flaxseed's Journal, 19 January 2010

This has been a bad bad, bad week in every sense. I haven't recorded what I have been eating - the majority of it has been bad. OH has been for his colonoscopy and the news was not good. He has another tumour in his small intestine and most probably some in his liver. We have to wait for the results of the biopsies to see what kind it is. I'm just so scared - too scared to even shed any tears. The future looks very bleak and I know I must not show how I feel but keeping it all in is playing havoc with my eating and seeing the scale go up makes me feel even worse. I'm feeling as though I must have been a wicked person for this to land in my lap - stupid I know. I have to get back on track otherwise it will all have been for nothing.

On a brighter note, I had a facebook message from my cousin to say that she moved to Clearwater Florida just before Christmas and had seen the photographs on facebook of my daughters wedding. Her 1st comment was that I'd lost an awful lot of weight. I must keep that at the front of my mind.

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Comments 
Very sorry to heat about the bad news from the colonscopy. Best of luck with the biopsies! Isn't it awesome to get comments like that about losing weight?  
19 Jan 10 by member: nettyp622
It isn't the best news......please try and keep positive thoughts....and I will keep you and your OH in my prayers....it'll work out....hugggies....>Deb 
19 Jan 10 by member: drd3775
((((((flaxseed)))))) Thinking positive thoughts and sending prayers for you and OH! By all means hold that compliment close and let it keep you in control. Be good to yourself! 
19 Jan 10 by member: amryk
I'm very sorry to hear of OH's problems and really hope you don't think it's because of anything you may have done wrong because it just isn't. Believe me flaxseed, we ALL go through similar problems sooner or later. I believe you are absolutely right in focusing on your weight, your physical strength, and your overall heath as an effective means to keep yourself in balance through this difficult period. Hang in there and please try not to be be afraid!    
20 Jan 10 by member: information
My heart is with you. Hang in there ... don't give up on yourself or waste a moment's time thinking you've done something wrong. None of us gets out of this life alive. Whether we become "ill" or not ... it is just reality. Do you have someone you can "let down" with and express how frightened, angry, and overwhelmed you are other than OH? I know I often "hold on", trying to be "strong" and struggle with letting my guard down but it has always been helpful when I have done it with a trusted safe person. My thoughts, prayers, and gosh ... my love is with you.  
20 Jan 10 by member: madaboutmoose
I don't have anyone I can 'let down' with up here. I have lots of people that I can talk to on the phone but OH can hear what I'm saying. Info, I don't REALLY believe this is because I've been a bad girl but it seems that everytime thing are going right somethingelse comes and knocks me down again. I step forward and 2 back. Mostly I'm scared that I won't be able to manage financially if anything happens to him. There is lots of help but I can't get it because I own the house that my FIL lives in and it is considered an asset, even though he doesn't pay rent and has a lifetime interest in it.  
20 Jan 10 by member: flaxseed
any small things you can do for yourself will make you feel stronger no matter what the news is. I really don't like the one foot forward 2 backwards feeling. Feeling helpless is worst of all. be good to you.  
20 Jan 10 by member: sharonfriz
These things that you fear and worry about are common to us all, universal and unavoidable problems we all must face. Nothing is ever as bad nor as good as it initially seems. My own mother was given a few months to live by some of the world's best doctors, and she lived an addtional ten years after that. We just never know and as we get older it often helps to just hope/wish for the best. Hold your head up high flaxseed, you are a great lady. 
20 Jan 10 by member: information
Best wishes to you and OH. None of us are perfect so don't believe you're the cause of OH's problems. All of us have skeletons in our closets a counselor once told me. Even the most holy, religious people often have very difficult lives, especially at the end. Take one day at a time and the future will fall into place the way it was meant to be...  
20 Jan 10 by member: GlennM
Okay then Flaxseed ... OH cannot hear what you are saying while you type can he?? So, I am going to gently suggest you journal more ... or send one of us messages through personal message system here if you prefer and "let your hair down." Me? I can hear almost anything and not judge you ... as I think you already know. You have many other wonderful buddies here that are exceptionally good at "listening." You need an outlet right now. And Info is so right ... these are the universal and unavoidable problems we all must face. Sure isn't fun though, I know. Financial worries are tough ... somehow, someway you will be okay ... take care my friend ... though I am geographically far away I am very close to you in spirit!! 
20 Jan 10 by member: madaboutmoose
Journaling is good! Please express yourself as much as you need to! I hope that things go well and that everything is much less serious than anyone thinks! Good thoughts and lots of hugs for you dear lady! You have done nothing to deserve this by any means so please do try to be kind to yourself and know that you have done nothing wrong. 
21 Jan 10 by member: dawn0001

     
 

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