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22 August 2014

It's official. Operation Get This Child Out of Me has begun. My doctors cheerful parting words to me were "Maybe next Friday." then she shut the door.. before I could chuck my shoe at her.. They want me to go in twice a week for fetal monitoring then after next week they will decide if I should be induce.. or just keep monitoring.

Maybe going to the gym while you're pregnant is a bad thing. Apparently I now have a uterus of steel. And a stubborn child. The two combined means I'm not having this child anytime soon.. At least.. that's what they think. This is why operation GET THIS CHILD OUT OF ME.. is on! Tonight I'm going marathon grocery shopping.. because well.. that's what got little man out. The elliptical is coming back downstairs tonight. Where I can use it.. all freaking weekend long. Someone said exercise would put me into labor. The state fair is this week.. something spicy there has to work or maybe just walking all day long will work. Maybe I can go see the cow birthing center and add something to the exhibit.. if my water breaks there can I have lifetime passes to the fair???

Somethings got to work. The kid is done. I saw pictures. There's no reason for him not to come out. I just need to give him some motivation.

22 August 2014

21 August 2014

It's official. My prediction of having a child with facial hair is going to happen. Mostly because he's unwilling to come out.. ever.. apparently. You'd think all the squats milking cows, walking around the barn, moving gates, carrying around calf pails full of milk, cleaning the house from top to bottom because we have company coming tonight, and running around like a crazy woman would help speed up the process. It hasn't. The only thing I have successfully done is given myself a fat lip! That.. I kind of asked for though.

Note to self.. stop cursing. We obviously live in the middle of nowhere. When you live on a dairy farm it's kind of a given that you don't have close neighbors. Everything is on a back road and we live in upstate ny where there are hills, curves, etc. Well when I was pulling hay wagons out of the field the other day I had to take one of these back roads past Pastor Portney's home. He's a lovely old man. I believe he's in his 90s. He lives on a tiny farm where he sells sweet corn. He also lives on a curve. So everyone and their brother stops to buy some, talk to the pastor, and check out his stand.. which currently has 2 giant umbrellas, a spotlight, decorations, two categories of corn.. fresh and freezer.. and cucks. I think these are cucumbers.. maybe? Who knows. So I attempt to pull past the corn stand which has two trucks parked in front of it blocking half my lane. I don't see anything coming in the opposite direction but again.. its on a curve. I get halfway around the curve and a truck going 80 mph comes flying around the curve. Because well.. it's in the middle of nowhere. People tend to speed where cops don't even bother to go. I of course.. yell F###! In front of Pastor Portney... Windows down.. right.. in.. front.. of the corn stand and the Pastor. Who married us, is like a family member to hubbies family, blesses everyone every time he see's them, army vet, pastor.. I'm sure he's probably heard worse.. but I still immediately bit my lip, got around the other driver.. and woke up with a swollen fat lip the next day. Moral of the story?? Don't say F###! In front of a very sweet 90 yr old pastor.

So now.. I'm 1 day from my due, I've given up cursing hopefully right before I attempt to push a tiny human out into this world, tonight? maybe? please!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!, and.. well.. that's all I've got. I'm walking like crazy, not eating a whole lot because there's no room, weight is steady, and.. I want crab rangoons.

20 August 2014

blink blink.. twitch

In case you were curious.. Pulling hay wagons from a field requiring you to climb in and out of a giant diesel farm truck about 100 times.. does not induce labor. Bouncing around on back roads while pulling hay wagons at a whopping 25 mph does not induce labor. Ice cream does not induce labor. Standing all morning long and doing squats every 10 minutes isn't doing the trick either. Apparently the weather is suppose to be good for another stretch over the weekend though so I have until Friday to have the baby.. then the husband says he is cutting down more hay for 3rd cutting.. so I better get a move on it.. Insert death stare here.

Now that all that is covered.. I've decided birth is like watching water boil. It's never going to happen if I keep waiting for it. So instead.. I'm looking forward to the future.. as in my future straight jacket or weight loss goals. Whichever comes first. I think setting goals now when I have to be rational about the whole thing will make them more realistic. So far my ultimate goal is to get down to 125 lbs. I'm 5' that's it.. stop waiting for the inches because they aren't coming. I figure 125 is pretty good given I have to keep a muscular frame for kids, cows, wrestling,.. and um boobs. My other goals are... to sit on a toilet seat without hanging over. Is this realistic? Does this happen after age 10?? I want to be able to do a pull up. Because well.. I never could and that whole PE accessment thing in high school still haunts me. Luckily I didn't fart while attempting it. I had nightmares I would fart.. we've all heard the stories.. it could have happened. So pull ups.. without straining so badly I fart. Yup. Eh.. that's all I got. Now I'm obsessed with farting.

I wonder how many people let a loud one rip while giving birth? You hear the poo stories. No one talks about the fart stories. It's gotta happen!

19 August 2014

Dear Baby (who still currently has no name),
Get out!
Thank you,
Your mother

Slight uptick in weight again. Still under 205 though! It seems wrong to be joyous to not be over 205.. but there it is. I think with little man I almost reached 220. I'm pretty sure at least 3.5 lbs of it is the half a watermelon I ate last night. That's my story at least. It could also be the sausage biscuits and gravy I had for breakfast yesterday... Or it could be the fact that I haven't been to the gym since last Thursday. I believe I may have been slightly addicted. I now look at co-workers coming into work with their gym bags on their shoulders with jealousy. I'm tempted to find one about my size and snatch their bag so I can go run on a treadmill for 10 minutes. News at 11.. strange round woman suspected in a string of gym bag thefts.

It's suppose to be nice out though so today I'm walking laps around the office in hopes this kid decides to arrive sometime today. I had random contractions last night but nothing that went anywhere.. just enough to remind me.. Oh CRAP! This is going to hurt like a mother.... There was more to that thought but I'm attempting to not curse again. Little man is now running around the house yelling the F word.. and panting. Apparently I pant when I feel a contraction. I would tense up.. pant.. little man would pant.. then he would yell ow.. F word! I still don't think hubby has a clue what was going on. He was too busy watching Dallas trying to come up with a name for the baby. Or so he says.. I think he just wanted to watch Dallas. Little man on the other hand found the whole thing very entertaining. I just hope he doesn't start panting today.. at daycare.. dropping the F bomb.

Tonight.. it's the elliptical at home. I don't care if I have to tip the farm hand to carry it down from upstairs and put it in the middle of the kitchen. After today the hay is baled and this kid has no reason to wait. I don't care what his father says. Get out!

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