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18 January 2018

I have been meditating every day. Eating mindfully with only whole good foods. Keeping my stress levels on a pretty good plain despite the deadlines at work, the demands at home, the constant stress between my husband and I. I was doing soooooo good. 3 days. I made it 3 days. Then.. the universe tested me and I failed.

Last night on the way home I get a call from my husband who says he needs to go to the emergency room. Ok... why? He was squatting, stood up, and twisted his knee. Ok.... Is anyone around? Yes. Can they help you out of the barn? No no... he's got it. He will crawl if he has to. Me: 1st Eyeroll I call his doctor the ortho place is still open and has after hours so I decide to take him there. Not the emergency room he keeps insisting he needs.

I get home. Kids are screaming DAD's HURT!!! Awesome. You freaked out the kids. He's gotten to the house on his own, taken a shower, changed his clothes, and doesn't seem to be ready to pass out. Knee? It looks normal. Ok.. lets go. Nope can't. He has to call everyone and their brother to tell them he's injured (bowling buddies, his mom, etc.) Me: Eyerolls 2-22

We drive there.. seems fine. Roads are crap due to snow, I hit a few bumps.. fine. I hit one more. GASP in pain. Me: Eyeroll We get to the doctors office. I throw him out at the curb, point out the wheel chairs conveniently placed RIGHT THERE. Right next to the door. A whole row of them. Dozens to choose from. I park. Walk back. He's walking to checkin. Seemingly in soooooooo much pain. He wants me to check him in and they send us to another waiting room. The front desk girl gets ready to get him one of the wheel chairs. He insists he can walk. At this point his is lunging forward on his good leg, arms flying out to his side, insisting he can "suffer through it". I may or may not have muttered words under my breath the nurse gave me a weird look for saying.

So they ask him. Did this just happen. He says no. He says he's been having issues for years and years.. in his other non hurt leg. But the other side just happened. I about bit my tongue off. At this point. I'm keeping my mouth shut. I'm not sure if there is a spouse abuse hotline but I'm pretty sure they would have turned me in. They try to get him a wheelchair again.. again he says no and walks even worse than before. At this point he looks like one of the boys when they stub their toe a little and insist their entire leg is broken to which I tell them to suck it up. He limps to xray. Also at this point I figured out I am a horrible uncompassionate person. I'm questioning if he is even injured at all or if this is just some weird adult male I need attention crap. We get to xray. He sits there. Seems fine. He's moving his leg back and forth, bending it, straightening it, bending it again. Then he drags himself into xray. Comes back out walking 10 times worse than before which seems amazing but was still possible.

In the exam room he says how horrible it was and proceeds to stand in a squat position and says. They made me stand like this and it was the worst pain I felt in my entire life. Me: Blink.. twitch Keeps telling the doctor he can't straighten his leg. It's too painful. He has to keep it bent.

Nothing broken, maybe a torn meniscus but they have to do a mri later to tell. They give him crutches.. which he walks out with.. leg out straight in front of him. Nurse says "sir you need to keep your leg bent behind you or you will fall." To which he replies... "I know... I can't bend my knee." Me.. Huh.. I'm pretty sure I have no soul. Nada.. zero compassion at this point.

This doesn't even include the ride home where he insists on walking into cvs to get a wrap the doctor never said he needed. Without the crutches. Then insists he can't make it out of the store. I began questioning the choices I have made in my life. Oh and I ate two pieces of pizza the kids made while we were on our adventure. Totally face planted that whole I'm going to eat healthy thing. At 8:30 after not eating since noon I said screw it.

Update.. this morning he cannot walk AT ALL. He still had to go to the barn to talk to the farm hand. Had to. Somehow managed the ladder in the manure pit and climbed into the biggest tractor we have... Me? I'm still questioning where my soul went and questioning my choices in life.

