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25 January 2018

Weigh-in: 213.9 lb lost so far: 1.9 lb still to go: 73.9 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) on diet DairyFarmersWife's own diet   losing 0.1 lb a week

24 January 2018

Is it possible to have eating ADD? I can concentrate on a lot of things.. eating right doesn't seem to be one of them.

Me: Today's the day! One hour later.. Oh look. Pita bread. I haven't had a pita in FOREVER. Proceeds to eat pita bread.

Me: Ok.. my pants don't fit, I'm constantly tired, and I'm sick and tired of looking this way. Today there are no excuses. Feeling good, positive vibes, I can do this.. Co-worker craps all over my day. Screw this crap.. eats chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Throws plans to go to the gym out the window due to a new found feeling of stress and overwhelming and wanting to punt co-worker into next Tuesday.

Me: Plan plan plan, meal prep meal prep meal prep, pack the gym bag. Realize I hate all the meals I planned and prepped and face plant on any motivation to see a gym.

WHY??? WHY can't I find the motivation, the grove, or even the freakin wagon? The wagon is gone! There is no more wagon. My butt has taken over in it's quest to be the one in charge. At this point even the tiny one day at a time things are failing.

Can I have a keeper? I need someone to keep me accountable, in line, and who will physically slap things out of my hand. Or slap me upside the head. I need an assistant, a babysitter, a motivator, a mental health checker, a straight jacket, a candy stealer.. For the love of manure something has got to change.

Ok.. I'm done having my tiny breakdown.. I will go log my food and curse pitas now.

18 January 2018

I have been meditating every day. Eating mindfully with only whole good foods. Keeping my stress levels on a pretty good plain despite the deadlines at work, the demands at home, the constant stress between my husband and I. I was doing soooooo good. 3 days. I made it 3 days. Then.. the universe tested me and I failed.

Last night on the way home I get a call from my husband who says he needs to go to the emergency room. Ok... why? He was squatting, stood up, and twisted his knee. Ok.... Is anyone around? Yes. Can they help you out of the barn? No no... he's got it. He will crawl if he has to. Me: 1st Eyeroll I call his doctor the ortho place is still open and has after hours so I decide to take him there. Not the emergency room he keeps insisting he needs.

I get home. Kids are screaming DAD's HURT!!! Awesome. You freaked out the kids. He's gotten to the house on his own, taken a shower, changed his clothes, and doesn't seem to be ready to pass out. Knee? It looks normal. Ok.. lets go. Nope can't. He has to call everyone and their brother to tell them he's injured (bowling buddies, his mom, etc.) Me: Eyerolls 2-22

We drive there.. seems fine. Roads are crap due to snow, I hit a few bumps.. fine. I hit one more. GASP in pain. Me: Eyeroll We get to the doctors office. I throw him out at the curb, point out the wheel chairs conveniently placed RIGHT THERE. Right next to the door. A whole row of them. Dozens to choose from. I park. Walk back. He's walking to checkin. Seemingly in soooooooo much pain. He wants me to check him in and they send us to another waiting room. The front desk girl gets ready to get him one of the wheel chairs. He insists he can walk. At this point his is lunging forward on his good leg, arms flying out to his side, insisting he can "suffer through it". I may or may not have muttered words under my breath the nurse gave me a weird look for saying.

So they ask him. Did this just happen. He says no. He says he's been having issues for years and years.. in his other non hurt leg. But the other side just happened. I about bit my tongue off. At this point. I'm keeping my mouth shut. I'm not sure if there is a spouse abuse hotline but I'm pretty sure they would have turned me in. They try to get him a wheelchair again.. again he says no and walks even worse than before. At this point he looks like one of the boys when they stub their toe a little and insist their entire leg is broken to which I tell them to suck it up. He limps to xray. Also at this point I figured out I am a horrible uncompassionate person. I'm questioning if he is even injured at all or if this is just some weird adult male I need attention crap. We get to xray. He sits there. Seems fine. He's moving his leg back and forth, bending it, straightening it, bending it again. Then he drags himself into xray. Comes back out walking 10 times worse than before which seems amazing but was still possible.

In the exam room he says how horrible it was and proceeds to stand in a squat position and says. They made me stand like this and it was the worst pain I felt in my entire life. Me: Blink.. twitch Keeps telling the doctor he can't straighten his leg. It's too painful. He has to keep it bent.

Nothing broken, maybe a torn meniscus but they have to do a mri later to tell. They give him crutches.. which he walks out with.. leg out straight in front of him. Nurse says "sir you need to keep your leg bent behind you or you will fall." To which he replies... "I know... I can't bend my knee." Me.. Huh.. I'm pretty sure I have no soul. Nada.. zero compassion at this point.

This doesn't even include the ride home where he insists on walking into cvs to get a wrap the doctor never said he needed. Without the crutches. Then insists he can't make it out of the store. I began questioning the choices I have made in my life. Oh and I ate two pieces of pizza the kids made while we were on our adventure. Totally face planted that whole I'm going to eat healthy thing. At 8:30 after not eating since noon I said screw it.

Update.. this morning he cannot walk AT ALL. He still had to go to the barn to talk to the farm hand. Had to. Somehow managed the ladder in the manure pit and climbed into the biggest tractor we have... Me? I'm still questioning where my soul went and questioning my choices in life.

17 January 2018

Weigh-in: 214.0 lb lost so far: 1.8 lb still to go: 74.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet DairyFarmersWife's own diet   gaining 1.3 lb a week

11 January 2018

I'm not weighing in this week because I have convinced myself that not weighing in is probably being kinder to myself than actually weighing in. Yes.. I have probably gained all the weight I lost back. Yes.. I lost my freaking mind multiple times. Yes.. I ate ice cream, fast food, and pizza way more than is probably recommended. On the plus side. I worked out multiple times. Then I made a mistake of working out in boy shorts which I THOUGHT was fine. Until about 15 minutes into my workout. Then I figured well it's not THAT bad. Then I discovered that yes you can get a blister on your butt from boy shorts if you're all motivated and you think I can work through this because I'm all motivated and crap. I learned a valuable lesson. Listen to your body. When your body tells you the scale is an evil thing that can have nothing but bad news and make you super upset. Listen to it. I'm not positive and I'm apparently not very bright when it comes to this whole I'm going to change my life thing but I'm pretty sure being upset at myself and angry at the scale is not going to help me. That may just be me.

Anyways... Since telling myself that I was going to get in shape and be the best healthy me that I can caused a blister and derailment I'm jumping back on track and realizing that I need to look at a bigger picture.

Stress triggers me. I have a high stress job now. I am becoming a more negative, unhappy, cursing, emotional, crazy lady. I know this about myself. I also know that until I find a balance, a place of peace, a way to enjoy life, and a combination lock for the bathroom (oh and sound proofing so I can't hear the "Mom? Mom? Mom are you in there? Mom? Mom? I need water." OH or they have to pee. It never fails. The second I have got to go someone else always has to go. It's like they have bladder radar).

I forgot where all this was going. Long story short. Still trying to be healthy, take care of myself, and find inner peace while totally losing my cow poop all over the place. I mean ALLLLLL over the place. Grocery store, school parking lot, the barn, the kitchen, the bathroom, work, in front of the vending machine at work when I realize not only am I in front of the D@#$ vending machine at work but the evil vending machine people are now charging me 2.25 for something I shouldn't be eating in the first place!! Oh and then it stole a dollar. Do not mess with a woman with a blister on her butt who wants chocolate and is going through a midlife crises who has decided to find her zen. Just sayin...

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