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Blah.
Moving on.
Grateful I have insight into my own crappy behavior when it is crappy. I refused offers of pizza from new management yesterday, saying I had lost 45 lb since May by not eating sugar or wheat. Then, after my 18 hour shift, I stuffed my face with stupid donuts that had been sitting in the breakroom all day. I had powdered sugar all over my top, my face, my arm. Night aide came in and I was totally busted. Busted.
The director is having a hard time with her eating, I can tell. She is either eating Twizzlers, chips, and donuts all day, or eating these horrible looking green smoothies (so thick, she has to use a spoon).
I freaking KNOW that even when you have professional success, you still feel powerless in the face of food when you are overeating, and I was being horrible and saying I had lost the weight while she was stuffing her face, so she would know I had the discipline in that one area, and she lacked it.
Horrible. Horrible.
What she did to me professionally was horrible yesterday. She completely undermined me and compromised my ability to schedule my workload effectively.
I could be helpful and supportive where weight is concerned, but I do feel this ugliness inside of myself that I am succeeding where she is failing, and it is one area where she can NOT control me.
So, after a horrible, exhausting 18 hour day, I and my ugly character defects binged on stale baked goods. I am no better than any other food junkie out there. Where overeating is concerned, we are on a level playing field.
Back at work today for the low stress job. Will be fasted, drinking tea all day.
God bless us all today.
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219.6 lb
Lost so far: 13.4 lb.
Still to go: 84.6 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 26 October 2016:
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1297 kcal
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Fat: 62.45g | Prot: 72.21g | Carb: 105.75g.
Lunch: Great Value Pineapple Chunks, Domino's Pizza Thin Crust Pepperoni Pizza (Medium), Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Wing, Annie's Homegrown Creamy Deluxe Shells & Real Aged Wisconsin Cheddar Sauce Macaroni & Cheese. Snacks/Other: Nature's Way Hops, Sundown Naturals Magnesium 500mg, Nature's Bounty Evening Primrose Oil, Now Foods P5P, Now Foods Zinc Picolinate, Spring Valley B6, Himalaya Ashwagandha. more...
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2512 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Driving - 1 minute, Resting - 23 hours and 59 minutes. more...
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steady weight
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1 to 20 of 26
 Comments
I hope you have a better day today!!!!
26 Oct 16 by member: PGM012197
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The donuts never taste as good as they look.
26 Oct 16 by member: abbadabba
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Love the honesty - I hope you find full-time employment (if that is the goal) where you feel appreciated and not undermined. emotions and eating are difficult when put together.
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I so agree with HCB...it is a difficult balance...emotions food success failure...I, too, have indulged in crappy stale food and shoveled it it in, instead of enjoying something scrumptious....something just takes over sometimes. HAVE A BETTER DAY! The ugliness will go away...You are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON!
26 Oct 16 by member: iulani
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lulani is SO right, you ARE a BEAUTIFUL PERSON! Today will be better! I know how that powerlessness feels, like I'm sure most of us here do...we are here for you always :> And the honesty means a lot-you know we will never judge !
26 Oct 16 by member: XshapeshiftX
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Lady, emotional eating is something that I'm guessing most of us are very familiar with--and the yuck feelings that follow immediately after we eat whatever it is, although sugar seems to fill the bill the best. You've been struggling with that job for quite awhile now, I hope things get better and I'm glad you're going to the better job today. I wish you a hugely better day today. You've been a big inspiration to me and I know you'll beat this.
26 Oct 16 by member: PhillySue
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I know that pattern all too well...I hope that today goes better!
26 Oct 16 by member: 0alanna0
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Egad! I imagine we've all been there, done that. I hide my food from my family and friends. I refuse to eat bread in front of them, but grab the floury crap and eat it in secret. But, for me, is it really a secret?? I'm still fat and not losing, so I think the jig is up. Here's to a better day for all of us... Cheers!!
26 Oct 16 by member: dboza
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Its all or nothing for me. When I get on track and record every cal I lose otherwise Im eating out of control. I follow the RD recommended 150gr carbs,60gr protein,40 gr of fat for a healthy 1200 cal diet and I feel full enough to comfortably lose weight.
26 Oct 16 by member: Lakeontario
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You were seeking comfort after such a crappy day. We all need to figure out how to comfort ourselves with something other than food. We all suffer from emotional eating. I am so hoping that your new job will eventually be able to replace the stressful one. Hugs to you my buddy. BTW you are not an ugly person!
