madaboutmoose's Journal, 13 March 2010

Day 419
Calories 2023
Weight 179.0 (down .2 lbs)

Yesterday was a rather frustrating and exhausting day!! The good news is I do have all my 'papers' sorted out and added up and they are ready to input into the computer for taxes. The bad news is that I guess the cloud cover was so thick over our area yesterday that it was nearly impossible to maintain an internet connection!! I admit it ... I cursed a lot yesterday.

FIL is back home. The emergency room doctor discontinued one medication they had given him in his first hospital stay ... apparently something they give people experiencing delirium tremens which can itself cause anxiety. My FIL can make himself anxious with out the assistance of any medication. As a child my husband recalls when the winds kicked up my FIL would be fretting about shingles flying off the roof. He has always been a 'hand-wringer' ... not simply something he as picked up and perfected as he aged.

He has been going through this for 3 weeks and telling his 'wife' not to tell anyone. Yesterday morning he started having one of his 'attacks', this time yelling at her and she called 911 because he was getting mean. He believes that people are 'watching' him ... like the government basically. He didn't want to tell the doctor he had been using oxygen at home because if 'they' find out 'they' will cut her (his 'wife') off and she'll die, she'll die, she'll die. Now she NEEDS oxygen to live. They ran out at home the day before YESTERDAY. He wouldn't let her call the oxygen man to refill it because it was 1 day early and he would know and report them.

I could go on and on with examples but I'm sure you get the general idea. It is a little beyond normal anxieties. Hopefully with the change in medication he will settle down, at least a little. This is what it is ... holy smokes ... sometimes I think someone upstairs thinks we are ten feet tall, bullet-proof, and made of teflon!!! I must admit, fake MIL is actually the level-headed one ... while I still do not trust her she really is doing a good job of trying to contain FIL. I can't imagine living with his fretting, hyperventilating, and hysteria 24/7.

In many ways this is oh so very sad. My FIL clearly is deeply frightened. He has been a Bible scholar for many years and preached us up one side and then down the other in regards to the Bible and church. And yet now ... in the face of his own death he is scrambling and panicking and finds no comfort in his own beliefs. There is a verse in scripture that says something to the effect 'underneath are the everlasting arms.' Bob asked him about what happened to them ... he said 'you don't understand.' Bob reminded him that he doesn't have a cold, he has incurable, inoperable cancer ... that he does understand. His dad just looks at him with a blank expression on his face and continues to talk about how horrid and difficult his life is. It is sad to see a man who has been so 'confident' about his beliefs and life here after ... be so very frightened. The other day when I went grocery shopping for them he was going on about something and I told him that we'll just take one day at a time, that the only thing predictable in this life is change so we'll just take it one step at a time. He said, you know, that's the one thing I don't like about life ... that it is unpredictable. I think that says it all. When he can be the 'hero', the 'wise one', the one 'in control', he's okay. When he 'needs' someone, when life is 'uncertain', life is very frightening to him.

So sorry to go one so much ... we've been talking so much about this. Hubby and I, thank heavens, talk a lot, and I have learned over the years to be able to listen to him vent without taking it personally or reacting to the emotion I hear ... and he has done the same for me. The situation is challenging and emotionally draining at best. That said though, you know we'll just step through it and do the best we can with it. We will do the 'right' thing and we do love him. I think 'love' is shown in actions ... far more than emotions.

And so we were able to sleep in a bit this morning!! The coffee is brewed and being consumed and we are both very much looking forward to a day of being together, goofing off together, having some fun together. It won't change the reality of daily life but it will be WONDERFUL!!!

And so this morning here is my list ... I am grateful for

1. a partner in life where we share trust, love, being able to do what is necessary, and truly enjoy each other
2. personally being able to 'hate' what is sometimes required and at the same time being able to 'do it' without punishing those around me
3. the miracle that I have been able to lose 60 pounds and maintain that loss (more or less) even in the midst of all the 'toilet swirling' that seems to be in my life currently
4. my simple life ... while I still fantasize about winning the lottery (LOL!!!) I find much joy in my everyday life
5. the joy of being able to be known and knowing others

We watched "Funny People" last night, Adam Sandler's movie about a comedian with a terminal illness. It had its moments. What stuck with me was the ending when the character said something to the effect that his body was cured but his mind still had a long way to go (in reference to he was still pretty much of an 'asshole' though at least he was beginning to realize it!!). Change is difficult for all of us. It reminded me that losing weight is the easier task ... changing how we see ourselves, how we treat ourselves and others, maintaining the weight loss, accepting ourselves is the much more challenging journey.

I know, sort of 'deep' for a Saturday morning. You will all forgive me I know!!! LOL!!! It is me. I've always been this way!! LOL!!! I used to detest that about myself ... that I was 'intense.' A male friend of mine once told me that I was so intense no man would ever be able to be with me. I am so glad he was wrong!!! I have learned to lighten up ... to have fun too ... over the years. But this intensity in me is just me ... I am glad it is ... I am glad you all can put up with me!!!

Have a wonderful weekend. I am off to enjoy some 'light time' ... (BIG SMILE)!!!! Take care of yourselves ... thank you for listening to me ... I am glad you are here.

179.0 lb Lost so far: 80.2 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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270 kcal

Fat: 4.00g | Prot: 14.00g | Carb: 48.00g.   Breakfast: Greek 2x Protein Honey Vanilla Yogurt, water, Fiber One. more...

2552 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Precor Elliptical - 52 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 8 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...