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I wasn't going to journal today. When things are difficult sometimes I want to put my head in the sand.
Pig out in the park was fun and I felt just fine about my eating that day. It was planned, I enjoyed myself, it was FUN. That was Saturday.
Sunday was not planned and not fun. I ate until I literally felt sick. My hubby was not feeling well and I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. It did not make me feel better. I guess it was worth the experience to realize that eating doesn't make me feel better any more. I don't want to eat like that again.
And so ... the scale was WAY up ... 187.4 today. That is a 7.4 pound increase since I weighed in on Saturday morning at 180. I know it is not possible that it is actual gained fat but still, rather depressing.
So today it is back to normal for me. I'm going to aim for a low calorie day with plenty of water and extra exercise. We'll see how that pans out. The urologist appointment got put off for another week. That doesn't make me happy. It was the doctor who rescheduled. I'm sure for a good reason. Just another week of waiting that I am not looking forward to ... and then more waiting after that ... I am feeling very "up in the air" ... which in all actuality I am ALL the time ... it is just that I don't think about it. Rather I live with the delusion of "control" and thinking I know what tomorrow will bring.
So ... it will be fine. I will feel better. I'll make it through. This is a bump in my journey and I'm struggling ... time to get back on the elliptical and distract myself ... I've done an hour already ... maybe another hour??? LOL!!!
I hope you are all having a better day than me!! Thanks for listening, sorry I'm not more "upbeat" ... I didn't want to write this but it is honest. I need to stay honest for me.
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 Comments
Don't you hate when the scale does that to you!? I understand needing to stay honest. Depressing and positive journals help us! We learn from both the good and the bad.
07 Sep 09 by member: Deana Garcia
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Your comment "delusion of control" spoke to me loud and clear regarding many areas in my life. I am keeping your hubby in my prayers and you also for getting back on top of the weight and for not dealing with your stress with food intake. If you look at my weight chart I did exactly what you did (but I had two malts in one day, I still can't believe it spiked that much, I still cannot believe I had two malts in one day, I do not ever even have one so I think it is called stress eating and yes, they were yummy, extra malt powder), and my weight spiked way up too but is coming down again. Maybe I needed to do that and maybe you needed to do it too, it does help us to see just how fast our hard work goes down the drain with bad choices. Your weight will come down too. Of that I have no doubt. Never apologize for not being upbeat, we all have our days that are harder than others. It's called~~~life happens.((hugs))
07 Sep 09 by member: WECANDOTHIS
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Thanks. My weight spikes so easily ... I know that ... so I'm sure it will fall quickly too as long as I get right back to what is healthy for me. Thank you both for encouraging my honesty. It is hard for me to be in this space. I know it is life and I know I'll get through this patch but I'm struggling right now. It is funny, how both days I ate more than I would typically but one day felt fine and the next horrid!! I know what the difference was, my frame of mind. Saturday was a treat ... Sunday was not. I just finished my second hour on the elliptical. I think that's probably it for today. Need to find something to do ... maybe defrost our chest freezer ... that would keep me occupied for a bit!!
07 Sep 09 by member: madaboutmoose
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Madabout, When you are done finding things to do to keep you busy, come on over, I need help. lol
07 Sep 09 by member: WECANDOTHIS
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Oh MO ... if it was closer you know I'd be there!!!
07 Sep 09 by member: madaboutmoose
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Live and learn! Hope your week goes by fast!
07 Sep 09 by member: abbadabba
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I'm in the "Weekend Spike Club" this week, too. We'll fix it. Great job on that elliptical! I think your spike will disappear more quickly that mine at that rate! Saying prayers for your husband and you, during this frustrating and worrisome time. ((((((hugs)))))))
08 Sep 09 by member: amryk
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The term "delusion of control" is a helpful topic to ponder. The MOST helpful expression in your journal today is your statement that it is not possible to gain 7 pounds of fat over the weekend. My weight is up two pounds. I must understand that those two pounds are NOT twopounds of FAT. Thanks!
08 Sep 09 by member: poet-in-motion
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I will be saying a prayer for your lovable spouse! Much love!
08 Sep 09 by member: poet-in-motion
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Sorry to hear your hubby is not feeling well. I hope he is MUCH better soon. I understand totally about eating under stress and about that over full feeling. I have not done it in a while but it took really feeling it to finally get it through my head that I just did not want to feel that way ever again. I am not saying I never indulge any more but I do not get to that point of feeling ill. I hope you get your appt soon and all goes well. {{{hugs!!}}}
08 Sep 09 by member: dawn0001
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