26 Oct 16 by member: rhontique
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Lady, big hug! Thanks for sharing this. We all see ourselves in this entry - or at least I do! Sugar triggers neurotransmitters and when we are stressed, we need- need! that comfort. It's physiological as well as psychological. Talk to your good doctor, maybe some gaba or 5htp would give you a lift. I've been taking them and they are helping me face life's stresses (and helping me sleep). You put a lot of expectations on yourself with all that work and the diet. Don't be hard on yourself, you are amazing and impressive! We all stumble. Take care; we're on your side here. <3
26 Oct 16 by member: erikahollister
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I don't know why workplaces bring out the very worst of human nature, alas, it's so. Unfortunately I can totally relate to using weight loss success as a weapon, I have bludgeoned many people I personally know repeatedly over the head and psyche with it, I enjoy flaunting that I'm no longer the fat friend, I'll probably go to Hell for that if I don't repent and stop.
26 Oct 16 by member: @philrmcknight
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I bet there's not a one of us on here who hasn't raided the baking cupboard and eaten all the chocolate chips out of the bag, or spooned up peanut butter out of the jar, rolled it in chocolate chips and scarfed it down - all in secret desperation to fill some unknown empty spot. And even when we know what that empty spot is, and our conscious self knows that it is something that food cannot fill, we persist. Even when we know that this kind of binge eating empties our souls and fills us with self loathing at our lack of self control, we persist. Few of us, however, are as publicly honest about this as you, Denim. Kudos for bringing the "Nasty Girl" out into the open. We can all sure identify. We've been there too. I'm thinking that, for me, some of that overeating happens when I feel like someone else is trying to control me. I retreat to home and my secret stash of goodies and continue that fruitless cycle of eating, loathing, being out of control, repeat. I join you in being a work in progress. We may not have all the answers - yet - but I think we are on the path - together.
26 Oct 16 by member: Shazzeryyc
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Hi Lady, yeah, I hear all of this and totally relate. You need to quit "punishing" yourself with these food binges. You are letting your "lizard brain" drive the bus and you are stronger than that. When you become aware that you are about to eat that stuff you need to pause and realize that this "voice from somewhere inside" is lizard brain and he is just doing what he does to survive. He learned that you eat these donuts to survive the bad day you had. But YOU are the one in control and you don't have to follow that path. It is really hard to learn this process, but this is how I broke out of my binge eating cycle. You stop, think, and talk back to lizard brain. "I am in charge lizard brain and I don't need to eat these donuts to survive this situation. You shut the HE** up." It will keep nagging at you. This is what it knows. But every time you say NO it will be a victory for you. You will form a new habit and lizard will not be so loud. Big hugs to you and hang in there, woman!
26 Oct 16 by member: ny_shelly
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Be fore putting anything into your mouth, question if the food item is deserving of blessing you with good, sound nutrition, and will the food item help with your longterm health? It's at this point that I will snap a photo of the food porn, drool all over my phone and walk the @#$@# away!
26 Oct 16 by member: HappyLady88
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Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know that others feel the same way..just like me. I am not alone in this, I'm not the only one fighting the binge monster. You are not the only one. Everyday is a new day:)
26 Oct 16 by member: ivismo
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"Where overeating is concerned, we are on a level playing field." Quote of the day! Well said. We are all on the same page dealing with the same issues regardless for how long weve been in the journey. Even our blue friends have their moments of WTH did i just eat. We just move on and refocus and make the beast health choices we can.
I know sometimes i want to leave here because it seems once i publicly celebrate a milestone or loss of weight, a food demon pops out of no where and i become some posesesed vessel with no control. I wonder if,after we address our orginal eating issues, over focus hurts us sometines.
26 Oct 16 by member: bdmgoggins
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we will always have to deal with food porn, we just have to get better at managing it. Right now I have a new dress for New Years Eve hanging up so I see it daily, as my goal. I have my entire outfit. Just can't get the dress to zip yet, so must keep going!!!
26 Oct 16 by member: HappyLady88
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Any one would feel the same after working 18 hours.
one of my colleagues at school admitted to being 3 stone heavier than me. I gloated inwardly. Then I could see that she needed help. We all do sometimes x
26 Oct 16 by member: Mrs Maths
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Hope you are having a better day . X
27 Oct 16 by member: Mrs Maths
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