8hunter6's Journal, 16 November 2016

Ok here's what's been going on.
I didn't want to do this anymore. I got tired of weighing my food... not having this or not having that... tired of making cookies for my family and only being able to smell them... tired of it all.... the loose skin was freaking me out, I have my grandma's chin waddle now.... started making me wonder if losing weight wpuld be worth looking like melted silly putty (obviously I let myself think this to justify eating cake).....

I was down to 198.8..... I got back up to 215 if I'm going to be honest here..... how stupid eh? do all that work only to shove my face full of baked good pretending I "deserve" a treat... lol treat.... you know something you should only have once in a while.... not every damn day like an idiot.

anyhoo... once I woke up out of a sugar trance I figured I should atleast maintain my weight if not lose... started working out more... started liking it. have actually been using my fitness tracker (a misfit if anyone wants to know)....
for the most part I've been reaching my goals.. if not it's because it can't track doing weights....

then I started not eating as much but still stupid things.....

yesterday I came here... I logged my food... today I've logged my food.... and I'll be posting my new weight... I went down from 215 to 209.2...

I feel stupid. but I also feel absolutely disgusted with myself... if I feel this bad gaining a little back... I can't imagine how horrible I'd feel if I gained it all back... so... I am not making promises ... because I can't handle any more shame... but I'm here....

unfortunately part of the reason I wasn't on here was the past drama... I'm not interested in fights, never was..... so I won't be reading any political crap either..

I'm tired of feeling sh!!!y.. emotionally, about my surroundings, about my jiggling, my skin, my everything....

I felt good before... sure I had cramping but I know what to do now.... I want to look in the mirror again and know I'm doing the best I can... not avoid looking in my own eyes because I was lying to myself.

so..... good news...... I can go one the elliptical for 45 mins without being out of breath..... I can use my exercise bike for 30 mins before the seat hurts my ass..... I can bike on my normal bike with my son for tops 1.5 hours before a poopy diaper required that I go home lol....
weights... well... only little 5-10 pounds but it's something....
weight machine I can put it on the 3rd one but I have no idea what that equals out to.
I still enjoy yoga and did a head stand for the first time in my life and held it for 20 seconds.
I don't seem to need much help with things anymore....

my back still hurts and I was taking 1 pain pill a day but I'm kicking them out, and alcohol, and smoking and vaping.... I'm on day 3 of that... it's been hard but I could feel my addictive personality dragging me back.... so I won't have any of it ..... works out cause husband dropped and broke my 130 dollar vape, I took it as a sign lol

so here I go again... hope I don't wimp out again like a whiney little baby and cry over god damned cookies....

don't wish me luck.... wish me determination.. or nothing at all.... I feel like I failed many of you and don't deserve the support... and that's ok because I need to do this for myself, not for anyone else.

hugs to all regardless.... I've missed many of you and have thought of you...

- Hunter

209.2 lb Lost so far: 66.6 lb.    Still to go: 9.2 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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1119 kcal

Fat: 79.62g | Prot: 51.49g | Carb: 47.78g.   Breakfast: Rotini, Sargento Mozzarella Cheese Stick, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Land O'Lakes Heavy Whipping Cream. Dinner: Heinz Tomato Ketchup, Great Value Fancy Colby & Monterey Jack Cheese Shredded, Kerrygold Pure Irish Butter, Egg. Snacks/Other: Harris Teeter Lightly Salted Mixed Nuts, International Delight Sugar Free French Vanilla Coffee Creamer, Harris Teeter Blueberries, Breyers CarbSmart Chocolate Ice Cream. more...

2836 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Bike Machine (Cycling) - 30 minutes, Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 38 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 52 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...