|
I don't really know quite what to say here. It's been so long since I've been around. My life became a whirlwind of disappointment and sorrow for a while. I lost my patient March 9. I was unemployed for three weeks and picked up another patient. She only lasted two weeks. It was a blessing to be in her life, but I find myself in the same place as before now. I have not been to the gym in about six weeks. I have been eating VERY poorly and drinking too much.
I gained back 14 pounds. I know I can lose it again. It's just frustrating. I'm very surprised that, that is all that I've gained back.
James and I hit a very low point about three weeks ago. March 28 to be exact. I found out some things that he had done during our marriage (not cheating, but close to it). I didn't really blame him because I'd had Tom throughout our marriage, and he KNEW I loved Tom and Tom loved me. It wasn't really fair to him. I wasn't upset about her. I was upset that he lied to me. He told me he'd only met her after we separated. The truth is... he'd known her for a couple of weeks.. hung out with her at the bar. They were friends... they waited until after we separated to sleep together. Thoughtful of him..
I confronted him about it... about the lying part of it. Honestly, our marriage was rubbish. I need everyone to understand that. We were rubbish together. He revealed some things to me during the phone conversation. I told him I was moving out in April. I'd found a place that day actually. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be his friend. I couldn't be his wife. I couldn't be his anything. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was too much.. too hard..
He asked me to talk to him after work. He said he had a lot to say. I anticipated a knock down drag out fight, so I took our son to my in laws for the evening. He came in and sat in the sofa next to me...
He told me he was afraid. He had been a coward. He had been so lost that he just couldn't even think straight anymore at that time in his life. He broke down. He cried. (I've only seen him cry once). He told me he missed his wife. He told me a lot of things.
In the end, he asked me if we could ever start over.. he asked me if I would be able to forgive him for how he hurt me.. if I could really truly start over with him.. He said he could never live the way we'd lived for the past three years (that's how long our marriage had been bad), but he desperately missed the woman he married.. I've missed the man I married for a long time. He has not been the man I married.
I told him if we were going to start over.. that he had to let go of the shit we've lived through just as I had to let go of what we've lived through. I pointed out how he had stopped fighting for us and if we were going to work, he had to be committed to it completely.
I'm still not sure if I did the right thing. I hurt Tom a lot. I feel terrible for that. I am giving this a shot -- completely.
The bad thing about it.. is ... I am going into this knowing that I will be fine without him. I don't need him anymore. I figured that out about a month ago. I don't need him. I want him though.
I'm back on the wagon food wise. I need to get it together again. Sorry I've been away so long.
XOXOXO
|
305.0 lb
Lost so far: 21.0 lb.
Still to go: 105.0 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
|
gaining 2.6 lb a week
|