Group Forum: I am slowly killing myself on purpose.

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paddy888

Joined: Jul 10
Posts: 13

        
Posted: 29 Dec 2012, 13:08
I am slowly killing myself on purpose. Why else would I have lost over 50 lbs and then in the next year gained it all back, knowing every mouthful I ate was a death sentence. I don't know why a person would do this to themselves. Today I have decided to find out. I do not usually go on sites and share. I read and think that I would never let others know what I feel but I have a feeling that if I don't do it this time I will not have another chance.
I am 56 years old. I have been heavy since I was 21 do to being abused by an EX boyfriend. For 4 years I let this happen to me before I moved on. I was lucky and did find my husband who treated me with respect and honor and love. I have two wonderful children who are 22 and 18 who are both away in university. I was diagnosed with Diabetes 5 years ago. A year and a half I had lap band surgery which has slowed my eating down but I have circumvented by just eating the same garbage just take longer. I did loose 50 lbs before the surgery and I felt wonderful but then some family trouble happened and I reverted back to emotional eating and have not stopped until today. I have not processed what Diabetes can do to a person. I suffer from hypertension, high chlorestoral, neuropathy for which I take gabapentin which is affecting my memory and my work. All these conditions still do not stop me from putting one mouthful of food followed by a hundred more. Will I believe I am killing my self when I am dead? I know how to eat properly. I know I need to exercise. So this time I will do what I know and now I am doing something that is foreign to me. Opening up online and being honest with myself and whoever out there feels they would like to help me through this journey. I need to come to grips with Diabetes and stop the slow suicide attempt.
Sweeteater

Joined: Oct 12
Posts: 9

        
Posted: 31 Dec 2012, 08:12
I don't believe you mean to kill yourself. Please read Diabetes Solution by Dr. Bernstein. He mentions the addictive quality of the "food" we use for relief and the success he has had with different patients using some medications (don't remember what they are at the moment) to deal with the cravings. Wheat Belly by Dr. Davis also addresses the addictive nature of foods, particularly wheat.
I, too, was doing really well with weight loss and diet and got blindsided by a gift of my favorite cookies (available only at Christmas in the midwest) from my sister. I ate the box in one sitting, the whole time consciously thinking "why am I doing this to myself? I know better!" After that it was off to the races and I was totally out of control for about 5 days.
After my final pig out I felt ill and took my blood sugar. Not pretty. I cleared all the sweets and starches from the house and sat down and outlined a week of good food. I went to the store and purchased and prepped the food. I called my husband at work and asked him to keep all the trigger foods away and to eat the healthy diet with me. He agreed. I'm back on track and have lost 3 of the 6 pounds I gained.
Remember, it's not just a lack of willpower or character on your part. It's an addiction that's helped you deal with life in the past with a certain degree of success. Try to change one habit and see if the rest will follow. For me it was meal planning. Good luck!
keep

Joined: Jan 10
Posts: 51

        
Posted: 02 Jan 2013, 18:20
I don't have any answers.I too eat good for a long time but not lose.I get frustrated and eat badly.A cycle..But I'm here.I read and feel what your going threw.
paddy888

Joined: Jul 10
Posts: 13

        
Posted: 05 Jan 2013, 11:45
I am working on the why I do this to myself. One tool I was given this week was to make my future not tomorrow or Monday but 2 hours from now and if I make it I have a success. Then another 2 hours. If 2 hours is too long I am to try half an hour. I am to build up the successes and realize that instead of stuffing the emotions down with food I can bring the emotions out by talking and building successes. The actual dieting and exercise are easy compared to dealing with emotions but this is the only way I am going to become whole.
Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who goes through this.
keep

Joined: Jan 10
Posts: 51

        
Posted: 10 Jan 2013, 11:57
Thanks for reply.Its good advice. I will try that as well.I just keep saying don't eat don't eat. Ur upset that's all. Not worth it.Then when it passes and I didn't eat I feel so much better. When I ate out of stress and badly it lead to feeling worse.Meditation has helped me distress.
chatterbug45

Joined: Jan 12
Posts: 2

        
Posted: 24 Jan 2013, 10:29
Paddy, You are not alone. I had the lapband as well, and only lost 50 lbs. I manage to eat enough to not loose any more. The emotional is so much harder to deal with. I can tell you what to do to diet all day long. You obviously have things rattling around in your head that you need to solve. THAT is the reason we keep shoveling in the food. You do need to work thru those issues. You have to find a release other than food. You might try journaling your emotions and feelings as you track your food. Wether it's on here or in your own personal diary. Identify your triggers. You have taken a GREAT step. Keep moving forward... one step at a time.
tundratot

Joined: Jan 13
Posts: 4

        
Posted: 06 Feb 2013, 12:32
Chatterbug is right, journalling such as you're doing here may be the best outlet for your emotions. It's safe, anonymous, or even private. Personally, I find that no matter what our society likes to say about freedom, honesty, and openness, emotions are not really welcome, so you have to find a way to go through them and not hurt yourself in the process. Writing makes you organize your thoughts, which is turn will help you to think about your emotions and the triggers to your eating.