restlesshope's Journal, 15 December 2010

have been thinking a lot in the past 24 hours about just what the heck i am doing. there are so many things and catch words that i could us i could say i am at a set point or blah blah blah but the truth is i am not on program as i should be. it was easy to get bored and start playing around with my foods and that has turned to carb cravings and poor choices .i have done nothing in the past 2 months but maintain my weight, that is not what i wanted. i have accepted that i am not going to be at the weight i wanted before going home and even that is not bothering me.i am how ever totally pissed off that i have just given up on my self and what i want for my self i looked back at my journal entries and tried to find the spark that got me started and all i found was a bunch of whinning and poor pittiful me thinking nothing that i can be proud to say hey that was me i was determined and went for what i want and got it. what i found was the last 40 pounds that i have lost is just pure blind luck and my friends here cheering me on to loose and don't get me wrong i have loved my friends and will be forever in debit to them because it was their effort not mine that has taken off the weight. now its time that i take control of my self and stop sitting around whinning and learn to fight for what i want. i can no longer just wait around for what i want and expect that minimal effort will give me what i want. i need to get more active on getting where i want to be or just give up and stop waisting my time and thoughts on what could be. i got comfortable at this weight it has been where i feel ok not to fat not thin but hey i accepted it for so many years i could say hey i am a little over weight but i am not that fat i have to learn to stop settling for what is good enough to pass and tell my self i am worth the best not just what i can get by with. ok so i got into the size of jeans that i wanted but it does not mean i should stop there right? get up move on stop hiding behind my own self pitty party and get going yes i walk 3 miles a day on a treadmill so what it is only because it is easy for me now i am not striving to be better i am settling forwhat i think is an apropriate amount of work. ya know some times i wonder about me not the person that i would like to be not willing to give 100% only what i need to get by and then i can cry about it and say see it just didn't work for me but the thing is IT didn't fail I failed by not being willing to put the work in to be what i want.i think this really has nothing to do with my weight but more with my whole life . i have always felt that i was luke warm there for worth of being spit out. if i don't like the way i describe my self then the only person to change that is me.
184.0 lb Lost so far: 41.0 lb.    Still to go: 34.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 15 December 2010:
1020 kcal Fat: 69.13g | Prot: 88.44g | Carb: 10.65g.   Breakfast: coffee, Water, heavy whipping cream. Lunch: kraft delux american cheese, hellmanns mayonnais, mt olive dill relish, tuna, eggs. Dinner: butter, parm cheese, zucchini, Chicken. Snacks/Other: atkins milk chocolate shake. more...
2572 kcal Activities & Exercise: kettlebell - 20 minutes, Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 1 hour and 30 minutes, Resting - 14 hours and 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
on diet Atkins  

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Comments 
well said. food for thought for all of us. thanks for sharing. 
15 Dec 10 by member: sophie99
Laura, that is very insightful. You are hard on yourself as far as your weight loss so far. You may feel like you got here by accident, but it still took effort on your part, so don't sell yourself short. Hang in there 'sis', it'll get better.  
15 Dec 10 by member: ctlss
Honey, you have far from failed. You are 41 pounds down. You are strong and YOU CAN DO IT. Never mind what others say or think. You are doing this for you and you so deserve the best. You are making yourself much, much healthier so you can live a longer life. I know you want to see the kids grown, married and grandchildren. So You NEED, not want, NEED to do this for yourself. You better be listening because I have my barn boots with cleats on and it would hurt if I booted you with those on.lol So, please don't make me boot you. I have tons of faith in you Laura and I know you want to do this for yourself. Yes, we are all here for eachother, NO MATTER WHAT IT MAY BE!!!!! We all get down on ourselves, but we always seem to pull out of it. Yes, everyday is a challenge. But if life was all easy street, then this world would be a pretty boring place. You hang tough!!!!! I know you have it in you to fight for what you want out of this life and I know you want to be healthier, happier and slimmer. So You Do IT Girlfriend and we are right here to help walk eachother through. DO IT FOR YOU!!!!! Please Laura have a good day.:) 
15 Dec 10 by member: LauPug1
You are so hard on yourself. Look what you have done so far! As for not losing- you MAINTAINED! That's what we are all trying to learn to do after we lose all this weight. Live a lifestyle that does not cause gain again and you have that part down already! It's funny because at first I thought I was reading one of my own journal entries because I have felt exactly the same. But you are doing well...so don't beat yourself up, ok? 
