08willbegreat's Journal, 23 June 2008

Enough! Basta! No more!

I say this as I disgustedly push away my half-eaten bag of pita chips and the bean and basil hummus dip.

It has been a food-fest and a binge attack in the last couple of days that's increasingly getting worse!!! Concurrenly, the weight on the scale is getting more and more...and in conjuction, my motivation, energy, and strength is loooooming down as I watch those numbers and as this heavy feeling of fullness after high-carbs, OD-ing on food, and total abandonment of ww points-sysstem washes over me....I find myself spiraling downward.

Just when I thought I'm never going down that mindless eating, no working out path again!! Well, I am in the orange zone, and time to kick up some motivation. Fight those cravings.

I love myself more than all of that. I like my body and am not going to let it go down the path of self-destruction!!! I like the great feeling of control and euphoria related to working out, and the wonderful compliments I get when I'm looking my best. No food is worth any of that!

The facts that caused my derailment: Started with that indian-food dinner on Saturday (no, earlier, the winetasting perhaps on Thursday), and then I had a party at my place yesterday..and as a result, I've just let myself go. Too much of eating and too much of drinking. This morning, I woke up at 6.30 am, and was planning to go workout at 8 am. Instead, I came across the party-leftover pita chips in my cabinet, and decided to have a couple. Well, one thing led to another, and I'd finished the bag, and felt too full, and decided that workout ain't happening this morning. In fact, it hasn't happend all day. This is truly a shame.

And in two days flat, I seem to have forgotten the whole system!! I can't remember what made me not want any of this junk for the last few months. I can't remember how I push myself and go to the gym so reguarly. I can't remember how I typically don't do mindless munching--haven't done it in a few months now--so how can I so quickly lapse into the old habits and forget the more recent ones??!

I really can't understand, though, how this can happen? I mean, I'd thought with all this points-business, I was actually quite satiated with the fewer calories that I've been eating daily. I thought my stomach had shrunk. And also, I thought mentally I'd be disgusted with such vile out-of-control behaviour. So, how coudl this heppen? I'd think it would be physically difficult to eat more if you're not used to doing so!

Well, this is an important lesson. I am not out of the woods. And probably will never be. Like the recovered alcoholics, I'll always need to watch for triggers and make sure I don't succumb. All the great habits and mental resolve can effectively crumble just like that (snap of fingers). On top of that, I can't let stress affect my judgment---this week is lots of deadlines and it's stressing me out, so I'm reaching for the avoidance tactics, i/e., stuffing my face, browsing the internet, and avoiding working or working out!!!

Well, the honeymoon-from-hell is over! Back to my wonderfully carved out life and schedule. I'm going to keep working until I meet the deadlines. I won't do any socializing until Friday evening. I should probably skip the big wine festival on Saturday to catch me back on speed with my weightloss. I really need some good news on the scale--it's depressing me and sending me downwards otherwise. So, I'll need to carve out some changes that will ENABLE the weight-loss to happen this week. So I'll see the results. And so I'll want to continue to be good. That is the whole postive cycle I want to create.

Ok, so that's it.
1) No obvious carbs this week (the negligible amounts in veggies, dairy etc. is fine, but no pasta, bread, crackers, chips etc.).

2) No drinking ALL week & weekend

3) Working out at least 120 minutes daily (an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening--my old schedule of gym-time in the morning and walking in the evening).

4) Lots of water--at least 3 liters, and

5) the rest of the day: very focused work (no distractions).

6) I'll reward myself by going out on Friday (good, clean fun with a baseball game--we've got bleacher tickets), and on Saturday (shooting pool). I'll skip all other alchohol-related events, ie., my wine-group's social on Sat afternoon, the big international wine fest on Sat evening, and the sports-pub on Sunday afteroon...

Today's meals: Countless points!!
1.5 bag of pita chips, several tbs of the hummus dip
chick pea curry (several helpings)
Rotini pasta with chick peas, olive oil and parsley (several helpings)
Redeeming thing: I haven't touched the big box of chocolates or the muffins sitting in my fridge--haven't even wanted to.