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15 September 2014

My meal planning WOE continues and, for the most part, I’ve been able to “adhere” to it. However, borrowing pages from friends here, I’m also working on being flexible and letting go of old ways of rigidity. And that rigidity may certainly have played a part in my weight gain/inability to lose weight – just plain old holding on to things – including the food I INgest and don’t fully DIgest. So… Day seven of this WOE begins … and, while writing this I got swept away by a sudden rush of requests here at work.

Now that I’m back…I’ll recap the weekend for myself.

Days one through three went by pretty uneventfully. I was committed to the plan as I’d devised it and I did not deviate nor was I tempted to deviate. Day four came (Friday) and I had plans with a friend for a sleep-over so we could get an early start the next day for the King Sauna Spa. I think I was feeling a little self-conscious and I really just wanted to hide away that night. But when she confirmed, I told her I’d be there AFTER dinner and that I was working this new WOE so please don’t worry about snacks or even breakfast, I’d bring my own. She agreed saying that’d be too late for her to have dinner anyway. So, imagine my surprise when, after I’d arrived at her place, the buzzer sounded and she said, “Oh, that’s my pizza. I haven’t eaten all day.” Ok, deep breath. I have hyper-sensitive hearing (misophonia) and so even the quietest chewing irritates me. Add to that the fact the pizza is one of my “go to” foods for “comfort” (a.k.a. stuffing emotions) and presto-changeo, you have a serene woman turning in to a gargoyle.

But, luckily, I had my iPad with me and so I just started reading e-mails and doing my own thing for a while. I told myself that if it became unbearable I did not need to change her or get angry, I could simply excuse myself and go to another room until she was finished. I was harboring a little resentment, though, that she knew my challenge and hadn’t planned around me. I felt she was insensitive. And yet, I said nothing. I don’t think it’s my place to point out what I perceive as her shortcomings. I don’t, however, have to sit through them.

On the other hand, I also know that she is dealing with a lot of upheaval in her world right now, is prone to depression and had a mini-anxiety attack earlier in the day. So, I had some empathy for her. And, about half-way through her 2nd slice she apologized for eating in front of me. I accepted her apology. I also accepted that I handled it very well. I knew my options and was willing to do whatever I needed to protect and care for myself.

On Saturday I enjoyed going to the sauna spa – but it’s a different experience when I am with someone…a little less relaxing. I found that I’m just not accustomed to having someone else to consider. It was a bit jarring, for sure. Even so, I tried not to “mother hen” too much and just check in to let her know when I was going to change rooms or whatever. We got on well together and had some laughs.

All things food: I had my plan and my food with me… but the timing was all wonky so that by the time lunch time was well past, I hadn’t eaten all my breakfast food so I ate that. And by 4PM I was home but very, very hungry. The first thing I did, however, was pull out my food plan and then I pulled out the lunch food, sat down and ate it. As I ate I suddenly noticed that, even though I’d planned foods that I like – and can even enjoy, I was not enjoying them. I was shoveling them in, spoonful after spoonful. I set the spoon down and tried to reassure myself that there was sufficient taste and nourishment before me, that I wasn’t starving, that I wasn’t “less than” someone else and therefor unlikely to get what I needed. I could feel the compulsion to eat MORE – regardless. I’m grateful for this site and for the IRL friends I’m making in this area in my life because I could “hear” all your “voices” (yes, despite never having met any of you personally, I’ve assigned each of you a certain sound to your “voice”) encouraging me to “stay curious”, “keep up the good work, kiddo”, “this too shall pass”, etc.

So, while I did wind up eating dinner just two hours after “lunch” I feel like I had a victory because I did not wolf down everything in sight and go out for more. AND, I did not eat icecream… and what’s the most different of all, I completely forgot about some taquitos I had in the freezer! I didn’t even THINK of those until Sunday night as I was doing the dishes. Oh, well, maybe tonight – or next week – or never!

And, speaking of Sunday: It was a beautiful day here in the Big Apple. I had a long, vigorous walk in the morning, did my grocery shopping and even purchased a couple pair of pants. I got a pedicure in the afternoon and then picked up some fruits for my elderly friend who is a semi-shut-in. She can get out but it’s a big effort for her and since she’d gone to church in the morning I knew she’d not be able to make it to the grocery store around the corner. I spent some time with her, had a nice visit and then came home. I felt so “replete” having reached outside of myself, looked for service, been good to myself as well as another.

And the work week begins. As the weather cools here in the North East, I find that I did want coffee again this morning. But, in the spirit of “being curious” (thanks so very much for that catch-phrase Ruth), I just looked at the desire, realized that it was just that: a desire and not a need, and I just observed the desire. It was about warming myself inside out. It was about feeling a “part of” everyone in the office who was sipping a cuppa joe. It was about wanting to connect and feel loved. At least that is my understanding of it now.

And, just to touch on the “other organization” for a moment. This was the weekend for their monthly meetings. The first in over 10 years that I did not attend any part of. I know that the plan there was to announce to members that I had left (I provided a brief farewell letter). And, it was (and remains) interesting to see what happened. 1) Only one woman reached out to me via text to say she missed me – and I genuinely miss her, too. She’s a lovely person, so authentic in her self-expression. 2) I “wanted” to feel sad about not being there – but when I “stayed curious” without giving in to a mechanical response, I found that I did not, in fact, FEEL sad. Quite the contrary, I felt glad. 3) I’m DELIGHTED beyond words to know that I’ll never see LH again. (But we already knew that, right? Just great internal confirmation of it.) I felt so light, so happy, so connected to what I need to do to create safe and nurturing space for my self.

Ok, I think that’s quite enough for now….

14 September 2014

Weigh-in: 186.0 lb lost so far: 16.0 lb still to go: 21.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
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12 September 2014

11 September 2014

Yesterday I had a food plan. I felt good going in to work with all my little containers, well-measured and pre-planned. I had no food anxiety.

And then it hit me. I had agreed to go to lunch with a colleague. I started to panic and then realized I could easily choose a place (it was my turn) that offered more or less the same things as I had packed for lunch. The plan worked! sort of...

I kept well within my calorie allotment but I ate a lot of raw veggies in the salad (rather than the steamed bunch I'd brought with me) and my digestive tract had a strong reaction. For dinner I then had to ditch my plan for the raw veggies/cold meal and go with a nice cup of asparagus/zucchini soup.

Nevertheless, I'm still dealing with the gas and indigestion this morning. So, lesson learned (I hope) - too many raw veggies and cold foods mid-day is not good for me right now.

And, 2nd lesson learned: a meal plan works for me. It takes the edge off of my day trying to guess what I want or what I'll have to eat. I've made a plan, I've written it here in FS the night before and I can refer to it - even when the unplanned occurs, it can still be my guide.

Nothing deep and dramatic today. I'm feeling gratitude, freedom and lightness for the good decisions I've been making to support and nurture myself.

Hope everyone has a lovely day.

06 September 2014

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