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15 August 2017

Something is eating at me today.. I'm not eating which is good but something is seriously bugging me. I got flowers at work yesterday. They didn't come with a name on them to tell me who they were from and they were not from who I expected. They were from my husband. My husband has never sent me flowers at work. In the 10 years that I have known him and the various jobs that I have had.. he has never sent me flowers. I should be happy right? I enjoy the flowers. They are beautiful and smell amazing. It's what they stand for that has me looking at them and reflecting on all of the decisions I have made. I didn't say thank you. I didn't take pictures of them and post them saying look what I got.. I just looked at them and thought long and hard.

This morning my husband comes up to me and says he's sorry. He forgot he sent them. He had tried to send flowers to me when the kids and I were on vacation and he hadn't listened to me when I had given him our plans. They were supposed to arrive on the day we left to go to the next place and he filled in the date wrong so I never got them. The florist felt bad so they gave him a free bouquet. Apparently these flowers were the make up flowers. All I could do was look at him. Really? He forgot sending them? I made a comment or asked why it took him so long to send me flowers at work. I don't know which. I'm really just stumbling through this in hopes of falling out the other end soon. His reply? Do you know how hard it was for me to find you work address?

Googling the name of the company I work for and address... was hard. So I asked someone.. is it hard? They came back in less than a minute with the address and had it marked on a map. Does he think all those years I worked full time, helped him on the farm, made him breakfast and dinner, took care of the kids, cleaned the house, made sure everyone was where they needed to be, reminded him of all his drs apts, picked him up his favorite candy bar at the store because the kids were picking out their favorites, driving a tractor on my day off, milking cows so he could have a night off and go bowling then out to dinner with his buddies... all this while I worked, came home, never went out, never got gifts on special occasions, never got any help what so ever and if I complained.. I was never once heard. Because nothing EVER changed. He recently told me when things got bad I would blow up. But he knew I would be ok after I blew up. Seriously?? After I got to the point where I was screaming, sobbing, and be a complete and utter wreck.. that meant things would be ok because after I was done and pulled myself together I would be calm again. No buddy.. I would blow up and our marriage would die a little bit each time. Because nothing EVER changed.

Relationships are NOT easy. I made it easy for him. That's on me. I had this idea that in a relationship you try to never let your partner down, you try to build them up and help them succeed, and when everything went to s##t.. you get right down next to your partner in that s##t until both of you pull yourselves out together. That to me.. is a marriage. That is a partnership. That is the happily freaking ever after. I never got that. Not once with him. When I took a leap and switched jobs to further my career I was told I better not screw up because I won't have a job to pay my bills. When I would approach him and try to have a relationship I was laughed at and my hands were slapped away. My needs, my desires, my dreams.. they have always taken a back seat. Apparently it's just too hard to give a damn. And the sad part is I let that happen. I let myself not be important.

Right now he is doing things he never did. Why? Because he knows I'm gone. I'm done. He's afraid of being alone. Does he love me? Maybe? Maybe in some twisted F'd up way. But I'm done. The marriage we had, the feelings I had, the future we could have had? It's dead. All those blow ups, all those times I never got anything in return, all those times I took the back seat to his needs, all those times my needs were ignored. THAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE. There is NO getting that back. I'm just as much to blame. I accept that. I'm learning from that. Maybe someday I will get my happily ever after with someone who doesn't find looking up a damn address as being too hard for someone they care about.

11 August 2017

I will be cutting out all the white crap and going Lower Carb starting on Monday. I plan to slowly get myself in gear over the weekend. I'm going to go shopping for tons of veggies and healthy foods, get rid of the crap that only I eat or that the kids eat and I'm tempted by, and make the candy bowl disappear at work. Yesterday I officially became a gym member at work.... It's go time.

I may not have a lot of control over things right now but thanks to some great advice I think concentrating on my health and diet will improve all the other areas of my life. At least it will make me more mellow.. without the sugar highs I may not feel like strangling certain people. Oh who am I kidding? I will still feel like strangling certain people but my pants will fit while I do it.

That's that. I've said it. Now I expect everyone to call me out when I log marshmallows in my food log. Or um.. the kids fruit snacks.. Or the smarties... seriously those things are like crack. Or soft pretzels. I blame the pretzel place in the mall for that. They lured me in and then became my dealer while school clothes shopping with my daughter. I also noticed they are strategically placed outside of Aero, Hollister, Abercrombie.... It's on purpose. It has to be on purpose. Sure honey.. you go in and pick out clothes.. I will eat my pretzel and then I will say no because the clothes don't cover your butt cheeks.. you will pout.. I will buy you an over priced t-shirt with the name of the store on it. Yup... Thankfully only 1 child is old enough to realize what a brand is. On the other hand when you shop with a child that is a size 00 you get to go into stores you can't buy clothes in because you're too big and you realize what you're missing out on.

