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Good morning!
I could write page after page about the stress I have - it takes up pretty much all the brain capacity I have these days - but I'll try to NOT do this. I have involved the union, and they are FURIOUS about the treatment I have gotten from my boss. They are having a meeting with my immediate boss, my upper leader and several union representatives, as an attempt to make things at work more fair for me, but definitely also to let my workplace know that the way I've been treated in all this mess is FAR crossing the line.
I haven't told you all the fine details on things, and I probably won't. There's a lot to it, and at least right now I don't want to explain it all one MORE time. I've done that plenty enough lately.
There is still not a moment where I feel ready to go to work. It's all stress, worries, concerns. The surgery went fine and it's done and over with. I've moved on from that. But the handling of all this, on top of the heart issue is severely bringing me down.
I need a mental break from it all. Fortunately, I'm good at pushing things aside and giving myself that break now and then, but obviously - it gets harder and harder every time if nothing is fixed. And right now, nothing is fixed.
Let's do something more like my "old-school" journals.
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I'm down in weight. After the weekend's crazy sugar-related shenanigans, I gained quite a bit - and not only fluid. There was probably at least a kilo of fat that decided to attatch itself to my body.
The weight is coming down, nice and slow. First of all, the actual weight number is coming down - by 1400 grams since yesterday - and everything else should follow and adjust. It usually takes me about a week to get back to the "good numbers", so there are some days to go still.
The thing I do NOT like about it is that when weight numbers plummet down like this, then body fat numbers WILL go up. And they did. 14%. I don't like that. At all.
I did great yesterday, though, and I just need to keep doing good. It's not really that hard as long as I can focus, but then again, the focus is not really fine tuned right now.
Still, I have a natural calorie burn that is high, and I am using it to my advantage as much as I can.
I know that when I do right, I will burn 3000+ calories in a day. Fitbit suggests 3156 calories yesterday. I consumed a little less than 2000 calories, so there is a nice deficit.
And actually, there is TOO much of a deficit.
This is something that I need to get better at.
I have always had an all-or-nothing mentality. If I over-eat, then I do it by thousands of calories. If I am careful and watch what I eat, then I usually don't eat enough.
Right now, I'm going in both directions.
If I am not careful, I will end up in the whole mess of days with over-eating and then days with compensating, to end up under-eating, and then get hungry only to over-eat again.
That mess simply doesn't work.
The RIGHT way to do it is to eat to the top of the RDI. Daily. Keep the exercise level up.
Once I eat what I am allowed to eat, my body is happy. Once my body is happy, I burn fat easily. THIS is the way to go.
Another thing is, of course, that my body really can't handle a large calorie deficit, without having to burn muscle to get energy, and this is me working directly against my goals.
It's so hard to get this into my noggin' even if I explain it to so many people.
I generally can't go for a large calorie deficit, because of my low body fat percentage. Today, my calculations says that I can handle an 800 calorie deficit. It's large because my body fat percentage is higher than usual. Sometimes my max deficit is WAY smaller.
Gotta make sure I eat ENOUGH.
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I am trying to make it all "real" foods. I'm trying to not have too many processed things in there, but it's next to impossible for me.
First of all, I have too many things going on in my head right now. I can't focus on all the food prepping that I have often done. It doesn't happen. Hell, I don't even bother shaving before I go to work. I decided to let my beard grow for now. Shabby looking? I couldn't care less.
So, my foods will be dinner leftovers, or my beloved whole wheat pita from the local pizza house (which really is okay - it's simply whole wheat bread, lettuce, tomato and meat - nothing else!), dinner, protein products and whatever I can buy at a store.
Wife bought fruits yesterday, and I'm taking a couple to work. They're nice and fresh, but they don't give me protein and they don't really fill me up much. Also, they don't UP my calorie intake - and this IS something that I need to focus on.
If I don't eat enough, then in the long run I end up over-eating.
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So, if I can muster up energy to focus on dieting today, the focus will be to eat enough, within my allowance, and with a keen eye on proteins and fat.
180g of protein, about 30% of my calories from fat, and the rest from carbs. It's a good place to be for me, I feel.
And, of course, I STILL see my body fat percentage go up. Up, up, up.