17 January 2018

Weigh-in: 214.0 lb lost so far: 1.8 lb still to go: 74.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet DairyFarmersWife's own diet   gaining 1.3 lb a week

11 January 2018

I'm not weighing in this week because I have convinced myself that not weighing in is probably being kinder to myself than actually weighing in. Yes.. I have probably gained all the weight I lost back. Yes.. I lost my freaking mind multiple times. Yes.. I ate ice cream, fast food, and pizza way more than is probably recommended. On the plus side. I worked out multiple times. Then I made a mistake of working out in boy shorts which I THOUGHT was fine. Until about 15 minutes into my workout. Then I figured well it's not THAT bad. Then I discovered that yes you can get a blister on your butt from boy shorts if you're all motivated and you think I can work through this because I'm all motivated and crap. I learned a valuable lesson. Listen to your body. When your body tells you the scale is an evil thing that can have nothing but bad news and make you super upset. Listen to it. I'm not positive and I'm apparently not very bright when it comes to this whole I'm going to change my life thing but I'm pretty sure being upset at myself and angry at the scale is not going to help me. That may just be me.

Anyways... Since telling myself that I was going to get in shape and be the best healthy me that I can caused a blister and derailment I'm jumping back on track and realizing that I need to look at a bigger picture.

Stress triggers me. I have a high stress job now. I am becoming a more negative, unhappy, cursing, emotional, crazy lady. I know this about myself. I also know that until I find a balance, a place of peace, a way to enjoy life, and a combination lock for the bathroom (oh and sound proofing so I can't hear the "Mom? Mom? Mom are you in there? Mom? Mom? I need water." OH or they have to pee. It never fails. The second I have got to go someone else always has to go. It's like they have bladder radar).

I forgot where all this was going. Long story short. Still trying to be healthy, take care of myself, and find inner peace while totally losing my cow poop all over the place. I mean ALLLLLL over the place. Grocery store, school parking lot, the barn, the kitchen, the bathroom, work, in front of the vending machine at work when I realize not only am I in front of the D@#$ vending machine at work but the evil vending machine people are now charging me 2.25 for something I shouldn't be eating in the first place!! Oh and then it stole a dollar. Do not mess with a woman with a blister on her butt who wants chocolate and is going through a midlife crises who has decided to find her zen. Just sayin...

03 January 2018

With the new year comes new year resolutions. The only problem is I have been setting the same resolutions for the last 5 years. They would be to get out of debt, lose weight, and stop cursing like a drunken sailor. The thing is..... I weigh more than ever, I'm still in debt, and I curse like a drunken sailor with turrets now. My resolutions seem to be slipping slowly but surly into a gutter filled with manure. So what do you do when your life is slowly slipping into the cow poop? Simple. You change everything, have a breakdown/clarity of mind moment, and set a new resolution.

My resolution this year is simple. Be the best me I can be. That has to be achievable. Seeing as I have no clue who I am at this point in my life I should be able to improve something to be my best self. I'm not sure what that thing will be so instead I'm living with the mantra "I will be the best me I can be in 2018." I put in the year incase this whole being the best me I can be turns into a horrible train wreck. Oh wait. I'm already a hot mess. How bad could being a train wreck be?

So far I'm doing marvelously. I still curse like a sailor but I do it calmly without as much anger.. ok there is still anger when the jack monkey cuts me off and almost causes me to spin off the road but I'm getting there. I have worked out 3 days in a row. I got a Fitsperation journal. I cooked a meal that didn't come from a box and wasn't fast food. I even decided I need to take care of me more and be more kind to myself. This was how I managed working out 3 days in a row and validated me taking time for myself and my body and my butt that really needs to shrink so I can be healthier and move towards that whole best me I can be thing.

As part of this whole movement to improvement, happiness, and health I'm also thinking about reviving this journal and the blog so I can document all the things I try in order to find myself during this fun little midlife crisis that I'm having. I want to rediscover who I am and how I tick but doing that with the same old name that isn't me anymore doesn't seem fitting. The name Lost in Confusion is already taken. Poop.. I wonder if PixiePoop&FairyFarts is available.

03 January 2018

Weigh-in: 211.5 lb lost so far: 4.3 lb still to go: 71.5 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) on diet DairyFarmersWife's own diet   losing 7.4 lb a week

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