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LuvrOlife's Journal

 
showing entries 21 to 25 of 58
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23 February 2012

Weigh-in: 217.0 lb lost so far: 13.0 lb still to go: 67.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment losing 7.0 lb a week

21 February 2012

I just don't give my self credit for handling life's challenges. And when I don't do that, I allow my pain ego to rip the daily crap out of me, allowing myself to get sucked into a corner............ugh! Sure don't like seeing that part of me in celluloid or the mirror fow sho'!

I did pretty well, no I did everything within my power back in 2009 and shed 10-15 pounds. I ended up injuring my left foot in the process. I didn't know it at the time but had plantar fasciitis from running. Then in June I moved out from Sean's. I stayed the summer with my sister while I started back as a mechanic at United.

Working 8 hours plus everyday with plantar fasciitis, not knowing what it was, standing on concrete floors, overhauling acft Integrated Drive Generators, weighing over 50 pounds, flipping them around and lifting them back and forth to the bench as needed...took its toll on my body.

In August 2011 I injured my knee at work and was stuck at home until now, still recovering from surgery and being immobile and very sedentary...at the perfect time...the holidays...which are in winter and for the most part...i think suck! It's a challenging time to stay active and control portions when you're just feeling hungry.

That was then...my knee is slowly getting stronger. This last month the pain has subsided substantially. I think it has much to do with the warmer temperatures. My knee and leg felt pretty bad when it was cold and or damp. The stiffness left me wiped out from all the effort it took to do anything.

So Looking back, I think that I didn't put on even more weight, is a feather in my cap. It has been a long winter. I wasn't able to move for November and December. The holidays were temptation galore and that I didn't eat myself into bliss I should be happier about that.

The big challenge right now is that I am well into being 54. My middle section is ...ok I'm disgusted with it. I carry my weight from my neck down to my knees. I used to be curvy and now I'm just bumpy. It makes me sad. I don't like it and it gets tougher every day. SIGH

I'm getting my gym membership over here at the 24hour and they have a pool. So water aerobics and strength classes will be on my agenda. I want to be stronger, healthier and firmer. I haven't been thin since before puberty...so I'm not even concerned about that. I do just want to be sturdier than I've been and because I do physical labor, I need to be stronger.

I do feel better and with the longer sunnier days, I am encouraged to be more productive and get my physical needs met too...one step at a time!

21 February 2012

My guideline this time is from the Big Breakfast Diet. On this you Eat like a king in the morning, a queen for lunch and a pauper for dinner. I've also done some psychological work with myself to stop the self sabotage...basically making my Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) shut up and giving my core self the authority to negate this part of my ego.

For me, I have a thinking problem. I am my worst detractor and trouble maker...there's been a bit of work in unearthing what it is and fixing it.

Let's say that although it's not fixed by any stretch of the word...what is true, is that I am acknowledging my thinking problem as just that. In times past I could hear my mother calling me lazy, undisciplined and lacking focus. I believed these to be true. What I didn't have was support. I also don't know how to get it. Doing things on your own without direction and asking for help...let alone what is the right help at the right time...is a daunting task indeed.

Like in any recovery program, they state: One day at a time...well for me, it's always One Step at a time...whether it's forward or backwards. I need to just be OK with where I am at any given moment. SO I am learning the depth of what "owning it" means today. It comes down to being open and not ashamed.

Shame, FEAR, Guilt....these are all Curse words and have been embedded in the fiber of my being...so much so that I couldn't even see or recognize the "elephant" in my life...I kept seeing my weight and not what was attacking me from deep within the recesses of my brain.

Being Awake, aware and seeing yourself with your eyes wide open...wow...to wipe away delusion is all amazing work, but the most challenging is recognizing what it is first.

So for me, it's how I think...and today I think I'm happy with this insightful revelation for me.

What do you hear or are numbed by since you've played it in your head over and over again for decades? Do you turn towards a sweet, a movie, some other unhealthy behavior to keep from facing it and just listening to that voice?

Yesterday, in the shower I heard myself call me stupid for something I did more than 45 years ago! Mind you it's been saying I was stupid all that time, day in and day out...maybe several times a day. I ignored it, avoided it in some very self destructive ways...all because there was no adult or rational thought inside to challenge that thought.

So I actually did some self work and answered...yes I did do that! I was 8 nearly nine and I had the thinking of a very young scared girl, who was acting out looking for attention to my dilemma at the time. I didn't cause the problem, but I reacted to it in the way that you are cursing me for by calling me stupid. I'm sorry!

The revelation was that I found my inner hurt child, just wanted recognition for feeling stupid at nearly 9....that it was ok to act 9 with the coping skills of a hurt nine year old. That's all she wanted and in return she gave me the ability to let my linear thinking continue along her journey...being measured, focused and productive...mostly useful.

I hope this entry is useful to someone else and provides the motivation to look squarely at your ANTs and challenge them...better yet, Hear them and Acknowledge their moment of pain and provide the opportunity for the synchronicity of thought to heal your mind, then your body!

Peace be with you@
Weigh-in: 219.0 lb lost so far: 11.0 lb still to go: 69.0 lb Diet followed 100%
   add comment losing 24.5 lb a week

19 February 2012

Weigh-in: 226.0 lb lost so far: 4.0 lb still to go: 76.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment gaining 0.2 lb a week

22 March 2011

Weigh-in: 215.0 lb lost so far: 15.0 lb still to go: 65.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment gaining 0.3 lb a week

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