FullaBella's Journal, 13 February 2014

Thursday, February 13th. As we countdown to the 'Holiday of the Heart' I seem to feel a need to pour mine out. In other words, today's journal is longer than usual. Read, don't read, whatever you choose. I love you all and hope you're having a great day.

They say the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. I'm predicting my death will be easier than my taxes. You know it's complicated when the accountant says 'I'm training someone ... is it okay if I bring them over to show them what a real return looks like?' LOL. I think that intern went back to her desk and logged onto Career Finder.

And if you were to Google images of the 'worlds dumbest tax payer' today there would likely be a photo of me. If you recall on my previous journal I was praying for a nice healthy refund this year... well... color me DUH when it finally occurred to me (with the accountant's prompting, LOL) they cannot refund what they didn't GET. I'd not made any contributions at all last year while waiting for the resolution of my identify theft filing issue. So while I felt ever so 'prepared' that I took the business check book with me to be able to give the routing number for the refund (( I always forgot it previous years and had to make a second trip)) it came in quite handy to be able to write that nearly four figure check out to pay for the return.

Anyway, that's done. He filed it electronically so I'll wait to see if some other evil doer snagged my number again this year. If not, I'll renew making contributions quarterly to avoid the possible penalty for not prepaying blah blah .. I zone out at that point ... death and taxes. I'll probably die before I ever fully understand taxes. That's why I pay out the 'ear' for the return.

After that I went to Lowes and picked out a new faucet for the kitchen sink. This on top of an already emotional day. Doing things like that has just not been in my wheelhouse all these years. I won't play the 'girl' card as I know there are many women who are just as good carpenters as men - I'm just not one of them. I still reflect back to the time we were laying a new floor in the kitchen and although Cutty kept insisting the tiles needed to face the direction of the 'arrow' on the back I argued and wanted to do a pattern. He finally just 'let me go' and then sat and drank a beer watching me rip it all back up and go buy more tiles to replace them.

Last week I was trying to install a door barricade (after ripping out the one I paid a professional to do) and couldn't understand why the screw wouldn't go all the way into the wall. I do know enough that any good mechanic blames the tools so I thought it was my drill. I was wrong of course. Stick just turned the 'end' to the correct 'setting' and ::zrrrr... insert drill sound here::: away they went. Color me baffled - I thought it was just decoration - images of screws on a drill. No manual in the box when I finally found it in the store room - how was I supposed to know? And once again I'm living proof Angels do protect Fools.

I remember feeling so panicked when Cutty passed away; so lost. I know these are the type things that fed that uncertainty because it's a territory into which I didn't tread. This was his area, his realm of responsibility. Even when he grew too ill to do the work himself he would call 'the guy' and they would discuss it.

Otherwise, I continue to pray my gratitude throughout the day that the Angels are still all around me, protecting me from my own incompetence and supporting me to calmly go about doing the things I do need and know how to do. I have been trying to put this into words inside my head with no success so I'm going to try to write it here to find the conclusion.

It's all muddled about 'being alone' versus 'being independent' and where will my life take me from here. Along with a lifelong tendency to overeat, eat my emotions and feed my disorders, I have a tendency to be a hermit on a huge scale. It's a horrid self created cycle. I would be a workaholic with the constant road travel and long hours which resulted in Cutty (and friends) all finding other ways to amuse themselves in my absence. Often those plans continued even though I was home. In other words, their world didn't stop on a dime just because I'd made an appearance. So I'd sit, home, alone, feeling lonely, feeling rejected and turn to... more work... more trips out... fill the time to avoid feeling the pain. As noted in comments on my journal the other day - the invitations ceased because of my constant rejection of them due to being unavailable.

Though I'm far from ready 'now' I do occasionally think about someday having another person in my life - yet, how will I balance that relationship without losing myself again. Wait, I skipped something, this is too early, LOL. That's how my brain works.

