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19 August 2014

19 August 2014

Not quite sure what to make of today. 24 minute walk this morning and acupedo said it was at a rate of 4.7 mph. 20 minute walk on treadmill tonight where treadmill was set at 4.5 mph and acupedo said it was 5.4 mph. How fast am I going???!!! Who really cares? I'm just glad I'm moving again.

The experiment with a big breakfast did not pan out. I still ate a lot this evening when I got done on the treadmill. I think it's really an emotional or psychological/mechanical thing. I don't feel that hungry, I just eat. Guess I need to bring more awareness to this meal.

Glad, glad, glad I'm exercising again. Sorta had an argument w/ myself this evening. I got home, took some medicine after which I must wait at least 30 minutes before eating. I'd made a deal w/ myself a week ago that those 30 minutes would be for the treadmill. Well, tonight, I was a little tired - I'd walked in the AM and last night was the jogging challenge and this afternoon I'd seen my chiro. i just thought I'd give myself a pass.... But as soon as I started to "settle in", a part of me began to get VERY upset: "You promised! You said we'd exercise during this 30 minutes." Well, I was surprised at the vehemence with which this message came across so I compromised: 20 minutes on treadmill but only walking - needed to respect the muscle fatigue from previous workouts. It worked. the 20 minutes was perfect and I got to test the acupedo vs treadmill mph measuring...

Sorta back & forth with this random journal but c'est la vie!

19 August 2014

18 August 2014

So, after 4 days straight without alarm clock, work or coffee (and feelin' pretty good about it) I woke this morning to may alarm clock in order to get to work and I immediately wanted coffee. Talk about a mechanical or robotic response. Well, I met a friend for a pre-work breakfast and I ordered decaf... Didn't do anything for me. I didn't really enjoy it. I know I don't need the AM caff-kick so the desire for coffee is from some other part of me. Just an observation.

I'm going to try to stay strong in this because apparently the caffeine is part of what plays with my hormones and can contribute to the difficult cycle I have - which also contributes to the bouts of depression that play within my cycle.

I've also been pretty regular with the exercise over the past few days. I am feeling stronger even though I've not lost any weight. I think the ways I'm most benefitting from this practice are that 1) I can put it in my log here, point & say: "There, I did that." and 2) I feel emotionally better and better while I'm doing it. My physical body is having a "good" challenge in acclimating to this increased activity (achy joints, lower back tenderness) but my emotional body is really getting a lot.

Now, I do still struggle with depression - just not like it was in Jan/Feb/Mar. I still want to cry and often feel a little sorry for myself, very lonely, etc. And I think that's just fine. I have reason to feel sad, lonely, forgotten - I mean I got more b-day wishes here from people I've never met in person than I did from people who've known me for 10+ years. But, I'm not going to spend a lot of time on that. I'm just going to acknowledge it and know that there are people in my life who are not truly friends because they don't know how or are unable or whatever. I am going to let them go. I don't have to be ugly about it, I can just ... release. And see what I'll gain when I lose them.

Tonight I challenged myself to a different run/jog experience. Lately I'd been walking (4.5 mph) for 3 minutes followed by 2 minutes of jogging (5.5 mph) over the course of 35 minutes on the treadmill. Tonight I challenged myself to do a consecutive 15 minutes of jogging after I'd warmed up. And I did it! I actually did it! My knees got a little cranky toward the end but I went ahead and completed my personal challenge. I'll be respectful of what my body can handle over the coming days but I'm so glad I could do this for myself. I used to run a lot - 3-5 miles every morning. But after my last marathon I messed up my ankles and have been away from the activity for several years. Again, I'm going to be respectful and I'm not looking to complete another marathon. I just want to be able to really move some times.

Sweet dreams everyone,

15 August 2014

Just wanted to check in with everyone. Glad you all seem to be doing well.

Today was another "sleep late" / no work day. I was such a lazy-head, didn't get outta bed til 7AM. hehehe

I was a little mixed up this morning - unsure if I wanted to actually hit the Spa Castle ( or not. So I reminded myself that 1) I make good decisions and 2) it was a beautiful morning for a nice, vigorous walk. So, I decided to make my b-day cake (yummy blueberry teacake with no sugar, flour/gluten or dairy). It's my favorite since about 2 years ago when someone brought it to my "cook with me" dinner party. I used to invite people over and say: you decide the menu, whatever your favorite dish is, bring the ingredients and we'll make it together. I got to spend time with people (so important at that time when I was in early sobriety) in an alcohol-free zone. I also learned new recipes. The most amazing thing, though, was that the menus were always "harmonious" - you know? as if the dishes had been planned to compliment each other. Really cool.

Ok, so back to today. I whipped up the cake, popped it in the oven and took off on my walk. I knew SG/DM would be on duty by the time I got back, I acknowledged that to myself and said: No More Fear! I'm not going to allow fear of interacting with him to determine how I spend my day. So, off I went. Fabulous walk! I mean, perfect weather and I had good energy and momentum. I was out for 30 minutes at almost 4.5 mph (clocked on my smart phone's app "acupdedo) and as I was coming back down my block, there he was entering the building. He fumbled with his keys for a bit while I stood just behind him, silent. He finally unlocked the door and held it for me. I brightly said, "Thanks!" to which he respond with something of a hurumph. Oh, well, he can pout. Not on my agenda today.

Came up to my apartment to the wonderful aroma of blueberry teacake....mmmm....

And then, right then, I knew. I just completely knew that I wanted to go to the spa. It's quite a trek to get there (two subways, five blocks in Queens and then a shuttle bus) but I wasn't allowing fear to determine what I do today. So, I pulled on my big girl pants, loaded up my backpack with a salad, tuna and tahini and a nice bottle of water and forged ahead. It was nice. I'm glad I went. The various saunas were so helpful in relieving some tension and low-back pains. The "bade pool" was a little too chilly for me - overcast and only around 70* F with strong, gusty winds. So, I headed back in and paddled around in the women's locker room hot tubs before my body scrub.

This place is a Korean mainstay. As I observed the women walk around so unselfconsciously, I thought: Wow! What a different culture. Stark naked, all shapes and sizes and most (99% I'd guesstimate) were completely comfortable being naked in front of other women. Fear still was trying to make an appearance in my day and I'll admit to seriously more modesty than most of them but I did face some fears there, too, just by being present. Again, don't want to give TMI here but just sharing my experience with 1) facing fears and 2) accepting body image.

Oh, and the body scrub - OMG! stark naked on a table allowing someone to completely scrub your WHOLE body, gettin all the dead skin scrubbed off.... Well, I began to see that the woman scrubbing me was simply cleaning a casing, the external material - not who I truly am. She saw me as, I don't know, what she saw me as. She treated me with respect but with NO, ZERO judgment. I am inspired to look in to this custom and try to understand its origins and meaning because it's REALLY big for the Korean community.

On my way home I got a pedicure, so my toes are SUPER clean and very pretty for my birthday tomorrow. Happy Feet!

Wish the rest of me looked equally thin... My pedicurist always (no matter if she's said it before or if it's a different person) says with delight and surprise: "You have beautiful feet." Ok, I'm not gonna read anything in to that, it's a simple compliment. Say thank you, Ceci. "Why, thank you."

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