15 Dec 10 by member: barbieq13
not really beating on my self i think but definatly waiting for laurie to get down here with those boots lol just tryin to get up and move on boot my self i want to be where justafone is i want to be lookin on the back side of this road not sitting in the middle for ever for 2 months of nothing is not a stall it is not working and improving it is being ready to settle with where i am at. i am just to comfortable and need to get serious again. and barbie i find we often seem to reflect each other in our journals it is nice to know we are not alone isn't it? 
15 Dec 10 by member: restlesshope
Well, you know what...you're half way to home with a good ol' fashioned butt kicking like that!!! You are right - no one can do this for you...and no one can make you want it - for you! YOU have to dig deep - look in that mirror, and stare yourself down. Don't flinch, don't look away...don't stop until you can face your honest self...and tell yourself - I AM WORTH IT! I WILL DO THIS FOR ME - AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP. So, you need to re-read some of the basics, restructure some of your new food choices back in line w/ the Induction Tried & True Ways...so what! You know my friend - life is about what you are WILLING to make it - so if nothing else...be willing - to be made willing. Let go of fear - fear that you may be rejected at some point in the future and will have no FAT to hide behind. And embrace the possibility of CHANGE!!! It's a beautiful thing! You can change your thinking. You can change your eating habits. You can change how you respond to others. YOU, and only YOU...can do this - for yourself! What a lovely gift to give yourself this time of year...a new beginning! Merry Christmas, Laura...Much Love. 
15 Dec 10 by member: jsfantome
ok jsfantome you have me in tears, thank you so much for taking your time and encouraging me! it really means a lot and typed words just can't express how i feel....thank you.... 
15 Dec 10 by member: restlesshope
Also Laura, remember Paula didn't just start her WOE/WOL yesterday or 2 months ago. She has been at it a while with much success. Like I've said for quite some time now, we didn't put this weight on over night and it sure isn't coming off over night. You can and I know you WILL succeed because you are a fighter. Take it from Paula, she has been there and has done it and so can you. Look at me for instance, I've not lost even a pound in 5+week. It's ok with me though, because I know I am making myself much more health. Other things great are happening too. I'm not sick as much, I don't hurt as much, I don't have headaches anymore, my skin looks much healthier, etc, etc. 41 pounds is so wonderful. You are doing it and you will. boot kick, boot kick. I know those cleats must have hurt and I don't want to have to kick you anymore.lol I know you have it in you and I know you need lots of hugs, hugs, hugs, right now. I will also pray for you. You have a good day and smile that beautiful smile.:):) 
15 Dec 10 by member: LauPug1
Laurie - you are so right!!! I started almost 2 YEARS AGO!!! That's right...Jan 1, 2009...and I started w/ low fat and exercise. I am a very determined woman when I put my mind to something...and I dieted my butt off all that first year...went to the gym...sometimes 2x / day, and MANY MORE than once did I say to my husband...'this is for the birds!' When is this thing going to 'kick in'!!! I was killing myself doing all I knew to do...and my results...were minimal at best. (13 lbs in one YEAR!) AAAGGGHHH! Then came Atkins. We all have our war stories...mistakes we've made...the ups, the downs, the stalls, the cravings... But once I got this thing going (about mid-march of 2010, that's when I joined FS) ...the decision was made. It was a done deal, and I knew if I could TEACH myself to troubleshoot this WOE and make it work for me... than I could do whatever it takes...I would eat what it said to eat, I would eliminate what it said to eliminate...I wanted to give myself the BEST POSSIBLE chance at succeeding! But the very first hurdle I had to get over...was my own self image problem...and thinking I or it - just didn't matter. A few pounds would be great...if they would just come off... But you know what...YOU go grocery shopping...YOU cook your food...YOU decide if you are going to go for that walk... It doesn't just come off by itself. And Laura, you are doing a fantastic job. Can you do better? Only you know that. Do you want to do better? Only you know that too! But no matter - either way - LOVE YOURSELF - make a commitment to yourself - to finally make this about YOU. Because you WANT this! And then...have some fun with it! Celebrate every stinkin' pound that goes bye-bye...and never look back! Go buy new undies w/ a smile on your face! Dance in the dressing room where no one can see you! Let out a little squeal when the scale changes/drops again into a new decade (that's what I called it!) And all the while keep thanking that woman in the mirror, for sticking w/ you and loving you right back! We all need someone to come alongside us every once in awhile...others did that for me...and I am more than happy to do that for you! Love. 