Whenever I think about relationships, much like here where I so value your input, opinions, support, advice, sharing, caring and all of it, it seems the relationship of a 'couple' took on a different aspect in our marriage, one I didn't necessarily always like.

Yes, yes, yes... I loved Cutty. You know that from what I've written and shared many times. But I often found myself frustrated by the conversations of marriage where I felt like I was 'reporting to him' as if he were just another 'boss' in my life. There, I said it.

I sometimes look back on my days now and reflect, 'yup, taxes filed and done with more than 2 months to go on that deadline, bills paid, advertising checked, plumbing issue being addressed, customers coming in the shop, making money, I do show a profit at month end, called about this, checked on that,' and so on. All of this without Cutty hounding me multiple times a day or week or asking for a status update. He was like the 'grey hair' of tasks; the minute I confessed to completing 'one' he'd replace it with 'two more'. So my rebellion caused me to lag on getting anything he requested 'done' because it just meant 'more'.

Maybe it's because I worked professionally for so many years I felt frustrated at that part of our 'marital discussion'. I'm sure he needed assurances all was well especially as he brought his own baggage into the marriage - one of which he couldn't let go of was how his Mother was always hiding the bills, unpaid, from his Father as she spent the money elsewhere and there would always be a fight, utilities shut off, etc. I repeatedly reminded him 'Babe, it's been all these years and the lights are still on, food on the table, cars running, no repo man... trust me, will ya!" but he never seemed to let go. And for a woman who'd spent too many decades giving reports and status updates to corporate suits.. it just felt .. like more of the same without a paycheck.

In 'my' ideal world of 'our' marriage, I'd handle the household and paperwork tasks... he'd handle the physical property and maintenance and we'd just respect each other would be getting it done without the need to question.

I never said things like 'you did pick out a Moen faucet, didn't you? What?? Delta?? Are you nuts??' I just trusted that whatever he picked out was the best and right because he was very intelligent and knew his stuff. Why couldn't he do the same with me? If corporations threw huge piles of money for me to manage their businesses, why couldn't he trust I was doing just as stellar a job with our own finances?

So to realize 'Oh, yeah... I'm doing all those things I always did just with less pressure and hounding I'm getting them done sooner and the lack of discussion about it is making it so much easier' ..well, I guess I will probably have to do a lot of baggage discarding before ever considering another relationship myself.

When I was young my 'ideal husband' had many characteristics... of course, young girls start with the thought of a Prince Charming and then the compromises set in year after year. I blame Mary Richards. (Mary Tyler Moore).

Now, after spending over a decade as a caretaker I cannot ignore the even greater need for compromises considering I am what they refer to as 'a bit long in the tooth' as far as relationship material. I'm so relieved that you do get my sense of humor. With Cutty being older, he married me saying, 'I'll die and leave you a rich, young, widow.' Up until November I'd joke 'buddy... you're zero for three... we're NOT rich, I'm no longer young... and, well....' LOL.

And there were many days as the stressful wear and tear of being a caretaker, watching the evil energy of illness take him from me day by day while leaving me helpless to stop it, I wondered if there would be anything even LEFT of me when he finally did pass. Many times I wondered if I'd go first whenever I felt my heart pounding or subliminally destroyed my own health with poor eating choices leading to high cholesterol and blood sugar.

Mr. Suit-n-Tie Guy (the one who brought the cookie monster to my door) put a topic in front of me the other day I'd not considered. He'd come into the shop as I was finishing up a transaction with another customer and things got a little 'awkward' right there at the end. Suddenly Marty seem 'flustered' and I couldn't figure out what had happened. Had I rushed him? Made him feel 'we're done, get out!' so I asked STG 'what did I do?' and he answered 'Nothing... I think he was a little... ah... star struck?'

