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19 November 2014

Weigh-in: 184.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 19.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (1 comment) on diet Awareness and Conscious Choices   steady weight

12 November 2014

11 November 2014

Veteran's Day. 11AM I paused - I thought of what a friend taught me just 2 hours earlier: 11th hour, 11th day, 11th month - armistice day....and for the prior few hours it had been the worst killing spree of the war - the war to end all wars...only it wasn't...there were more wars....and two of them need my dad in them - - - and they wounded him so deeply inside that he never really recovered. Oh, he was physically "whole", never a day in the hospital.... But internally, what he must have gone through to change him from the loving, gentle boy in to the raging man he was for so much of my life. I watched bits and parts of the parade here in NYC - all along Fifth Avenue. The crowds were, as usual, thin - but there were crowds, and not just of shoppers. It's hard for me now. I think of Dad, of our family - of all the dads, moms and families who become the "Wounded Warriors" - the ones we don't see and don't celebrate.... Anyway.... I called Dad this afternoon and told him I loved him and I thought of him today especially, and how the parade always chokes me up. He said, "Yeah. Today chokes me up, too." 4 1/2 minutes but that's OK. Just for today, 4 1/2 minutes is a perfect dad/daughter bonding time. I'll take today.

Other things today:
I got my teeth whitened. Not sure it's worth all the effort but I'll see over the next couple weeks.

Then I went shopping (in between checking on the parade, couldn't take too much at once) and found some splashy, sexy slacks at - you guessed it - White House Black Market. I got a pair of the black jacquard and a pair of the red jacquard slacks and a pair of the red/black plaid - but they are big plaids so it looks like tic-tac-toe board. I was afraid that last one would be too loud but they actually are all "slimming" and I feel beautiful in them.

I also picked up a few sweaters and tops - though not as psyched about them as the pants. I really needed/wanted some winter slacks.

Ended the day at the chiro's with a one-hour medical massage from my favorite therapist. Home now with banana bread baking in the oven.

10 November 2014

09 November 2014

Woke at 2:30AM and ate 3 oz of chicken and a slice of the gluten-free nut loaf bread I'd made last night. I couldn't get back to sleep until somewhere around 5AM. Woke at 8AM and had "breakfast". So.... I've recorded all of it for today's breakfast. While yesterday's RDI is very low - I just wasn't hungry all day - today's may (or may not) be high. I don't know and I'm not too sure I care. I'm working on simply accepting where I am today, this moment.

In that vein... I'm feeling rather philosophical this early Sunday morning, before heading off to yoga...

And right now, I feel grateful that I have the resources (time, space, money, energy, awareness) to allow myself to be who I am in any moment. I often think of my two sisters. For many years I was angrily jealous of them. They had married "good" men. They had given birth to beautiful and loving children. The were, in my estimation, living the American Dream. They had risen past our childhood of alcoholic & co-dependent parenting to become these paragons of ideal motherhood.

I was able to feel that way because I isolated myself from them. (Well, I isolated myself from most people. Only the most stalwart could get close and then only fleetingly.)

Now that I'm trying to live in acceptance, in reality, in loving community with them and others.... well... I'm grateful for my life. I've clearly built what I've wanted. Their husbands are flawed and their marriages resemble that of our parents in some ways though not in the alcoholism. I see that they, too, had isolated certain things. They'd isolated the "problem" as being one of substance abuse. And while that is problem enough, it wasn't the whole picture. And in many ways I see one of my parents in each of their marriages. My dad's role (minus the alcohol) is often played by my sisters. But not always. My mother's influence is clearly there and sometimes her spirit seems more in the submissive nature of their husbands when faced with the rage which is part of the inheritance from my dad.

Anyway, enough "judgment". In fact, I choose to see it more as acceptance than judgment. I'm not judging anyone as good or bad. (I see and feel my parents in my own life, my own relating to others, too.) I'm just noticing life as it is from my perspective. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful that as I move through peri-menopause which causes emotional highs/lows and sudden, unbearable discomfort in the middle of the night, that I can get up, bumble around in the dark or turn on as many lights as I like, with no thought for the disturbance of others (ok, well, I don't crank music or TV so as not to disturb neighbors but that's about it).

And I sit in humility and wonder at how my sisters (or my mother for that matter) are making it through with their husbands and children depending on them for so very much: nurturing, love, support, encouragement, etc. They are more or less my age and experiencing some signs of peri-menopause, too. But they have to do it in front of others...

I am grateful, yes. But I am humbly aware of how spoiled I am to have been able to create a life where I'm self-supporting, in a comfortable home, and with the resources to give myself time & space for the expression of this time of my life.

I must remind myself that my sisters made their choices and have built their lives accordingly. None of us are victims. We are all volunteers. None of us are in physically abusive relationships like my mom was, thus, we can choose to make changes when and if we are ready.

My sisters may not want changes. But if they eventually do, I hope I can be supportive and never judgmental - well, even if they don't want change, I want to be supportive & unconditionally loving.

Fear can make me judgmental. I want to recognize the power I've given fear and continuously take it back so that I can be the woman I intrinsically am.

Off to a beautiful Sunday... Oh, and one quick word from the Buddha (a slight paraphrase for modern society):

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