JulofDenial's Journal, 28 October 2011

No weigh-in this week. Screwed up a few times and overate and tried to self-correct. Much of it digested, to my chagrin. There were too many hours between the binge and the.... The triggers are always obvious: tired, hungry, no exercise, hormones fluctuating, and momentary loneliness. I think this past week of lousy success and too long an effort to purgate has left me feeling disgusted and tired of the process, tired of the time lost when I could have been writing, conversing, watching a movie, and generally enjoying being slim. So I feel resolved at this time to be healthy, to stop expecting Chris to treat my rituals as normal. If it's even possible, I'm bloody angry at myself and at food. The anger toward the one is as real as the other. For allowing myself to be controlled by the sight, smell, empty promise of bliss and comfort. It's in the same vein that smokers, alcoholics, and sex addicts have learned to self-comfort with externals, rather than burden a human with their emotional needs. I thought to myself, why not ask Chris to hold me when I feel like eating emotionally? Why not use it as inspiration and write? Why not dance to music that expresses the angst and unsettling feelings? So I'll try that. I've been cursing foods that tempt me lately, batting my eyes and telling them to fuck off. It's the same way I might treat a persistent enemy. It's time to fight back.
96.8 lb Lost so far: 16.2 lb.    Still to go: 6.8 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entry for 28 October 2011:
366 kcal Fat: 1.55g | Prot: 2.45g | Carb: 35.28g.   Breakfast: Rice Cakes - Caramel Corn. Lunch: Sweet Onions, Rice Cakes - Chocolate Crunch, Rice Cakes - White Cheddar. Dinner: Alcoholic Beverage (80 Proof, Gin Rum Vodka Whiskey). more...

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