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Hi FS,
Okay. I’ve got some house cleaning to do and some chastising to administer…to myself, of course. So, if you guys want to continue reading you can but know this little jurnal entry is from Me. To me about me. I went way over my calories today and really there’s no excuse for it. My therapy session was smooth and pleasant. We spent time getting to know each other better so no problems there that I can see. But when I got home from the supermarket and was putting up food, I fell into my old binging habits again. And really there was no reason I can see for it. So I need to write this out and figure this out so it doesn’t happen this way again….
"Okay, Missy what’s going on? Why did you totally go off your eating plan today? You started off great for Breakfast, lunch and your two in between meals. So what gives? I know it’s cycle time and that can be a bit trying, but this is the last day of P.M.S Tiredness time. Were you too hungry? Too tired? Angry or lonely? No? Then what? Do you need a reminder as to why you’re doing this in the first place? I think yes.
Do you remember in April when you had those two major Gurd attacks and you thought you were going to die? Do you remember the way your body flushed and heated up and how fast your heart was pumping. Do you remember being so scared that you cried in the hospital Trioge. Do you remember what that Tech said to you about your being fat, that nasty comment he made? Any of this ringing any bells?
How about the day you went to the Doctor and stepped on the scale and got the shock of your life when the scale went to THAT number…the one you said you’d never let yourself get to…Ever. Do you remember how you felt on the way home from that appointment?
Do you remember how you felt when you found out your brother had died? It was only just about one year ago. Do you remember how much that hurt because it was so unnecessary for him to die so soon. He was trying to get where you are so he could have the surgery done and all the gastric issues he had. I know you remember standing by helplessly as his daughters...his baby girls... had to decide what to do about life support for their father. Do you want them to have to make the same decision for you? Do you really want to put your family through that, again?
And I know you remember how it felt when you found out your Mama was gone. You thought she hadn’t cared enough to stick around after she found out she was diabetic and she just gave up and gave in. how she just left her little girl behind to finish raising herself. Is that what you’re doing? Giving up? Giving in? do you want to go out like that? do you want Diabetes and Compulsive overeating and uncontrolled emotions to take you out? I know you don’t have children, but you have Karen…Lisa…Christina and Nicole…te’anna…Zach, Matt and Frankie. Do you know what it would do to them if you check out early? Just because you can’t get this binging out of your system? Really?
Is it really that bad here? aren’t things going allot better for you these days? Aren’t there a few things you still want to do here on this planet? So what’s it gonna be? What’s tomorrow gonna look like? Are we gonna do this again?"
Okay. I think that did it. Gotta go plan my meals for tomorrow, and do some extra working out for today. There are still some things I want to do on this planet. And I don’t want my family to go through the things we been through with my mother, brother and even other relatives. This is hard, but I’ve got to do it. So, I’ll start again and I’ll forgive myself for the mess up of today. I’ll get back to my selfcare practices and all this. I slipped…again. Can’t figure out why though. I think I was angry today. I know I was tired from this time of the month so that could have had something to do withit. I know I was bummed about the 2.9 pound weight gain. Even though I know it’s water weight, it still pissed me off. I gotta stop thinking that I can do this perfectly. That I’m just going to keep loosing weight every week and never have times when I gain Cause we all know that’s not true. I’ll probably have a few times that I gain before this whole thing is over and some plateau weeks too. I also know I’m a little frustrated about being alone right now. The holidays are coming up and it’s always a lonely time for me. Now, I’ll have food issues to deal with too. I still think there’s something to that whole SAD thing..Seasonal Affective Disorder. Even though I can’t see, I still get moody and sad during the winter cause I definitely can feel the cold. And ugg, the feeling of being cooped up during all the snow. I hate snow. Not sure how things will be in this new place either. And dealing with my apartment complex and trash removal. Not being able to just go out when I please and it’s all cause I hate the cold and snow and just don’t want to be in it. Now, walking in the mornings isn’t as fun as it used to be because it’s cold out and I’m freezing so I’ll need to find an alternative for that. Ugh!
Okay. I’ve got thinking to do and I’ve got to make some solutions for some of these issues I’m gonna have. Right, "and this, too, shall pass.”
Good night all. Peace and Blessings to you…and me.
Diet Calendar Entries for 28 September 2016:
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1549 kcal
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Fat: 55.16g | Prot: 111.72g | Carb: 156.10g.
Breakfast: Egg White and turkey bacon breakfast sandwich. Lunch: Grapes, Pinto Beans, Organic Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs. Dinner: Sparkling Blackberry (Can), Deli Chicken, Reduced Fat Swiss Cheese, Lightly Salted Wavy Potato Chips. Snacks/Other: Water, 800 Chocolate Bar, 800 Strawberry Shake. more...
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5480 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Weight Training (moderate) - 1 hour and 10 minutes, Cooking - 30 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 20 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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