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08 August 2017

Is aggressive breathing yoga while sipping wine a thing? If it isn't a thing then it needs to be a thing. I would sign up in a heartbeat.

I stress eat. Anyone looking at yesterdays log can tell that I stress eat. Bread is a comfort food, pasta is a comfort food... anything chewy, fluffy, crispy, sweet, sour.. mmmm food. ALL FOOD is a comfort food. So I ate. I did come in 500 calories under what I ate to technically I'm going in the right direction but I didn't need to eat 2000 calories. I did workout for a half hour so that helped.

Now I would just like to pass on some advice to anyone in a relationship..
Asking someone to breed your cow is not a bonding experience. If you think asking someone to breed a cow is a bonding experience well then.. I seriously have no clue. I haven't bred a cow in 5 years because I was told I was wasting a $30 straw every time I tried so I stopped trying. I have no plans to start doing it now. It isn't as if breeding a cow is in my top 10 things of fun things to do.

If you have never written poetry. EVER. And if you have never seen your partner of 8 years read poetry. Just don't.... Nooo... Not a good idea. Anything you rhyme with my mother... no.. for the love of everything. NO I should appreciate the effort and find it sweet but there was this guy I dated in college who would leave me decapitated flowers and a poem on my pillow every night.. super creepy. Now poetry is just creepy. I'm pretty sure I shared this story once or twice before... I still got a poem in my car. Creepy. Killer clown level creepy. Huh.. I think I just figured out I probably have a phobia of poetry.. I wonder if that's a thing.

Anywho.... I have the paperwork filled out for the gym. I'm doing it. I can sign up for 6 months and only pay $105. Plus they have yoga classes so I can try a new class. Even if I only go 2 days a week it will be worth it. Plus they have weight equipment. Next time I'm freaked out by creepy killer clown level poetry I can lift weights and wonder. WTF. Why would a man who has never ever shown any poetic side suddenly develop one in an attempt to... I don't know. I really don't know. Has anyone read a poem and said YES YES YES TAKE ME NOW!!! ? I seriously doubt it. Even if they didn't have a phobia of poetry. I also have a phobia of zombies... I'm probably not all that sane. Would normal people like poetry? Huh...

Anyways... Something good did happen today. I mentioned joining the gym to a friend and he said.. "You look great just the way you are." I melted. I know what I look like. I know I don't look great. I look like a middle age woman who has had 3 kids, has zero time to herself, and is fighting a losing battle to the jiggle. Still.. someone thinks I look great just the way I am. Someone who has seen me in a swimsuit. All white legs with no tan, cellulite, muffin top, lovin muffins and eating too many back fat muffin top... you get the idea. It was not pretty. I almost did a cannon ball into the pool to get out of view asap. But the wave would have probably washed my kids away.. just sayin.

07 August 2017

I am attempting to take baby steps back to normalcy. It's really freaking hard to pretend you're getting back to normal when all along you've probably been insane. My first step today is logging everything I've eaten and drinking lots and lots of water. It also involves me grabbing my head a lot and chanting things like "Just stop" "Why? Why? Why?" and most recently "What the F? Seriously.. What the F??". I'm not positive.. but I think food stresses me out. The thought of eating less makes me want to eat more. The thought of eventually giving up carbs makes me crave hot pretzels.. I did give up sugar. JUST sugar. On Saturday. No candy, cookies, or.. um sugar. Although I did have extra extra coffee creamer this morning. Why? I don't know... That's why I grabbed my head and chanted "Why? Why? Why?" That's the diet side of things.

I'm still going back and forth on joining the work gym. I'm not sure if I have time. I know it would help a lot with stress and dealing with things but it could also be a waste of $200. Ehh..... I'm leaning towards yes.. someone push me before I start chanting something about squats and dumb bells.

Home life... Just shoot me. I just typed out a big ol thing and deleted it because it got way too personal. Short story is... having someone finally decide to try when they took everything for granted the entire time you were married.. sucks. It doesn't cause a yay warm fuzzy feeling! It makes you rehash all of the rejection and pain again and again and again. All those things you forgot or forgave.. they come back. After years in a relationship with someone who literally checked out, they didn't care or want me, and I decided I couldn't live like that. Now they are going for broke and saying and doing things they should have done from the very beginning. It feels false. It makes me realize that I wasn't even in his top 5 when it came to things that were important.. I was just too blind and stupid to see that. I stopped considering myself important or worthy. That's not a healthy relationship. This is not a healthy relationship.

03 August 2017

02 August 2017

I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure I'm gaining weight. I refuse to let the scale tell me I'm gaining weight so it's just a guess based on my pants latest attempt to strangle me to death. I'm kind of surprised a button didn't fly off and kill someone yesterday. I survived. My coworkers survived.. the nice kid at the ice cream stand survived.

Today is a better day. So far today I haven't slipped or cheated or worked out. Working 60 hours a week is making a workout next to impossible to fit in so instead I am trying to concentrate on getting my food on track. I can do an amazing job keeping my food on track. That is.. until I go home. The second I go home I find myself grinding my teeth, dreading any interaction with my husband, and well.. I'm usually exhausted and my give a crap is broken because of the hours I'm working and the stress I'm under both at work and ending a relationship.

