ymvv2000

I was thin and active in high school but even back then, I thought I needed to lose weight because I could never get my weight in the double digits (I think I weighed 105 lbs at 5'1").

My weight gain started with a relationship that enrolled me in the school of hard knocks (literally). While most people would hide their pain with alcohol or drugs, food was my drug of choice. I would eat so much that my stomach would hurt. Not from a typical stomachache, but from the pressure of too much food and too little space in my abdomen.

I wanted to be anorexic, but couldn't live without chips and cheese dip (or anything else). I tried bulimia, but couldn't get the finger down the throat thing right. (Did you see the episode of Family Guy where the guys took Ipecac? I envied them. Tried Ipecac. Couldn't throw up then either.)

This is not my first attempt at a normal diet. I did try Weight Down Workshop and lost my weight. But I couldn't find another support group like that in my area. Then another bad relationship with another guy. I forgot why I lost the weight in the first place.

So why is this time different?
--The fact that I've 'bared my soul' on a public website rather than hide my feelings.
--I realize that food is not the enemy. But it's not 'my friend'. It's an inanimate object that I need to stop personifying. If my body calls for it, then I need to eat. No emotional attachment to the ding dong.
--I had my husband take pictures of me naked. And I've never felt so disgusted. I don't think I even look at myself in the mirror. But I also have pictures of what I want to look like, too.
--The scale is a tool. It doesn't judge me or determine my self-worth.