17 Sep 10
JulofDenial's Journal, 17 September 2010
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Boy, have I been battling some maddening cravings! We're talking intense visual battles... the onslaught of graphic mental images of cheesecake, chocolate shakes, turtle sundae pie with Graham cracker crust...barbequed ribs dripping in honey smoked sauce and the meat just slides off the bone.
WAKE UP, COME OUT OF IT, BACK TO REALITY!!
The reality is that my body is fighting my self-discipline. When I'm alone in the evening, there is no one to tell me NO. I think about going for a drive until the cravings pass. I think about watching a movie, calling a relative or friend, working on my novel, but all I really want is the food! It drives me insane! Talk about mad lust! The body sure knows how to kick into survival mode!
So I gave in...stuffed 2,000 calories into my body in the space of an hour. Then I waited in pain for the fluid to break down the bolus(es). And then...release.
This time, I videotaped the event. I decided that if I documented the pain, the time, the suffering, the trouble, the sense of imprisonment in my mind...I would watch the video the next time I had a major craving and it would act as a deterrent. Because the problem with this behavior is that the sufferer never remembers the suffering, only the complete and surrendered pleasure of eating to one's limit. The gustatory overindulgence in a variety of flavors and textures is a significant emotional journey each time it occurs. How do you put a stop to a pleasure trigger? You have to create some form of negative reinforcement. The only way to do that is to force yourself to watch videos of yourself or others going through that humiliating, embarrassing, tortuous process from start to finish. I didn't record the eating part, only the removal. I don't NEED to record the eating; my mind remembers that part all too vividly.
Lost so far:
Still to go:
Diet followed reasonably well.
Entries for 17 September 2010:
Fat: 7.89g | Prot: 8.08g | Carb: 94.16g.
Red Delicious Apples, grape.
Fudgesicle, Quaker chocolate rice cakes.
Atkins chocolate caramel mousse bar.
Activities & Exercise:
Sitting - 10 hours, Resting - 6 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours.
JulofDenial's own diet
gaining 0.0 lb a week
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