Ever obtuse me I laughed, 'Well, you do look nice in your suit and tie' and he laughed 'Not me, silly. You.' I shook my head and heard myself saying, 'Not hardly... he's been my customer for years and he's married with grandchil...' oh yeah, suddenly the image of the recent skeevy married guy came to mind. Oh yeah, that happens. But while I really don't think that was it with Marty ... STG said something that made me start to think about the future and how to be better prepared.

Of course, that led me to remind myself, 'Bella, don't try to plan the fun and adventure out of your future... just sit back and try to enjoy the ride, okay? Put your seatbelt on but let some of the control issues go.'

In all candor, I am not a 'beautiful woman'. I'm fair enough with myself that I'll say 'I wouldn't stop traffic but I wouldn't stop a clock... I'm just middle of the road and everyone thinks they know me because I just don't have any outstanding striking beautiful features.' STG shook his head ((and, for clarity here in case anyone is still reading and wonders why I'm not falling all over this sharp dressed man, he has a partner )) and said 'you have no idea. You've only had 'two' passes that you're aware of ... there have probably been others but you don't recognize them. Within the next six months you're going to see many more. You just wait.'

Of course, the woman in me who's spent the last ten years listening to Cutty tell me the 'same' but ONLY because of the business and money (not because of me being so darned alluring that men would be falling at my feet) bristled at the thought of a line of sleezy con artists coming after this 'old lady and her money.' Hence why I wouldn't know if someone were truly enamored with me unless they offered me a kidney or something. If the only asset I still have is connected to the bank, well, enter 'hermit mode'. Lock the door and I'll go find my kleenex box house shoes.

So now that I'm painted into this corner what will I do with my life? While you'd find my image under 'world's dumbest tax payers' you'd also find me under 'shrewd but realistic widow' because I'm well aware that of the reality of the compromised potential of a relationship with another man some day.

He'll have baggage of course - no way to get this old without it. But the fact is, if he is financially equal to me, he can afford a gal with better boobs and half my age. So how to proceed?

I began trying to put details to my potential 'Valentine'. Certainly not this year, maybe even not by next February, but what do I really want? As I've been reading about health & weight goals and the outlines to achieve them on others journals I thought I'd give it a try with this topic. As I was waiting for the accountant yesterday I started trying to draft my ideal mate to determine which traits on which I'd be flexible and those on which I'd not budge.

He must make me laugh more than he makes me cry.
Smarter than me but not feel the need to remind me of it daily.
Spontaneous with a sense of adventure.
Relative similar health so that we can walk equal thru the day.
Trustworthy and trusting.
Comfortable in jeans but willing to pull on the occasional suit.
Handy with tools or at least comfortable enough to coordinate 'the guy'.
Financially able to carry his own weight and not interested in comingling the bank accounts.
Must not have a butt smaller than mine.

Okay, it got a little silly there so I stopped writing because another taxpayer sat down in the waiting room and began talking to me. I put my pen down and made small talk wondering if the universe was answering my wish list just that quickly although I really didn't get a good look at his butt. It seemed interesting as he mentioned he'd just retired this year and was frustrated with the cold weather preventing him from being outside but then he mentioned his wife and I laughed internally thinking 'down Bella... stop letting STG's comments go to your head... not every man who talks to you is a potential suiter ...'

Point? I don't know. If you're still reading but feel lost in all of this, welcome to my club. I know if dating these days is anything like it was nearly three decades ago I'm not up for it. I recall even back then it felt like a job interview with cocktails. Speaking of cocktails, I did email Kaddy and ask if the invite to join the 'Galentine' day was still open; she said 'Yes! I'll email you the details tonight!' That was last night but they didn't arrive. I am not about to display pathetic and needy to ask again. If they don't arrive today, I'll just find another plan tomorrow.

And if not tomorrow, I'll find it another day. As one of the frames on my wall read, 'Life is a Journey and You Hold the Map.'

Bless you if you read all of this; bless you even if you didn't. I just appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment. Thank you.

Bells

175.0 lb Lost so far: 110.0 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.