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01 February 2015

I'm a little afraid. I feel the darkness crowding in on me again. I don't want to go through last winter's depression again but this feels eerily similar. I've almost tripled my vitamin D intake (doctor is aware and supportive) but I just keep finding myself without motivation and sitting on the sofa all day.

Well, not all day. During the week I go to work and I've not fallen apart crying at my desk (yet). I don't even feel very tearful, just "blah". But on the weeknights and weekends - I sit on the sofa with the tv on. I think about getting out a yoga dvd or going to the workout room but I cannot seem to muster the energy required to follow through.

During the week I fall asleep by about 8:30 unless I'm working late or at an appointment. On the weekends all I truly desire is to escape: tv or sleep.

I'm making concerted efforts to reach out to friends, go to AA meetings, check on my friend (elderly shut-in) and meditate on the things for which I'm grateful. I just feel the heaviness of the season. Last week's "blizzard that wasn't" followed by days of sub-zero wind chills and another winter storm warning .... I seriously need look for another state to live in - one with lots & lots of sunshine and outdoor-time.

I don't know for sure what all is entailed in S.A.D. but whatever I'm experiencing, well, I just don't like it. I know in the thick of last winter's depression I wasn't this coherent so I know I'm not in the same place but.... well, this feels yucky. I'll see my therapist on Thursday and we'll talk about it. And I have friends to whom I can chat, too.

Not logging food or exercise. Can't see the point in it just now. Whether I log or not, I'm going to have a crappy few weeks, or so it would seem.... There it is. all i can do at this point.

26 January 2015

24 January 2015

So, another healthy week: healthy eating and healthy feeling. My daily RDI is higher but I know what my goal has been: to eat for gut health. Besides, 99% of what I consumed (including the yogurt) was homemade so the calorie count could well be off.

I've continued with PT exercise and no aerobic workouts in order to ensure my joints are safe when I finally do return to aerobic exercise.

And my weight is basically the same.

So: I consider this a successful week.

On the emotional side of life... Well, that's been successful - and just plain FULL. I've been connecting with people in healthy ways. But all this connection is leading to lots of feelings and I have a difficult time with feelings.

I've felt frustration, jealousy, happiness, love, excitement, fear, sadness, anger... And I've been confused sometimes.

I bottled some of the feelings up with over-consumption of TV or lazing in bed. I'm tempted to say I have the winter blues but that doesn't ring true. I think it's just this inability and unwillingness to feel and express.

But I'm working on it with friends, family, support group. I have lots of support and none of this is overwhelming. I'm just writing it down here in order to check in with you, my buddies.

I'm enjoying my acting class so far (one class last Monday) and it's given me a whole new outlet for creativity and feelings. My self-expression is ALREADY impacted simply because I've seen myself and others in a new light.

At work I'm setting boundaries firmly but (for the most part) not aggressively.

So, things are, all-in-all, going well. And winter will be over in a few months - it always ends ;-). And life will go on.

Reading a lovely book: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. If you're looking for a good read, I recommend it.

23 January 2015

17 January 2015

While I'm not yet reporting a weight loss and I AM reporting an end to the gas crisis of 2015. Wow, that took a while but my tummy is finally feeling better. No more constant belching and other issues. But here's my lesson: some things just take a little time and patience. I'll continue to go easy on my digestive tract for the coming week and hope that balance is restored and healing continues.

This past week I've not been able to eat my emotions so I've been feeling a lot of them: anxiety, fear, frustration, excitement, insecurity. They all sorta blended together and I had to just sit with them. Well, I didn't actually "have to" sit with them. I chose to sit with them rather than reach for - oh, I don't know....cheese, chocolate, carbs. So, I have learned that I actually DO have the capability to sit with uncomfortable emotions. I don't need to act out.

All that said, I actually did consume a bit more TV than normal. BUT, I also did my PT exercises and spoke to trusted friends about the feelings.

Things are busy at work and when I get home I rarely want to sit here and write a lot (though that is a tool that can also help me). But I do check in with peeps here and I rest...as much as possible. I am honoring the demands of my body.

So glad you are here so I have some interaction with people on this topic.

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