MrsTofu's Journal, 21 February 2017

This was a weigh in at the doctor's office, fully clothed except for shoes. I went because I've been having some health issue- likely due to hormonal imbalance issues 😒😔😮😫. Life is mostly a net positive. Relationships with my family have improved a lot. I'm still employed with the office I started working for MLK day 2016 (so in the past 3 years I've doubled my work history and vastly increased my skills--especially Spanish fluency.)

Currently I'm facing two challenging situations. One is work related. I have a really bad relationship with a supervisor (largely- I think- because of communication and expectation issues between us). I feel that she wants me to fail, but also that she's upset with me when I make mistakes; however, she often will not help me or talk to me about things I've been confused about, so I feel stuck. I accept that she doesn't like me as a person. I want to have a functional work relationship where I can approach her, explain things the way I'm understanding them to help her recognize that I am working to grow and address errors that I've made frequently, and clarify expectations so that she and I both know where we stand and what our respective boundaries are. I know I'm not the fastest at the job; however, I also know that I am an asset there too. I don't feel that she recognizes that, and because she is my direct supervisor and she doesn't like me as a person, that contributes to work being more stressful. 😞

The other stressful situation is the health issue. Something I was told was that I MAY have a hormonal issue that COULD make me more prone to endometrial cancer. Reason dictates that there is no reason to get upset. This is an information gathering period where my doctor is investigating my health to rule out various causes. Certain causes, when left untreated, have a higher correlation with cancer, but there is no reason to suspect that I have that now or will get it later. However, my mind starts catastrophizing things because I don't know what's going on, and that's confusing and frustrating. In some sick, demented way, freaking out gives me an immediate focus and agenda instead of feeling lost and uncertain. I know this is stupid, I need to be patient and sober (since energy devoted to panic and morbid fantasies doesn't profit me anything anyways). It's a challenge. I don't like to wait and I don't like not knowing what's going on or what's going to happen next; however, for now that's where I am. I don't know. That makes me more emotional, which is then harder to deal with. However, by the grace of God, I'm not facing anything that is too big for Him. So I'll be OK, I may just have periodic spaz times where I am emotionally tantrumming. I'm glad God knows how to handle me when I'm like that. And that He has given me several, wonderfully loving and supportive friends and family members to help me keep an even keel when my thoughts and feelings are trying to hijack me and take me for a joyride.

150.0 lb Lost so far: 22.0 lb.    Still to go: 20.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.