Take Monday night for instance.. he wanted to talk. We've talked. We've talked about a dozen times. He drove me down into a freshly cut hay field where I'm silently thinking "yup.. kill me here, drag my body into the swamp, tell the officers I ran off with some guy" my next thought was.. "if he cared why is he driving me out into the middle of a field with rag weed that he has to know I'm allergic to by now that is going to mess with my sinuses all week?" Well we talked.. in the middle of rag weed. He asked why I married him, why I was leaving him, and then proceeded to tell me he was going to not care what anyone thought anymore and only think of himself and make himself happy. If I stuck around then great. Um... the marriage is ending because I got tired of being the ONLY one that did anything and no one giving a flying duck about me or my feelings or my needs or thinking of me as more than a cook/farmhand/cleaning lady/laundry minion. So I'm still confused. What part of that is different?? What part of that was supposed to make me jump up and down in joy and say Oh yes!! Please let me stay! All it did was make me shake my head and silently think "yup.. making the right choice." If he can make that comment after I just said and I quote because I've said it enough times that I can quote it.. "I stopped feeling like I was your wife. I became your farmhand, your cook, your housekeeper, and the mother to your children but you stopped treating me like I was important to you and I stopped feeling like you even cared about me." I mean seriously? Seriously? I communicate for a living. I like to think I can get a message across to pretty much anyone. Maybe I should rethink my successful career of 15 years because obviously I've either failed or ... I'm at a loss. I have no freakin clue. Just typing this I find myself grinding my teeth. After our um.. well I guess it was a talk. People talked even if no one communicated. I ate.. a lot. I ate again the next night when I saw him and he acted as if nothing was wrong. I ate again when he got his new cell phone, hooked it up wrong, and expected me to fix it. And then just for the heck of it. I got ice cream with sprinkles because sprinkles are well... sprinkly.

Now I'm determined not to let this man completely ruin me. I will take his advice and do things to make myself happy and not think of anyone else. I will not eat sprinkles. I will eat in line with how active I am. I will eat good healthy foods so I'm good and healthy. I will look towards the future and not the past.. I will set up a DairyFarmersWife challenge in the near future so I'm forced to be accountable with an audience and include things like aggressive breathing meditations, Benadryl fueled workouts because of talks.. in the middle of ragweed, and.. avoiding sprinkles.. not cursing about sprinkles in front of the Amish.. and not cursing out the giant donuts that the Amish make that are as big as your face and fried in lard and make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven.

27 July 2017

Now that I'm back from vacation I am slowly getting back on track. I weighed in this morning at 199.8. When you consider not tracking what I ate while I was on vacation I think this small bump is actually a victory. Vacation was glorious. We visited my mom for a few days and then headed up towards Chicago to visit friends. Just being able to forget all the stress and drama at home was a blessing. I really didn't want to come home. If I could have stayed I think I would have. Unfortunately I'm a grown up and I have these responsibility things and tiny humans that rely on me and they missed home.

On the diet front.. I'm getting back into healthy eating and will probably join the gym at the new job as soon as I settle into things. I have my last yoga class in the session tonight and I can switch to taking classes at the new gym for a change of pace. Plus I'm working 60 hours a week and that doesn't leave a whole lot of time to be bored and mindlessly eat.

On the home front.. Can someone lend me $300,000? I found a house that is absolutely heaven but I can't afford it. I'm looking into places to move into as my marriage is currently exploding. I know I've never really written a lot about my marriage or our issues. Here and there I would but I've always considered a marriage to be a sacred private thing. Now that I'm done and I have to defend my reasoning to people since I'm the one that's saying I'm done... if I wasn't mature I would just fill several pages with reasons, copy them, laminate them... and hand them out.
Item #1... My husband refused to touch me or have sex with me for 2 years. I blamed myself at first and developed serious body issues but then I realized that some men actually find me attractive and my husband just didn't love me anymore. Now I just hope those muscles haven't atrophied and in a weird paranoid web search I learned lack of sex can create pee squirts. Thanks sexless marriage.

My husband doesn't want the divorce. He thinks after years and years of me saying I'm unhappy and pleading to him care and trying to make things work but nothing ever changed that I should keep trying because well.. now he wants to try. Now that I'm resentful, angry, and under the assumption that anyone who loved me wouldn't have treated me that way. They would have cared about me. They would have remembered my birthday, bought me an xmas gift, found the dish washer, picked up dinner for the kids when I was sick, responded to my text messages, held my hand, took me out to dinner once in a blue moon, gone on date nights, thought of me occasionally instead of only thinking of themselves.. I don't know who this person is but they sound like a Greek god. He says I need to communicate (because all those times that I would be in hysterical tears standing in front of him while he told me I was wrong didn't count), I need to try more (because all those things that I did in an effort to make him happier, make things easier for him, relationship books I read and tried, attempts to get him to see I was upset, all those suggestions I made like date night where he spent the ONE date night on his phone the entire time.. well those also didn't count apparently), and all those times that I told him I'm feeling ____ because of this.. or I'm unhappy and I can't live like this or I hate my f##kin life.. All those comments also don't count. So you know what? I gave up. I stopped trying. Then I decided I had enough and I could find happiness either on my own or with someone who loved and appreciated me. Which to be honest.. I haven't felt from my husband in years. Now I'm just a bitter, angry, resentful short chick who has to resist the urge to flip people off. Because flipping people off feels really freakin good.

Maybe I should take my anger and do something productive.. like lift weights or take a spin class. Yoga is great.. but.. well.. I'm feeling a little bit violent at the suggestion that I'm the one that needs to try now that he finally gives a flying duck. Ok end of vent.. thank you for reading. Who am I kidding? I will vent more later.

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