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There is someone in my life that, tho i dont know very well, I willingly took on the task of fighting very hard to find an addiction rehabilitation placement. This person had been homeless for over 12 years. 5 years ago i did the same for this persons son who successfully went on to become a contributing giving member of society. The son we helped go to college and except for here and there has flown in his sobriety. I dont know why i thought the mom would be the same but she’s been challenging. I put a ton of work into trying to help the mom and she is coming up on 2 years sober very soon. That being said, she wont get a job and i find myself mentally exhausted and annoyed anymore when asked to help her with anything. Every communication always has some innuendo or outright ask for something that costs $$$ or time. Most recently, she needed all her teeth removed (due to life on the streets and drugs). Painful right? Scary also. And i was mad that i was her transport to both the consult and the surgery and the bank for part of the medications and procedure. Im mad at myself that i cant be kinder. Tho she has no idea how i felt (im very kind in person) its the internal upset i feel. I want to be done helping. I want to be a better person and feel generous when asked. I want to WANT to be that giving generous person. What does that make me? No need to respond i think i just needed to vent. My life is so good i feel its my duty to give back and yet, in this instance, i just want to put in my notice and quit (and no, im retired, this is not an actual job). To make matters worse she is distant family. Swayneman made a comment that i was a pot of gold and i feel like such a hypocrite. I need to be better. Im trying.
Diet Calendar Entry for 11 October 2023:
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1393 kcal
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Fat: 51.76g | Prot: 102.98g | Carb: 164.62g.
Breakfast: Orgain protein powder, Baking powder, Swans Down Cake Flour, Chocolate Chips, Maple Grove Farms Pure Maple Syrup, Bananas, Vanilla Extract, Salt, Egg, Orgain protein powder, Baking powder, Swans Down Cake Flour, Chocolate Chips, Maple Grove Farms Pure Maple Syrup, Bananas, Vanilla Extract, Salt, Egg. Lunch: Tillamook Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Franz Keto Hamburger Bun, Bland Farms Vidalia Sweet Onion, Tomatoes, Kind Fruit & Nut Delight Mini, Think Keto Protein Bar Chocolate Mousse Pie. Dinner: Impossible Foods Impossible Burger, Signature Select Frozen Strawberries & Bananas, Body Fortress High Protein Chocolate Shake. Snacks/Other: Planet Oat Oatmilk. more...
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1 to 20 of 30
 Comments
People are complex. She is, you are. It's okay to say no or not now.
12 Oct 23 by member: erikahollister
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going to alanon helped teach me where boundaries should be when dealing with my addict family member.
12 Oct 23 by member: Kay621
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Oh geez I totally empathize. I’ve been in the same situation when I feel like I’m being taken advantage of (which sadly I think this person is doing to you). But I get the feeling also that I want to rise above it and be genuinely altruistic without resentment. It’s really a no win situation.
12 Oct 23 by member: cjgriffith1
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It sounds like she’s using you. It’s okay to start saying no. I know that will be uncomfortable at first, but it’s really important you start putting boundaries in place or she’ll never stop.
12 Oct 23 by member: KittyPurrs
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You are most certainly a pot of gold, and this story confirms it. You helped the son get on track and go to college. Now, you're doing everything in your power to help the mom. The difficult part about helping adults is that if they don't want to help themselves, and/or in denial of whatever they're going through, it's only so much that you can do. Just don't let her take advantage of you. Once you reach that breaking point, it's perfectly fine to start pulling back. Please don't feel bad because what you've done already is pretty remarkable!
12 Oct 23 by member: Swayneman
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Erika ive said no and i just feel so crummy after. I have so much. She has so little. I was homeless at 15 and managed to keep myself in school (tho the state found out when i was 17 and put me in foster care. I dont recommend that). I managed to put myself thru college and stay away from drugs and alchohol. But im very aware that her life could easily have been mine. That’s the guilt i feel. What kept me on the straight and narrow and why wasn’t she strong enough. Why cant i give back willingly without feeling like im being held up like a back robber. That’s the deal.
