life is concerned. I think I forgot why I was doing this, and I remember now. I want to be healthy, and happy. I want to feel and look good. I don't want to feel tied down or held back because of my weight anymore.
Anyhoo, besides all of that. I never realized how great of a snack frosted mini wheats were. For some reason I figured they were off limits but they're very good for you. Taste great, aren't that many calories, etc. Definitely adding them to my usual shopping list.
I have a cousin who's pregnant and gets WIC. Only problem is whenever her WIC food coupons/vouchers are about to expire, she rushes out and buys stuff so that it doesn't go to waste. Only problem is, she ends up with like five gallons of milk, 7 boxes of cereal, a ton of cheese, etc. So she gives some of it to me. I don't know quite how to tell her I don't wanna keep that kind of food in my fridge. Cause I also have an issue with throwing food out, or letting it go to waste. So this week I'm drinking whole milk instead of my usual soy milk, and I mean it taste good so it's whatever. But at the same time I wish it wasn't here so I didn't have to drink it.
Now that I wrote all of that out it seems a bit ridiculous, LOL.
Weigh-in:
272.5 lb
lost so far:
38.5 lb
still to go:
112.5 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
(2 comments)
losing 5.3 lb a week
Other Related Links
Members
Members
Forums
ChocolateBunny's weight history
view complete history