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17 June 2015

I miss the gym. I do. I really really do. I miss throwing my earbuds in and jumping on the elliptical or the treadmill and not worrying about anyone yelling they need something to drink or attempting to jump on with me or playing you can't get me with the moving parts of.. the elliptical. Or crawling up to the elliptical making the cutest little squeals with upstretched arms basically saying. Pick me up momma!! While I love the kids.. I miss working out!! I miss eating what I want and still watching the weight fall off. I miss feeling like I was winning the fight against the jiggle. I know there are exercises I can do with the kids but.. it's just not the same. I don't care what you say. It isn't. Add three to the mix and it's almost downright impossible. Try to benchpress one kid and another kid gets jealous. Try to do pushups over a kid playing peekaboo and another kid jumps on your back scaring the pee out of you because you're terrified you're about to crush the first kid thanks to the sudden added 30 lbs on your back. Nope.. not the same. I miss the gym.

One of the main reasons I had to give up the gym was time. I only have time to do it over my lunch hour. I can't do it after work because the kids are already at a sitter for almost 11 hours a day. I can't do it at lunch because I'm nursing. I thought about not nursing but apparently we are going camping and I've been told it would be alot more convenient if I just nursed for another month and a half for.. camping. Really? I'm going to continue to nurse so I can sleep on a cot in the middle of nowhere just so I can have a smore and flash my extended family because you know there is not a 10 month old baby that will keep a blanket on them in the middle of the summer while nursing and where is there privacy in camping? Sounds like a poorly thought out reason. The comfort of my pants.. now that's a more powerful reason to not nurse. That and the fact that the kid is 10 months and developing teeth. Also a pretty good stinkin reason.

So as I have this gym debate in my head and I curse out my mother and sister who suggest that whole.. well couldn't you just nurse until we get back? Sure you might get mosquitto bites on your boobs but really.. it would be alot more convenient. I have another gym issue. I have a fear of the gym buddy. Since I stopped going another person in the dept started going. She's nice.. very sweet.. slightly too nice.. slightly too sweet.. and she's the bosses spy. I can envision her picking the machine next to mine every stinking day and telling me stories I've already heard. If she doesn't then she will report the time I left, spent in the locker room, got dressed, and returned to my desk.

I may be doomed. Maybe I could switch departments and take on an entirely different job. It may be the only way I make it back to the gym. After the camping trip that is. *smacking my head*

12 June 2015

I exercised.. then this happened. Ok so I knew I would be busy last night taking the preteen to soccer practice so instead I decided to go for a 2 mile was over my lunch hour which was great.. except the sweaty armpits.. in a dark blue silky shirt.. that was slightly less great but I worked out so I was proud of myself despite being a hot mess the rest of the afternoon. Also we have a goose thing going on. The geese like us. We have a green space with a walking trail around work that the geese looooove. They also love to poop on the walking trail. So while I was walking a tiny man in spandex came up behind me but I had my earbuds in so I didn't hear him. Completely scared me into jumping into you guessed it.. goose poop. That's when hubby calls to tell me his new truck was ready to be picked up but we have to get there before 6:30.

Suddenly grandma is taking the preteen to soccer practice and I am taking a 3 yr old and a 10 month old to go pick up a new deisel truck.. at a dealership.. that is over an hour away. Yay? Oh and I'm still a hot mess with goose poop on the bottom of my shoe. I rush to pick up the boys, get them wrestled into the old truck as they scream. Little man want's soccer. Peanut just wants to be free. And they screamed.. yes.. the entire freaking way. At this point I am rocking in the front seat about to suck my thumb. The dealership took forever so little man got into every single freaking car, van, suv, and truck there. Add running around growling "get out of there" "stop it" "stop it" "So help you if you _____" with peanut on one hip attempting to suck my cheek. Seriously.. I'm lucky I didn't come to work today with a hicky.. on my cheek..or chin.. or eat. The kind was attempting to teeth on my face.

So we get the new truck. Hubby is in seventh heaven. Little man is screaming Pizza? Pizza? Da!! Pizza?!?!?!?!?! Me Pizzaaaaaaaaaaa. And peanut again.. is just screaming because he has no cheek to suck on. Weight loss motivation of the day? To be able to shimmy from the front seat to the backseat in the middle of a freeway with more grace. If I just lose 20-30 lbs.. I think I can do it without grunting, cursing under my breath, or mooning the car next to us when my gorgous butt crack comes sneaking out as I attempt to straddle the center divider.

