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12 November 2018

It's crazy how quickly and easily I can revert back to old bad habits. I needed this break. It was so nice to have a couple months here to settle in at a lower weight and let my body and mind recover from dieting. But it's time to get back to it, and I find myself doing the same things I did at the very beginning, namely, wanting to wait until a "better" time to commit.

It started out with "let me enjoy just one more weekend", and then went to "these next few days are already gonna be crazy, let's just wait until they pass", and then became "Thursday would be a great day to start because it syncs up with my past weigh-in schedule", and now it's "well, Thanksgiving is next week and maybe I should just wait until after that."

No. No more. There is never gonna be a perfect day to start. There's always going to be some reason or another to wait until later. No more waiting. No more excuses. Today. Is. The. Day.

09 November 2018

Weigh-in: 205.6 lb lost so far: 38.4 lb still to go: 60.6 lb Diet followed poorly
   (1 comment) steady weight

01 November 2018

Weigh-in: 205.6 lb lost so far: 38.4 lb still to go: 60.6 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (3 comments) gaining 0.5 lb a week

20 September 2018

I'm in a weird place right now. I just hit a big milestone yesterday. 40 pounds lost, and $1,500 won for doing it. I should be celebrating, and in some ways I am, but more than anything I feel like it wasn't real. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it honestly felt like I was going to see it right back up where I was. I'm having trouble figuring out why I'm thinking like this.

It probably has something to do with some very troubling statistics I read yesterday. I'm not going to share them here, one because they're as yet unpublished, and two because I don't want to be responsible for anyone else feeling like I do right now.

Ugh... I'm depressed, and I don't know why. And that's the real bitch about depression, is that if there really was a reason why we could simply fix it and move on, but it just can't be that easy for some reason.

In the beginning, when I first started this effort, I acknowledged (and encouraged others to acknowledge) that the first and hardest step of battling obesity is getting your head straight. I still believe that's true, and maybe that's what's been making me feel like I'm going to be right back where I started tomorrow - my head isn't straight right now. It hasn't been for well over a month, and I know it, and I have known it, and I've been hanging on by my fingernails, but I know where eventually this road leads.

So I guess I know what I need to work on going forward.

(To those of you who read this, I don't mean to dump this crap on you. Journaling is a good way for me to just start talking about my feelings and follow them where they lead until I realize what's actually happening with me. I'm sorry if sometimes that journey brings others down, but please know it's not my intention to spread the sadness.)

20 September 2018

Weigh-in: 202.8 lb lost so far: 41.2 lb still to go: 57.8 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment losing 0.6 lb a week

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