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22 August 2017

I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm too tired to have anything. Do you know what rock bottom looks like? It involves a bed with pillows thrown everywhere, a tiny happy not in the least bit tired human, bob the builder, and a Benadryl drugged mom who keeps whining "just go to bed" in between the giant marshmallows the tiny human is feeding her. I was weak. It was 1:30 AM. He was adorably cute and excited because Yes He Can!! Momma? Not so much. This was the second night in a row this child has refused sleep. I seriously don't know how he does it. Sooo much energy. Sooo happy. Maybe he isn't human.... maybe he's a gremlin.

Me? I'm exhausted and I eat when I'm exhausted. I'm attempting to be good and not run sobbing towards the vending machines. I skipped the gym. I've had coffee. I think I'm immune to coffee at this point.. I also fear I have marshmallow in my hair still. The only good part so far is my shoes match.

I will be strong. I will be healthy. I will be drooling on my desk in the next ten minutes.

17 August 2017

I think I finally snapped but I think I snapped in a way that will finally allow me to lose weight so I'm enjoying my new found mental meltdown. Wait melt downs are bad. I immediately think of a nuclear plant and a warning blaring horn and cars all stuck on a bridge because um.. wait. Why are all the cars always stuck on the bridge not going anywhere in these types of movies? I'm pretty sure people would just push whatever is in their way out of their way and continue to flee. Anyways... my melt down is a good melt down.

We have finally reached the stage of I just don't get a flying cow patty. I had written the husband a letter basically saying. Bull poop! And then I sat on it.. rewrote it because that's what I do and gave it to him. I feel better. I feel like I totally validated everything I have gone through. I listed examples, I gave reasons, I backed up my reasons with facts, and I admitted that I think everything he is doing and this new man he claims he is becoming is because he's just afraid of being alone. Which in my heart is exactly what I believe. I feel like I'm looking down at the situation from the 10,000 foot view. This is where the melt down is currently at. I'm totally analyzing him, me, my past, my future, and who I want to be.

The good part about the self reflecting stage of this imploding relationship is I feel totally at peace. I'm not stressed. I'm not upset. I have completely removed myself and put my geek on. There may be pie charts in this journals near future. I'm not stress eating, I'm working out at the gym, I'm putting myself first, I'm currently playing around with the idea of a shrink so I can work on my issues and improve myself. I'm journaling random things that pop into my head and make me seem like I have become a head case.

I've put myself into a time out. I've walked back to my corner and I'm going to work on me and why I seem to always put others before myself to the point that I'm the crazy mom in the middle of the grocery store streaming at the top of her lungs. You've probably seen her. She looks slightly deranged and seems to hate life. I am not the crazy lady in the pop tart aisle. I will not become the crazy lady in the pop tart aisle. I will be happy, healthy, and when I look in a mirror I will want to look. Not just do the quick look, groan and pretend I did not just see that, pretend everything is fine, and leave the house knowing what I look like but silently denying that was me.

17 August 2017

Weigh-in: 201.4 lb lost so far: 14.4 lb still to go: 61.4 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (3 comments) on diet DairyFarmersWife's own diet   gaining 0.5 lb a week

16 August 2017

Have you ever noticed that some people have the ability to predict the future and they don't even know it? I'm not talking about 1-800-PSYCHICS. I'm talking about people in your life that tell you they fear something or they fear they are something and in the end.. yup they totally told you in the beginning that this is the way things would be. I have someone in my life now that keeps telling me they are afraid they will let me down. They keep saying it over and over again. Why? Well probably because they listen to me complain about my current life but it's more than that. Maybe its because they already know in the back of their head that yeah.. they will let me down. A day will come and something will happen and they won't choose me. Or maybe they just say it enough that they can't help but do it.

I've dated guys that would make an off handed comment that they were a jerk. Just random comments. Most of the time half joking. They always turn out to be jerks at the end. It took me 25-30 years to realize this. Now when someone says I'm afraid I will do this.. over and over. I expect it. I know it's coming. And that's ok. It is what it is. That person is in my life right now for a reason. I will enjoy that relationship and cherish it and if they predicted the future. Well I can't say they didn't warn me. Why am I going on about something so.. well it's kind of depressing? Well it made me wonder. If self fulfilling prophecies work then why can't I use them??

