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29 August 2017

I survived day 1 of this crazy idea that I of all people can follow a plan. Do you have any clue how many times I have said.. today is the day! Well I did that AGAIN yesterday and I survived. I did not eat the twizzlers. I did inhale the smell of the twizzlers. I was totally a twizzler sniffer. I did not eat them though. Sure my kids now all think I've gone insane but lets face it they probably thought that before the twizzler sniffing.

In other news... I have pumpkin snack cakes in my desk. I forgot I had pumpkin snack cakes in my drawer. I ran to the store on Friday over lunch after having to skip breakfast to pick up lunch and a couple things. I get to the store where I get a call from someone who is upset and sad and I live 700 miles away and I'm not able to do much of anything other than keep chanting.. It will be ok. It will work out. Good things will happen. Meanwhile.. I'm chucking chips, snack cakes, candy, Chinese food from the deli, .. and I forgot what else into the cart. Because even though I hope it will all work out. I can't be sure it will and if it doesn't then it's going to be very sad for everyone. Fast forward to this morning. Guess who found pumpkin snack cakes? Everything else I had taken home Friday night but those were mine. All pumpkin bliss and creamy sugary goodness mine. They are still.... mine. They are in my drawer laughing at me. I am laughing back because I have not yet given into them. I did mark yesterday on the calendar with a big ol green checkmark, way to go sticker, and glitter. Ok no I didn't use glitter glitter. I should have though. Unfortunately when I asked the admin for glitter she gave me a weird.. REALLY?? look. Do managers not get glitter rights? WTF???

Today will be another big old green checkmark that I am following advice I got from a book. I am working out. I am eating right. I am not eating forgotten snack cakes. I am drinking an obscene amount of water and speed walking myself to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Because I.... am going to get my body back even if I have to become a crazy green glitter making calendar marking weirdo.

28 August 2017

I want candy. I want big giant bowls of everything candy, cake, dessert, and .. sweet things. I want everything that is sweet. Do you know what is a horrible terrible idea? It starts when a wonderful person sends you a dieting book to read, then the advice makes sense, you've followed this advice before with wonderful results, and then.. you declare that tomorrow is going to be the day that you start this amazing journey into healthy living, slimmer jeans, more energy, and hopefully will end in me having the body I had before the tiny humans I gave birth to came along with all their twizzlers, oreos, and ice cream. Yes.. they came with these things. They must have because every time I turn around one of them has these things even though I don't remember ever putting these things into the shopping cart.

Do you know what makes this an even more awesome horrible terrible idea? It's the week that I REALLY crave these things. I mean really really crave. It's the type of craving that would make me take a bite of the toddlers twizzler after asking him "What's that??" and he turns his head only to look back and yell "HEY!!" because half his twizzler magically disappeared. Those things happen. We may have pixies.. or something living in the house. No one can prove how these things happen.

So here I am... diving into the deep end of look at my healthy lifestyle. See all the fabulous things I won't eat because I love myself and all that other motivational healthy crap! Ok.. I'm only... 16.5 hours into this new dedication to my new healthy living blah blah blah. I would just like to say.. for the record. I want candy. I will not eat candy. I will not eat candy. Ok.. I might. I've tried and failed a million times before. That being said. I want candy but I will not have candy. Even if the candy belongs to a toddler and does not really count because it's in his hand and not mine and my hands never touch the candy. It was the pixies.

22 August 2017

I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm too tired to have anything. Do you know what rock bottom looks like? It involves a bed with pillows thrown everywhere, a tiny happy not in the least bit tired human, bob the builder, and a Benadryl drugged mom who keeps whining "just go to bed" in between the giant marshmallows the tiny human is feeding her. I was weak. It was 1:30 AM. He was adorably cute and excited because Yes He Can!! Momma? Not so much. This was the second night in a row this child has refused sleep. I seriously don't know how he does it. Sooo much energy. Sooo happy. Maybe he isn't human.... maybe he's a gremlin.

Me? I'm exhausted and I eat when I'm exhausted. I'm attempting to be good and not run sobbing towards the vending machines. I skipped the gym. I've had coffee. I think I'm immune to coffee at this point.. I also fear I have marshmallow in my hair still. The only good part so far is my shoes match.

I will be strong. I will be healthy. I will be drooling on my desk in the next ten minutes.

17 August 2017

I think I finally snapped but I think I snapped in a way that will finally allow me to lose weight so I'm enjoying my new found mental meltdown. Wait melt downs are bad. I immediately think of a nuclear plant and a warning blaring horn and cars all stuck on a bridge because um.. wait. Why are all the cars always stuck on the bridge not going anywhere in these types of movies? I'm pretty sure people would just push whatever is in their way out of their way and continue to flee. Anyways... my melt down is a good melt down.

We have finally reached the stage of I just don't get a flying cow patty. I had written the husband a letter basically saying. Bull poop! And then I sat on it.. rewrote it because that's what I do and gave it to him. I feel better. I feel like I totally validated everything I have gone through. I listed examples, I gave reasons, I backed up my reasons with facts, and I admitted that I think everything he is doing and this new man he claims he is becoming is because he's just afraid of being alone. Which in my heart is exactly what I believe. I feel like I'm looking down at the situation from the 10,000 foot view. This is where the melt down is currently at. I'm totally analyzing him, me, my past, my future, and who I want to be.

The good part about the self reflecting stage of this imploding relationship is I feel totally at peace. I'm not stressed. I'm not upset. I have completely removed myself and put my geek on. There may be pie charts in this journals near future. I'm not stress eating, I'm working out at the gym, I'm putting myself first, I'm currently playing around with the idea of a shrink so I can work on my issues and improve myself. I'm journaling random things that pop into my head and make me seem like I have become a head case.

I've put myself into a time out. I've walked back to my corner and I'm going to work on me and why I seem to always put others before myself to the point that I'm the crazy mom in the middle of the grocery store streaming at the top of her lungs. You've probably seen her. She looks slightly deranged and seems to hate life. I am not the crazy lady in the pop tart aisle. I will not become the crazy lady in the pop tart aisle. I will be happy, healthy, and when I look in a mirror I will want to look. Not just do the quick look, groan and pretend I did not just see that, pretend everything is fine, and leave the house knowing what I look like but silently denying that was me.

17 August 2017

Weigh-in: 201.4 lb lost so far: 14.4 lb still to go: 61.4 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (3 comments) on diet DairyFarmersWife's own diet   gaining 0.5 lb a week

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