12 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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Kay621 i went to one Alanon meeting and it wasn’t for me. I know is very helpful for many others tho. Thank you.
12 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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12 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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Kitty, there’s no doubt about that. I know it. But i understand and want to be kinder. I gave her a necklace yesterday before her procedure that said “you are loved”. No one does those kind of things for her and she was quite emotional. That’s why i wonder why cant i be better..
12 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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Swayne, you are just a sweet man. I could do more. I dont want to. I want her to grab the reins and be responsible for her own life. I became 100% financially responsible for my mother when i was 35. It was a huge burden. I dont want this to be her sons burden. And yet i wont let her live with us. Thank you for your so kind words. It was the pot of gold comment you made that made me think i need to do better to deserve such a statement.🥰🥰🥰
12 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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If you haven't already read it, invest in "Boundaries - When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life." I struggle to apply the principles when it comes to my own children, but I've learned to at least enforce them with the rest of the world. It's not selfish to day NO, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Sometimes, enabling hurts a person more than helping them.
13 Oct 23 by member: Debbie Cousins
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Are you a fixer like me? It sounds like it. I grew up with addiction in my family and I was always the one trying to get my dad and other family members to stop drinking. My thought was always that if I did better in school, if I was a better daughter, if , if, if….I always thought if I could fix them our family life would be perfect…well that never happened. As a young adult I always tried to “ help” people in my life..it was exhausting. I again had another family member that bled me dry in my efforts to help them… I finally learned to have boundaries. It’s often a hard thing to do but it was beginning to effect me too much. The emotional and financial toll it took effected my weight and my own emotional health. Without going into to many details, I had to learn to have a tough love attitude even when this person was calling me names, telling me it was my fault, and constantly telling me to give them money. They finally did get help and I’m happy to say they are doing great, But, this was done by their own hands. I prayed everyday for their sobriety. They finally found God and is now an assistant Chaplin. I’m convinced that if Gd did not intervene, they might not have made it. Anyway, my point is that sometimes addicted people blame others for their addiction and try to draw other in to their hell but won’t help themselves. You can be supportive while still having ground rules. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this!💜💜💜🙏🙏
13 Oct 23 by member: Diana 1234
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Diana, probably. Im very good at effecting change or getting things done that others cannot. Such as getting a rehab facility to accept a patient, talking someone into getting a college education and pushing them forward etc. however, some of the things i get done require a fair amount of money. Not so fun when i was working but i made a high income and therefore manageable. I have been like this since i was in my early 20’s. Gave me mom 1/4 of my paycheck to help with my little brother, (he’s 9 years younger), bought him a car with all of my savings (never got repaid), loaned him my car (he totaled never paid). Got him a high paying job with my company which he got fired from (couldnt show up on time or even show up). Took over the care of my mom at 35 (i left home at 15 and reconnected with her at 25). So i have a decades long history of doing this kind of thing. Ive given strangers thousands of dollars to help with their situation. Im not in a position to do this anymore since ive retired. My income has been reduced by 90%. My health has improved by 100%. I want to be selfish. I want to just help when i want to help. It’s a conflict. Yes, i grew up with an alcoholic abusive father. No one leaves home so young without cause. My issues with food happened around this time as there were days I wouldn’t eat. I only realized this last year when i was recovering from hip replacement. First time in my life i had slowed down enough to have some self-realizations. Yikes, im rambling again. I hope i answered your question. TMI for this space im aware. Circular however. Issues with food all started for us somewhere. Thank you for your sympathy. I will just keep praying to be better, kinder, more patient.
