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27 May 2015

I am exhausted. I don't have a reason to be exhausted. I just am. I need one of those mental health days where I take the boys to the sitter, lock the bedroom door, and sleep for as long as I want. I never do. I lay there for 10 minutes thinking of all the things I have to do then get up. Maybe this is why I'm exhausted.

Mindfulness? Out the window. Kitkats are the in thing these days. I need to get down to 180 by the end of next month.. I need to refind my zen.. er mindfulness.. or just the ability to stop cramming food in my pie hole. My hand currently smells like some salt/garlic combo from my lunch. This is helping... maybe I just have to put strange smelling lotion on my hands. It will keep me from eating and keep coworkers at a distance.

I'm going to pass out on my desk now. If I'm snoring.. I'm not eating. Maybe I will dream I'm running and burn a couple extra calories twitching.

22 May 2015

I'm so proud of myself. I worked out for 20 minutes last night. Then peanut figured out how to climb over the clothes basket I had set up to keep him away from the elliptical. The thing is he figured out how to face plant into the basket of clean clothes then proceeded to attempt to chew his way out.. I think it was all a ploy because the second I picked him up he refused to be put back down. This kid is spiderman. Once he's stuck on there is no getting him off. Then I discovered he got his very first tooth!!! When he bit me. So we decided to mow the rest of the lawn while he drooled/chewed/licked my shoulder from his carrier.

All in all.. it was a great night! Mostly because there was no soccer practice, no game, no concert, no parts pickups, or errands to run, no nothin!! Do you have any idea how unbelievably rare that is?? I made a dinner.. in an oven. I did laundry. I did dishes. By 7 pm I was walking around the house randomly just trying to figure out what to do. I found this device called a tv and watched some Wayward Pines show.. well kind of.. my inability to sit from years of not sitting had me thinking it was over half way though so I took a shower only to discover it was still on when I got out. Son of a biscuit!

My zenfullness was zenful. Wow.. zenful is kinda boring. The highlight of my night was sitting on a couch and getting my shoulder molested by a 9 month old.

21 May 2015

Yesterday I had a phone meeting with my health coach from work. I'm not positive but I think I may have caused her head to explode. My goal is 180. So she asks what I weigh. I have no clue. The scale is not in my focus right now. I'm focused more on what my body tells me than what the scale says. Hehehehehe She want's to know if I think I will reach 180 by the deadline. Um.. I think so.

Next she asks how the food tracking is going. I'm not. I stopped counting calories and fat and carbs and instead just eat healthy until I'm satisfied. WHAT?!?! lol Do I think I will reach my goal by deadline? Yeah I think so.

Exercise? Still exercising 5 days a week?? Nope. It was too stressful and not very enjoyable so I quit.. I will try to add it in if I can but I'm not stressing over it..

LMAO I swear I left the woman speechless. Then she tries to motivate me with a story about a guy that went vegan and he lost alot of weight. Oh I'm not going vegan.. I like bacon.. alot. Again.. speechless. She set up another meeting for 3 weeks.

I suppose I should have taken mercy on her and told her my clothes fit better and I was noticing differences but the whole "Don't worry man!" attitude was way more fun. Then last night I fell off the wagon and bought a bag of Reeeses and polished them off myself. I blame this on an expected quiet evening only to find out a soccer game was rescheduled, peanut is teething, little man was just plain being nasty, hubby was pissed the farm hand just didn't show up yesterday morning,... you name it.. it happened kinda night. This morning wasn't much better. There was alot of yelling. Alot of old habits. Not a single speck of zen. I got to work, ate a healthy breakfast, meditated, and.. all is zenful again. So a tiny slip in the awareness world but.. well.. that's life. I just need more practice and less health coach. Because well.. I'm Spiderman! Oh yeah!

20 May 2015

I'm spiderman. Oh Yeah!! I've heard this about 304 times over the last 3 days. It's usually followed by some karate moves and an attempt on little man's part to kill his sister. I know a good mother would say "No no buddy.. we don't hit!" But.. well.. it's funny and no one has been seriously injured yet. My new awareness let me watch all this, laugh, and shrug my shoulders when the "MOOOOOOooooooooooom!" yelling started. If they don't manage to kill one another then they will become hardy adults some day.

I'm actually doing pretty well. Following the advice to try to eat lighter, fresher, less processed foods. Trying to make my meals colorful and flavorful. Meditating 2 times a day. Starting today I'm also going to try to add 3 days of exercising. I've been slacking in that department. Instead of pressing myself saying I have to workout I've just been waiting to see if I have time. If I don't then I don't stress. I know working out would help me feel better though so I'm going to try. It might just be chasing spiderman and his sister through a field as the fight scene moves outside but it will be something. Until then.. I'm using the term "I'm spiderman!" at work. I've also told my co-worker in crime so she is using it too. Sure our boss thinks we're nuts but.. well.. she's no fun anyways.

18 May 2015

Meditation on a weekend on a farm with 3 kids and work to do is impossible. I tried. Heck I even tried when we were all in the car headed to the grocery store. I figured if I could tune out the battle in the back seat over window control then I would be golden but then I got the "What's wrong?" from hubby. "No really.. what's wrong." I haven't told him about my zentastic journey of self awareness yet. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm about 98% sure he would think I was becoming a hippy. As it is he's now suspicious because I haven't been yelling at the kids as much. lol

So.. saturday was challenging. Saturday became more challenging when the preteen went to a slumber party and the family had filled the home with sugar filled yummy deliciousness. It was hard.. but I survived. No meditation just being mindful. Sunday?? Sunday came completely off the rails. Neither of the monsters took naps. One was teething and the other was just a monster that kept keeping the other monster who was teething up. The preteen still wasn't home. The husband was in a mood because things kept breaking. It was at this point when my mindful moments became.. "Are you really hungry?" No. "Do you really want that donut?" Yes Donut.. eaten. I did work on some of the other things though. Recognizing feelings, getting a fresh start with things like cleaning out the fridge and my car, remaining calm even when the kids heads were spinning around in a complete circle...

All in all if I had to guess calorie wise which by the end of the day yes i was calculating it in my head again even though I wasn't supposed to.. I'd say it was a bit of a splurge day. Not enough to hurt me. Still.. I have to get out of that mindset and instead just listen to what my dumb body is telling me. Dear dumb body.. sorry. I will become more zen today.. and possibly cut myself ALOT of slack on future weekends especially when hay season starts and hubby gets grumpy because he has hay dust in his sweaty butt crack... just sayin.. it happens. It isn't pleasant either.

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