So todays attempt at getting healthy is brought to you by overpriced motivation, a marriage that is going down the crapper, and my scale telling me I'm back in the 200's. Screw you scale!!

08 August 2017

Is aggressive breathing yoga while sipping wine a thing? If it isn't a thing then it needs to be a thing. I would sign up in a heartbeat.

I stress eat. Anyone looking at yesterdays log can tell that I stress eat. Bread is a comfort food, pasta is a comfort food... anything chewy, fluffy, crispy, sweet, sour.. mmmm food. ALL FOOD is a comfort food. So I ate. I did come in 500 calories under what I ate to technically I'm going in the right direction but I didn't need to eat 2000 calories. I did workout for a half hour so that helped.

Now I would just like to pass on some advice to anyone in a relationship..
Asking someone to breed your cow is not a bonding experience. If you think asking someone to breed a cow is a bonding experience well then.. I seriously have no clue. I haven't bred a cow in 5 years because I was told I was wasting a $30 straw every time I tried so I stopped trying. I have no plans to start doing it now. It isn't as if breeding a cow is in my top 10 things of fun things to do.

If you have never written poetry. EVER. And if you have never seen your partner of 8 years read poetry. Just don't.... Nooo... Not a good idea. Anything you rhyme with my mother... no.. for the love of everything. NO I should appreciate the effort and find it sweet but there was this guy I dated in college who would leave me decapitated flowers and a poem on my pillow every night.. super creepy. Now poetry is just creepy. I'm pretty sure I shared this story once or twice before... I still got a poem in my car. Creepy. Killer clown level creepy. Huh.. I think I just figured out I probably have a phobia of poetry.. I wonder if that's a thing.

Anywho.... I have the paperwork filled out for the gym. I'm doing it. I can sign up for 6 months and only pay $105. Plus they have yoga classes so I can try a new class. Even if I only go 2 days a week it will be worth it. Plus they have weight equipment. Next time I'm freaked out by creepy killer clown level poetry I can lift weights and wonder. WTF. Why would a man who has never ever shown any poetic side suddenly develop one in an attempt to... I don't know. I really don't know. Has anyone read a poem and said YES YES YES TAKE ME NOW!!! ? I seriously doubt it. Even if they didn't have a phobia of poetry. I also have a phobia of zombies... I'm probably not all that sane. Would normal people like poetry? Huh...

Anyways... Something good did happen today. I mentioned joining the gym to a friend and he said.. "You look great just the way you are." I melted. I know what I look like. I know I don't look great. I look like a middle age woman who has had 3 kids, has zero time to herself, and is fighting a losing battle to the jiggle. Still.. someone thinks I look great just the way I am. Someone who has seen me in a swimsuit. All white legs with no tan, cellulite, muffin top, lovin muffins and eating too many back fat muffin top... you get the idea. It was not pretty. I almost did a cannon ball into the pool to get out of view asap. But the wave would have probably washed my kids away.. just sayin.

07 August 2017

I am attempting to take baby steps back to normalcy. It's really freaking hard to pretend you're getting back to normal when all along you've probably been insane. My first step today is logging everything I've eaten and drinking lots and lots of water. It also involves me grabbing my head a lot and chanting things like "Just stop" "Why? Why? Why?" and most recently "What the F? Seriously.. What the F??". I'm not positive.. but I think food stresses me out. The thought of eating less makes me want to eat more. The thought of eventually giving up carbs makes me crave hot pretzels.. I did give up sugar. JUST sugar. On Saturday. No candy, cookies, or.. um sugar. Although I did have extra extra coffee creamer this morning. Why? I don't know... That's why I grabbed my head and chanted "Why? Why? Why?" That's the diet side of things.

I'm still going back and forth on joining the work gym. I'm not sure if I have time. I know it would help a lot with stress and dealing with things but it could also be a waste of $200. Ehh..... I'm leaning towards yes.. someone push me before I start chanting something about squats and dumb bells.

Home life... Just shoot me. I just typed out a big ol thing and deleted it because it got way too personal. Short story is... having someone finally decide to try when they took everything for granted the entire time you were married.. sucks. It doesn't cause a yay warm fuzzy feeling! It makes you rehash all of the rejection and pain again and again and again. All those things you forgot or forgave.. they come back. After years in a relationship with someone who literally checked out, they didn't care or want me, and I decided I couldn't live like that. Now they are going for broke and saying and doing things they should have done from the very beginning. It feels false. It makes me realize that I wasn't even in his top 5 when it came to things that were important.. I was just too blind and stupid to see that. I stopped considering myself important or worthy. That's not a healthy relationship. This is not a healthy relationship.

03 August 2017

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