15 Dec 10 by member: jsfantome
Paula, Paula, now you have me crying. You are 100% right though.:) 
15 Dec 10 by member: LauPug1
Laura I have nothing to add to what's been said already! That's a first! Me with nothing to say! Lol but just want you to know I understand what your going through and agree with all the above! In other words, Leanne was ere! 
15 Dec 10 by member: Mccmad
lol leanne don't think it doesn't matter when you get a hug and some one else joins in it is still a hug, just a little stronger love my buddies! and yeah i can do better and i will do better but one thing you said paula that i had not thought about. i never look into the mirror and see that person that looks back at me a a battle buddy i always see her as the person i am up against... guess i will have to see if i can mend some fences and apoligize to her see if she would be willing to still work with me even though i have called her every name in the book and told her off countless times might be intresting to try to make friends with her instead of hating on her all the time. one thing is for sure she isn't going any where any time soon she hasn't left yet despite my best efforts. maybe i could help her along her way . kinda my diet buddy at home. wonder what its like to be nice to her instead of critizing every thing she does. i am going to try treating her as a stranger for awhile instead of the one whose dirty little secrets i know and will tell if she is not good... man i kinda feel sorry for her that i have been so mean to her... 
15 Dec 10 by member: restlesshope
That's a girl. Get back up and now you can do it! Woot, Woot! 
15 Dec 10 by member: Cindy Thompson
Way to go Laura. Yes, you can do it. Sounds like you have a great plan. Hope you feel better soon. Take care and know that we are all here anytime you want to vent, talk and laugh.:) 
15 Dec 10 by member: LauPug1
Love your honesty...and truth be told...we can all probably relate!!! Overeating, gaining weight, putting ourselves down, or second, or last... well, let's just say - that doesn't often happen to people without a few other issues going on inside! Once I figured out that I actually like me ...(most of the time)...and that I am 'likeable' by others (some of the time)... :))) it made becoming friends with myself a whole lot easier! She is on YOUR side! Trust me on this...YOU ARE SOOOO WORTH IT - Now, pysch yourself up to review the basics...build a plan...work your plan...and ask that lady in the mirror to be your greatest CHEERLEADER!!! Love Yourself Laura - one day, you will turn around and face the world ready to give and receive love...because your heart is just so full you won't know what to do with it, except give it away!  
15 Dec 10 by member: jsfantome
What inspiration in these entries! OK, group hug......... 
15 Dec 10 by member: Sandy701
HUG!!! 
15 Dec 10 by member: jsfantome
I LOVE your new avatar. You look so much thinner than your last avatar. So pretty.:):) 
15 Dec 10 by member: LauPug1
just<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/... name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/... type="application/x-shockwave-... allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>... a song that i thought we could all use! 
15 Dec 10 by member: restlesshope
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/... name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/... type="application/x-shockwave-... allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>... 
15 Dec 10 by member: restlesshope

     
 

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