JulofDenial's Journal, 15 November 2011

How do you learn to make sleep a priority these days? It would be futile for me to ever try. Everything that's good for you is hard to come by. I'm tired, stayed up all night being a gracious guest and this is my workout hour. I can either sleep or workout. Exercise will probably win out because it keeps my appetite in check. I was having visions of donuts and chips a few minutes ago, feeling very tempted to indulge in a plethora of tasty foods, but I couldn't do that to my body three days in a row. That would be cavalier, wicked, risky. On another note, I'm happy with the scale. I wouldn't have eaten at all yesterday but the host made Weight Watchers fish and rice and said there were only 170 calories in the serving and I felt safe eating it trusting that she was accurate about the cals. Something in the sauce gave me heartburn. The fish was delicious and so was the sauce in the rice. But something about it tasted like a store-bought meal. I would have preferred to have not eaten at all. Trying to maintain control over my food intake is damned near impossible. It's frustrating and oppressive how much pressure people put on you to eat! To eat with them, to show your acceptance of them by eating their cooking, to participate in the social ritual of eating, to eat just because the food is there and it tastes good. Ugh!!! I border on feeling violated because I allow others to guilt me into eating. And if they're not guilting me into eating, they're manipulating with their emotions...I sense their offense when I initially say I'm not feeling like eating. Of course, what makes it doubly tough to stick to my guns is the fact that I AM hungry, and I WOULD like to eat, to be free of concern for calories or being fat or gaining weight. When I'm in the grocery aisle, I watch women putting candy, cookies, chips, bread, and other yummies into their carts without a care. I want to be like that, but I can't. While they're secretly envying me, I'm wishing I could be like them: happy with my body and its imperfections, un-self-conscious about my physical appearance around others, trusting that others accept me despite being overweight or heavier. I don't judge others, but I hear the judgments people hold for the overweight and obese. They express it freely, and don't worry about offending anyone. I even hear heavy people castigate themselves, even apologize for being heavy! People need to worry about themselves; they have enough on their own plate without pretending to know what someone else's problems are. I'm gonna go workout...might as well do that instead of whining about my self-imposed restrictions. But, I am happy with my appearance at my present weight! I appreciate economy of form and function. I love the beauty of a lean body, AND the beauty of a confident, voluptuous woman. But that second one I'll never be. It takes true confidence to pull that off, not the kind you acquire because you "overcame" your soul-destroying past.
90.4 lb Lost so far: 22.6 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entry for 15 November 2011:
664 kcal Fat: 28.87g | Prot: 24.94g | Carb: 50.12g.   Breakfast: Dry Roasted Unsalted Peanuts, Burrito with Beans, Cheese and Chili Peppers. Dinner: Alcoholic Beverage (80 Proof, Gin Rum Vodka Whiskey). more...
on diet JulofDenial's own diet   losing 2.3 lb a week

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