I can't say it doesn't bother me. I can't say I am not HIGHLY annoyed with it.
I'm still sooooo tempted to adjust my numbers and say "this isn't working right". But I am very sure it actually is, that it's minor tweaks that are needed.
The whole math around adjusting my numbers based on my averages from the past 4 weeks is great. I can COMPLETELY see the point once in maintenance mode. Actually, in weight loss mode too, with a few modifications.
I just need to have my calorie burn factors adjusted, and things should be fine. This is what I'm working on.
I already know what to adjust when we reach February 1st. I will simply change it up so that the calorie burn that Fitbit shows me will only be registered with 80%. It will give me - over time - 20% less calorie allowance. It won't happen overnight, because it will slowly change the averages. This is why adjusting is slow. Everything is based on averages, and it will take a while for this to actually show any change or results.
I could include a "weight loss calorie deficit", so I automatically have some calories taken away from me, but if I do this, then it won't show me the actual progress and change from what I'm doing. This takes a LOT of patience, but I think and hope that it will be worth the effort.
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There are so many factors that are in play in my calculations. I'm happy that it's all calculated for me, because I would go nuts having to calculate it all every day.
I'm basically given a daily calorie allowance based on the average calorie burn over the last 7 days - if needed, with a percentage taken off to adjust to "the real world", and with extra/fewer calories allowed based on how much under/over my RDI I have been over the course of the last 4 weeks. I then also factor in any wish for actual fat loss, so I can lose extra body fat if I want to.
MANY numbers. And they're not fine tuned just yet.
They will be though, I have no doubt about that.
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Generally, it seems like I am given an RDI at about 2800-3000 every day. As long as I do good, it's super easy to stick to this. The harder part is to eat enough, and to get enough protein. But it's in no way impossible as long as I work towards that goal.
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I slept better last night. I got 6 hours of sleep. It's still not enough, but it's better. I feel better.
And still, I feel the pressure. I feel it in so many ways. Sorry, can't fully escape the stress talk, as it's weighing down on me like a ton of bricks.
The meeting that they're gonna have without me today is killing me. I'm scared sh*tless, to say the least. Feeling that I don't have the reigns on things does not make it any easier.
I have faith in those going for me, though. They know what they're doing. But I'm very nervous about hearing what the outcome will be, and I'm honestly scared that my boss is gonna want to talk afterwards.
I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear him. I especially don't want to face him. I feel like he has back stabbed me like I have never had that done before, and it's simply not something I can forgive.
I'm all for solving problems, but trust is a strange creature. I can't trust him, I see that, and I feel like I will have to be on my toes around him when ever he is there.
A clear example of my stress is that I check his calender online every morning to see if he is gonna be there. Not good.
Anyways, thoughts are all over the place. You can probably tell.
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It helps a lot writing. I get a lot of things out by writing. I turn my thoughts around and I solve a lot of little problems as I type them out.
These issues are WAY past that, though. They're WAY larger than anything I can type my way out of.
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I have the letter from the hospital, by the way.
I'm gonna go for my next heart reset on Wednesday. Frustratingly, this is also the day I have my doctor's appointment. I need to reschedule that. This is a problem. I need to see him and get help on the stress issues.
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Today is workout day. I'm in week two now, and this means that I can to 2 reps per machine at the gym, 4 reps total. It was ROUGH when I did it Sunday, so I am curious how I will do today, after a small handful of hellish days. I hope I can pull through and at least do what I need in this area. It's so important to me, and it's the only thing I'm really looking forward to these days (other than going home from work!).
I will also go for my walk, get my calorie burn up. I need this. I want to get the mental time-off from listening to my audio book. It's hard to do, though, as my thoughts stray a little too much for this. I try, though, and it helps.
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Today, I'm thankful for:
- Unions! I don't know what I'd do without these guys right now. It's nice to know that SOMEONE is on my side and protecting my rights.
- Morning coffee! Best damn cup of the day.
- Wife. She's super supportive of me right, always. She's so mad that all this is happening to me.
Have a great Wednesday! Life is STILL good, and will get much better. :)
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184.3 lb
Lost so far: 157.4 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed 100%.
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losing 23.1 lb a week
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