So yes.. I had pizza last night. I even had a couple wings. The scale didn't go up though so obviously toddler chasing, growling, cheek sucking, truck aerobics does burn some sort of calories. Plus I was good for the majority of the day. I probably could have still managed to be good if we hadn't gotten home at 9pm with pizza and wings and two kids up past their bedtime on some sort of superhero added energy boost that lasted till 10pm. New deisel truck smells are dangerous around young impressional boys. Although.. little man went straight to the camero and said "Mine??" His dad was slightly horrified. I was slightly amused. Then he tried to climb into it... by hanging off the side mirror and throwing his feet through the window.. then I was slightly horrified.

11 June 2015

First I want to thank everyone for the kind words yesterday. You're all amazing and supportive and need to move closer to me. So we can go shopping for shoes.

Last night was.. better. Eating wasn't too bad minus a couple graham crackers. Which are graham crackers. Not a king size snickers bar. So not an amazing food day but not bad either. Working out.. didn't happen. Peanut was constipated which meant Peanut wanted to be carried and he considered the floor evil. The preteen had a soccer game so the boys and I dropped her off. Bought prunes at the local podunk grocery store. And I carried little man in his carrier while we chased little man around the playground.. which had a monsterous 3rd grader on it chucking rocks and kicking other kids. Since my presence on the playground didn't seem to phase him I mass texted his picture to all the soccer moms. One minute later a dad appeared and ordered him to the car. So yes.. I was that mom. Not the one that tells the kid to behave only to have him tell me off. I was the sneaky picture taking parent. On the bright side.. my boys may be nicknamed Monster 1 and Monster 2 but they appear to be perfect little angels in comparison.

So.. We got home at 8:45 pm. I was exhausted. Working out.. didn't happen. Tonight is soccer practice with the local college team until 8:30. I don't see a workout in my future tonight either. I suppose running around a playground with a 20 lb weight strapped to me chasing a 3 yr old yelling Mom. Mom! MOM! MOOOOOM! Look at me mom!! When I'm looking.. right at the little bugger.. as he runs to the next thing with his arms out on both sides going in opposite circles. I really need to figure out how he does that and doesn't end up landing on his face. If I could master that... omg. Can you imagine how badly I could embarrass the preteen with that?? It would be pure gold.

So yes.. journaling seems to help with funkness and bug guts. Eating right also appears to help. If I could just get the rest of my good habits to fall back in line I think I would be in pretty good sleep deprived shape.

10 June 2015

Journal Post Attempt #2. The condensed version. I don't know how to explain what's going on other than say I'm in a funk. It could be an exhausted funk or it could be a kinda depressed funk or it could be an I've hit the wall and I look like a squished bug on a windshield kinda funk. I'm in too much of a funk to figure it out. Eating sucks. Working out isn't in existance. And I don't know.. I just feel isolated and worn out. Stress the past few weeks has been at an all time high thanks to renters, insane contractor.. which I just found out is currently out on bail after he threatened me.. yay, and husband/farm so hey we're going to spend $150,000 this month.. you ok with that? Welcome to farm life. Nothing is cheap. Oh and preteen and the 5th grade graduation drama. Who knews shoes could cause so much stress! Shoe's usually help with stress. Turns out 5th grade graduation shoes.. cause stress. Gah! So far I have bought shoes, returned shoes, ordered shoes online, and now.. I'm threatening to bury her in the shoes that were ordered online. Thank goodness the dress is done. I hope.. I really really hope. If the shoes alter the dress decision.. she's going to graduation in a grain sack barefoot.

All this seems to be reminding me that I left my family and close friends 5 years ago. I have yet to find that same closeness around here. Sure I have friends.. but no one to go shoe shopping with or talk face to face with.. Or heck grab a coffee with. They are either busy, don't understand the whole kid thing, are at a different stage in life, or.. I don't know. I'm just not that close to them. Calling a friend on the phone just isn't the same as going to lunch with a friend. Where they could watch me smack my head on the table.... Or tell F bomb stories from little man attempting to not smile. It's isolating. And slightly depressing. And anytime I try to tell my husband he turns the subject to something else that will stress me out even more. Like buying something that costs more than I make in a year. For the love of everything green!

Today has been the first ray of sunshine. Literally.. the sun came out. I'm trying to get eating back in line. So far so good if you ignore the graham cracker I ate before I declared today was the day. I'm going to workout. It may be with a baby strapped to my back and a toddler playing chicken with the elliptical but I will workout. I need some sort of control over something. Right now I'm it. Even if I'm splattered on a wall feelin like bug guts I will have some sort of something.. After I take the preteen to soccer.. and make dinner.. and give the boys baths... and look at 1,000 possible pairs of new shoes for the 5th grade graduation... or see hubbies latest run down on the new truck he wants.. *smacking head*

I need to journal more. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so completely overwhelmed or like bug guts. I feel like bug guts.

10 June 2015

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