just.keep.swimming's Journal, 18 February 2012

Yesterday turned into an indulgence day and I cheated on my diet more than intended. I'd pretty much planned for it, so I'm not too worried. I'll be back on track starting today and I'm hoping to be back to my low within the week. :) Rather, I will have that low by my birthday! I think that'll be a killer birthday present to myself.

I was told last night that one of the words that most describes me is "awkward." It's funny 'cause it's so perfectly true.

If you want to know what I'm like in person- personality, accidental situations, speech, even some facial expressions apparently- go see the movie 'This Means War.' I absolutely loved the movie! All through it I kept thinking, "She's ME!" Then I got out of the theatre and my friend turns to me and says, "Reece Witherspoon's character was almost exactly like you!" It's good to know that there are enough girls like me out there for a writer to find one to model his character off of. And being compared to Reece is a huge compliment to me!

Do you ever wonder if guys and girls can be just friends? A lot of my close friends are guys. But I'm learning that they have different views than I do. Many of them started out as dates and became friends instead (my choice, not theirs' I'm learning). Others throw me for a loop when we've been friends and they try to change that. Tim told me that from now on every time I go out alone with a guy, assume he is either counting it as a date or assessing me in that view.

It's just foreign to me. I generally don't wait around being friends with someone on the chance that they'll date me. I just ask. Truly, I'm almost compulsive when I can't figure something out. And even more confusing to me- I don't judge my friends. They are completely who they are and I don't set any expectations or check for compatibility. I'm friends with an ex-Hell's Angel, uber-conservatives, athletes, junk-food-junkies, stay-at-home moms and wild partiers. The only thing that stays the same is that I don't know how to lie or be someone I'm not. They all get the same me.

I guess part of the confusion may be that I'm too much a chameleon? I'm really easy to get to know, but hard to get to know well unless you're paying attention. In most friendships, I'll happily focus on shared interests. I've learned the hard way to make sure that I present the whole me to the world. So everyone who knows me knows about my other interests, but I don't push my interests on them.

These are my thoughts because of my discussions (date?) last night. And because I've been trying to plan a birthday celebration for myself, but I'm lost. My friends are so varied it's hard to get them together. That's a lot of strong personalities that clash. Even planning where to eat is a challenge. And yes- I just realized that I am totally underestimating my friends. What a horrible thing!

I hope no one reads through this journal and thinks that I believe all guys want to date me. They don't, thank God! I just usually don't understand the ones who do. I'm not fishing for compliments here. I know who I am, I've worked my ass of to find that out. I really like me. I love my strengths and I'm familiar with my flaws. I'm just me, and excited to be me. That's why I don't understand the draw. I'm honest about it. If a guy gushes much that I'm beautiful, in my mind he's a liar. My face and my personality match up with 'cute,' or 'pretty' if I'm really trying.

Maybe that's the lesson I'd want people to learn from my life if I died tomorrow. Be excited to be you!
Apparently I'm one of those people who has to lose something before I learn to value it. I'm glad for a home, family, health, friends, food because I've been without all of them. I'm glad for a personality because I wasn't allowed to have one for 8 years. So even if any of it's not perfect, celebrate the hell out of the fact you have it at all. The possibilities from there are endless.


Also- sorry about the excessive journal here. I like to clarify my world views this time of year. It's fun to watch how much I've changed when I go back and read my thoughts from yesteryear.
128.5 lb Lost so far: 17.5 lb.    Still to go: 3.5 lb.    Diet followed poorly.

Diet Calendar Entries for 18 February 2012:
1225 kcal Fat: 38.28g | Prot: 55.36g | Carb: 163.80g.   Breakfast: raisins, carrots, okami sushi, organic agave, raw sunflower seeds, flax meal, sea salt. Dinner: Wood-Grilled Lobster, Shrimp and Scallops, Riesling Wine. Snacks/Other: Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino (Tall). more...
1744 kcal Activities & Exercise: Shopping - 3 hours, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 12 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 48 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments 
I liked this journal..you are unique, there isn't another one like you. Personally I like for people to be them selves..some people don't like me as I am straight forward and tell it like it is..I do sometimes try to hold my tongue so to speak unless the person is being an idiot like letting another person beat on them and make them feel lower than dirt..can't stand the person that bullies others..but thats me..Stay true to you..its the only way to be...Have a great weekend...:O) 
18 Feb 12 by member: BHA

     
 

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