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29 July 2014

Keeping aware and trying to make conscious choices. I feel like I'm on the path again...

Sometimes it may turn in to an uphill climb...

But that might lead to an interesting place.

I'm doing pretty well today. The journey has begun to settle down a bit for me and I'm quite glad. It's taken me a while but as they say T.I.M.E. takes time. (Things I Must Experience = T.I.M.E.) I won't pretend to understand exactly why I've had to experience the things I have over the past few months (year & half), but I'm glad that I took the time to document a lot of here - with you....and mostly just with myself.

While this may seem "out there" to some of you, it may also be exactly what someone else needs. A friend sent me this link and I FINALLY began to believe that there was hope for me to process/digest/release some of what has happened. Maybe this will help you, too, so I'm sharing.... because you folks taught me that sharing is valuable, it takes courage, but it is so valuable! The things you share on FS, your journals - totally inspiring. Keep comin' back!


28 July 2014

I was gonna start this by saying, "I don't know how you all put up with me..." then I thought, "Well, h**l, how do I put up with me?"

Yesterday afternoon my dad called and said that his elder sister had passed away. WHOMP! Whoa, that one I did NOT see coming. No one said she was ill or weak... just aging, like Dad. Dad's mom died when he was about 8 so this aunt, Aunt Mary Alice, became the "mother hen" of this brood of 12 chicks. I don't remember how much older she was than Dad, but she was not yet (or just barely) a teenager, I think.

Anyway, Dad is not a big emoter (is that even a word?) He's emotionally constipated/unavailable and over the (recent) years I've begun to understand why - once I let go of being angry at him for it. For heavens' sake! he grew up without a mother and WITH a rageous father. Again, TMI, no doubt. But, he's not an emotional outlet (or inlet) by any stretch. But as we spoke for the marathon 4min 45sec last night, I said, "Oh, Dad, This one hits close." And he really opened up, "Yep. She was like a mom to me, ya know." That was about it. But, as I've learned to speak his language over the years, I've come to be able to translate that in to "a world of hurt goin' on in here."

He asked me if everything was OK with my younger sister because she didn't seem to want to talk when he'd called her. I said, "Well, Dad, this is a blow and I think she was close to Aunt Mary Alice." He said, "I don't think I'd told her yet." Later that night my sis texted that she'd been devastated at the news when he called which was why she couldn't speak.... That's how emotionally unavailable he is. He didn't realize he'd given her the news. He just has to close it all off in order to keep functioning.

He's in a world of hurt, my friends. And, by proxy, so am I... Well, even on my own, I'm hurting over this.

Aunt Mary Alice was big and big-hearted. Whether from nature or nurture, she just couldn't help but mother everyone who came in her sphere - and her sphere was always HUGE! We'd take a road trip from our home to hers - just an hour or so away but when we arrived you'd think we'd been on the Oregon Trail for 3 days. She welcomed us with a great big, LOUD, "Well, hello there. Get on in here." Laughing & clutching us all to her bosom one by one. And the picnic would be set out, the water ballons, the kiddee pool, the TV set on, etc. The implied message: Love & Fun, Kiddos, Love & FUN for all.

When the next generation began to get married, there would be "reunions" (a family of 13 kids had spread out across the US so a wedding would bring them home) and she would be sure to have a "girls' breakfast" where all the little girls were invited to join her in the "fancy hotel restaurant".

Oh My Goodness, but we were the luckiest and most beautiful little girls on earth when Aunt Mary Alice was around. Even the last time I saw her, about 4 years ago, I was "such a beautiful little girl"...

She will be missed.

As for food? Well, I kept in my RDI yesterday. Proud of that. Finished up the night without grazing - had no snack food in the house so went to bed with nothing after dinner. And it is important for me to note that I slept well & soundly. When I woke today I was not a starving waif. I was a completely rational woman. Very good to note that I did not turn in to a ravenous beast. :-)

27 July 2014

Having a hard time not overeating yesterday and today. So... I went for a very long walk today. I found myself in a different area of Morningside Park about a 40-minute walk from my home and stumbled upon this monument, "Seligman Fountain" (also known as The Bear and The Faun):

“Alfred Lincoln Seligman sought not for fame, but in his comparatively short life he devoted much of his time to the young people of the City, in offering them opportunity for instruction in the art of music. It is because of his attitude toward the children and his work for their safety, health and happiness that this monument to his memory is peculiarly appropriate.”

Forecast had been for thunderstorms all afternoon but none came through while I was out & about. Very happy for that!

OK. Tomorrow the BMI challenge starts. Not sure what that will really achieve, I can only find online information that links weight & basically to change my BMI, I'll HAVE to lower my weight. Thus, what I'm really going to aim to do is lower my weight - which is what I'm on FS for anyway....But maybe, just maybe, being involved with others in this challenge will inspire me to work on the weight.

26 July 2014

Weigh-in: 189.0 lb lost so far: 13.0 lb still to go: 24.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Awareness and Conscious Choices   gaining 0.6 lb a week

25 July 2014

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DaniJB13 updated their Food Diary.
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isptech recorded a Weigh In at 214.0 lb.
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ldfrancis recorded a Weigh In at 150.2 lb.
Grebert recorded a Weigh In at 230.8 lb.