I'm nuts right? Seriously though.. can I go around telling people I'm really a size 8 and become a size 8? Can I say I'm excited I'm going to lose a ton of weight in the next 6 months. Smile and walk away from the very confused person in front of me and make that happen? I've set goals before. I've typed them here and there.. set them as goals in the 10 different weight loss apps on my phone.. doodled them in journals and notebooks only to find them 6 months later and think "Crap I was only 195 back then and I was going to lose 50 lbs? Make that 205 lbs and 60 lbs now. WTH!!" The thing is... I set those goals and I moved on. I didn't tell the cashier at the grocery store scanning my ice cream that I'm going to be happy, healthy, and have a butt made of steel. Saying these things to random strangers is probably safer than telling people I actually interact with. People I interact with will have me locked up.

I think this could be a thing. Self predicted weight loss.

HI! I'm really 150 lbs you just can't tell because there is an extra 55 lbs hiding it. I'm also afraid you will all have to put up with me because I plan on journaling my successful way to 150 lbs. Oh yeah.. and... I'm nutty but I will be a smaller nut soon.

Ok someone can get out the fuzzy straight jacket now.

Huh.. maybe next time that person says. I'm afraid I'm going to let you down. I will respond. You'll regret it because I'm going to have the sexy body I always dreamed of when you do.

15 August 2017

Something is eating at me today.. I'm not eating which is good but something is seriously bugging me. I got flowers at work yesterday. They didn't come with a name on them to tell me who they were from and they were not from who I expected. They were from my husband. My husband has never sent me flowers at work. In the 10 years that I have known him and the various jobs that I have had.. he has never sent me flowers. I should be happy right? I enjoy the flowers. They are beautiful and smell amazing. It's what they stand for that has me looking at them and reflecting on all of the decisions I have made. I didn't say thank you. I didn't take pictures of them and post them saying look what I got.. I just looked at them and thought long and hard.

This morning my husband comes up to me and says he's sorry. He forgot he sent them. He had tried to send flowers to me when the kids and I were on vacation and he hadn't listened to me when I had given him our plans. They were supposed to arrive on the day we left to go to the next place and he filled in the date wrong so I never got them. The florist felt bad so they gave him a free bouquet. Apparently these flowers were the make up flowers. All I could do was look at him. Really? He forgot sending them? I made a comment or asked why it took him so long to send me flowers at work. I don't know which. I'm really just stumbling through this in hopes of falling out the other end soon. His reply? Do you know how hard it was for me to find you work address?

Googling the name of the company I work for and address... was hard. So I asked someone.. is it hard? They came back in less than a minute with the address and had it marked on a map. Does he think all those years I worked full time, helped him on the farm, made him breakfast and dinner, took care of the kids, cleaned the house, made sure everyone was where they needed to be, reminded him of all his drs apts, picked him up his favorite candy bar at the store because the kids were picking out their favorites, driving a tractor on my day off, milking cows so he could have a night off and go bowling then out to dinner with his buddies... all this while I worked, came home, never went out, never got gifts on special occasions, never got any help what so ever and if I complained.. I was never once heard. Because nothing EVER changed. He recently told me when things got bad I would blow up. But he knew I would be ok after I blew up. Seriously?? After I got to the point where I was screaming, sobbing, and be a complete and utter wreck.. that meant things would be ok because after I was done and pulled myself together I would be calm again. No buddy.. I would blow up and our marriage would die a little bit each time. Because nothing EVER changed.

Relationships are NOT easy. I made it easy for him. That's on me. I had this idea that in a relationship you try to never let your partner down, you try to build them up and help them succeed, and when everything went to s##t.. you get right down next to your partner in that s##t until both of you pull yourselves out together. That to me.. is a marriage. That is a partnership. That is the happily freaking ever after. I never got that. Not once with him. When I took a leap and switched jobs to further my career I was told I better not screw up because I won't have a job to pay my bills. When I would approach him and try to have a relationship I was laughed at and my hands were slapped away. My needs, my desires, my dreams.. they have always taken a back seat. Apparently it's just too hard to give a damn. And the sad part is I let that happen. I let myself not be important.

Right now he is doing things he never did. Why? Because he knows I'm gone. I'm done. He's afraid of being alone. Does he love me? Maybe? Maybe in some twisted F'd up way. But I'm done. The marriage we had, the feelings I had, the future we could have had? It's dead. All those blow ups, all those times I never got anything in return, all those times I took the back seat to his needs, all those times my needs were ignored. THAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE. There is NO getting that back. I'm just as much to blame. I accept that. I'm learning from that. Maybe someday I will get my happily ever after with someone who doesn't find looking up a damn address as being too hard for someone they care about.

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