13 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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Youre very kind and caring, dont sell yourself short. Youve done FAR more than most people would. And, perhaps more kindness would include making this woman become more self-reliant, because taking advantage of you isnt helping her, and is truly not helping you. You dont seem to be enjoying your hard-earned retirement, and this lady who youve really done a lot seems to be taking advantage of your kindness.
i suppose because ive been in dire situations along the line of what this woman you describe has been in (though not the drugs or that) that Im able to see that once enmeshed in that life, its hard to see your out. i commend her for 2 years sober but, its truly time for her to become more autonomous, and you to understand youve done far more than was expected, and for her and especially you to move forward, you need to let her take the reins of her own and her decisions.
13 Oct 23 by member: lissafaith
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Lissa, i completely agree. I have withdrawn from her quite a bit since my hip replacement. I do feel empathy for her but im exhausted after every encounter. I had not seen her since Xmas which is a far cry from last year when i was picking her up once a week on my day off to take her to a sober space meeting (not aa or na but a place where families an addicts gather to exchange ideas, services, grab free food and commune—i hated going but thought would be good for her to make contacts. It didnt work tho). So from once a week to not till this past month is a long time which is why i feel like such a monster for being mad about it. Yes, i know she’s manipulative but she has literally nothing but what myself and hubs and her mother have bought her. She needs a double knee replacement after the dental extractions so thats her excuse for not being able to look for work. I got her a really amazing laptop last year when i thought she was going to go to college (she didnt) so she has the option of looking for work from home work with that. Omg i could go on and on. I am going on and on. So sorry. Im going to stop now. You are right tho.
13 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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Just as our kids will only become self-reliant if allowed to do so, she must be allowed to become more self-reliant. Talk with her. Tell her you want to continue to support her as her friend, but she needs to begin to take the reigns. Some people will take advantage, as long as they are allowed to. Maybe some counseling could help you deal with your feelings of guilt when you say no for their own good.
13 Oct 23 by member: SherryeB
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Sherrye i could have benefited from counseling a long time ago for various reasons. I have had this discussion with her more than once and im not very nice when i have it. Im good for short term fixes and emergencies. I can rise to those occasions and handle them. It’s the long term. I dont mind the nudge or prod here and there but this im just over. She has spent her lifetime having someone else pay the way for her so she’s used to it. It used to be men but now that she’s sober it’s her mom and sometimes us. I do know. I also know i dont owe her anything but if not for me she would not have gotten into a rehab facility. I was willing to pay if i could not find her one that would accept her state insurance. I was the one who got them to take her back when they closed in the middle of her stay due to covid and decided to go to an all male facility. So i feel some responsibility. It’s not the first time i got her into rehab. The last time was about 15 years ago. She got kicked out. This time she is succeeding.
13 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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YOH, I hope you understand my comments were in no way criticism of what you have done & continue to do to help this lady. I was trying to back you up on your apparent feelings that maybe it's time for her to be more independent. The suggestion for counseling was to help you, since you say you feel guilt. I commend you for doing everything in your power to help her get sober.
13 Oct 23 by member: SherryeB
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Sherrye i didnt take your comments critically and even if i receive negative criticism im a big girl and i can take it🥰. Im telling myself i should delete this post that i was having a pity party at this persons expense. I may. I appreciate you and i appreciate all the comments. Ive spent my adult life feeling like i need to give back to (_____) fill in the blank. Even when i was very poor i would give what i had to my mom who I wasn’t really on speaking terms with at the time. God spared me w a worse life than my situation dictated i should have and i believe i am meant to repay that to others. Ive been fortunate that i have (as my mom used to say) the gift of gab and can be (at times) quite charming with a nice enough face. That probably provided for some of the opportunities that came my way. Tho when help was sent I listened to the direction God was pointing me in. Does any of this make sense?
13 Oct 23 by member: Yearofhealth2023
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Definitely. I think you have to give yourself credit for your achievements in life. You refused to let the things that could have held you back define your life. And you have it in your heart to help others. Plenty of people are attractive & have the gift of gab....not all of them use it for good.
13 Oct 23 by member: SherryeB
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