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What's it gonna take for transformation to occur? Hell, even a miniscule change to occur--and stick for longer than a day?!!!
I'm already paying a heavy price by losing out on my full vitality, freedom, self-expression, complete and utter confidence, feeling of sexiness..a chance to find love, romance, true happiness, marriage, kids...also missing out on my yourthful days and aspiring to finally live when I get to that never-reaching point--and I'd have lost a couple of decades by then!! I am so focused on daily solving this problem of diet and fitness and figuring out why I sabotage, and how to find a new trick that will stick--I'm so wrapped up in this daily battle that I am just drifting through the rest of my life in a semi-daze, not fully open and appreciative of all the wonders and beauty around me!
What's it going to take?! When am I going to take charge? What is the point of having 8 higher educational degrees and yet not having any discipline or smarts to nail down this one little thing?!
I am truly tired. Tired of my inner rebel that keeps foiling my best plans. Tired of my inner scared or lazy person. Tired of trying a gaziliion things but never quite believing in myself or believing in my success! What ridiculousness is this?! What utter stupidity!!
My diet/fitness pursuit have become a series of self-fulfilling prophecies of the dark kind! Each day I resolve, make new plans, try new things..make a little progress..and then a little voice in me gets me to foil something...and then one bad thing leads to me choosign to make the damage even worse! And all of that only serves to underscore my underlying belief that "I suck. I can't change. I'll screw it up no matter what"!
Like today, I woke up having lost a pound, although missed my gym in the morning, had coffee, had a relatively decent lunch choice at a cafe (salad with cranberries and walnuts, with dressng on side, and goat cheese croutons...and a small cup of root veg soup). By 5 pm I was getting hungry so I ate the lentil soup I'd brought to work, and was feeling rather full! And yet that inner urge for "something bad" continued...I decided to skip dinner as I was full, and also skip yoga or walking as I was mentally tired and sleepy..so I settled in to watch a movie, but out of nowhere, a voice creeped up and said, "order pizza"!, and have some wine! So I did. No ifs, ands, or buts.
And now I feel terrible and mad at myself. So what's new?!
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