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Anxiety/Depression/ADHD/PCOS mini-rant.. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand; panicked, like I seriously need to do something to move forward (on like 7 specific projects and goals at once), but also feeling a little paralyzed with fear and anger at myself. It's so funny that something as simple as a few hours of studying or cleaning my room could make me feel that deeply scattered and stuck and ashamed. Sometimes I feel inspired and fine, but sometimes I feel *so* afraid that I'll keep to sabotaging myself forever and it'll hold me back in a serious way. It's the same with food; two steps forward, two steps back, over and over. I've been trying to get started on some studying since 1:00 this afternoon, and I haven't done a thing. My room is a mess even though I've been meaning to clean it for months. These things are so small, but they feel so BIG. Why do I do this to myself? How can day after day pass with me knowing my goals and not checking them off? I'm 22 years old; how are these things still so hard for me? What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside - watching myself make a plan and then blow it off, make a plan and then blow it off.. I'm feeling so mad at myself. It's like I'm forcing my way upstream. I feel pressed on by low energy levels, overwhelmed with a tense/defeated mood, and like I just can't settle my mind down. I can hardly finish a thought before the next one jumps in, and many of them are fearful or painful.I impulsively watch youtube videos and listen to podcasts and cook to drown the thoughts out because there's just too many at once and it's uncomfortable to sit in silence with them. Hours later I'm looking up, kicking myself for not being more productive, and the guilt feels so heavy that I distract again. I know I'm not a bad person, I know I'm not unintelligent, I know I'm capable, I know how to set goals.. I truly feel confused and scared by this tendency to waste time. At this point trusting and believing in myself makes me feel naive. I wouldn't trust somebody else who acted this way to get things done, so why should I trust myself to get things done? Why should I trust myself to do *anything*? Sometimes I feel like I have no other choice to to resign myself to under-achieving, but that feels scary too, so I remain in this weird, unsettled state of limbo. I know I'm in a process and deep down I do love myself and know I'll be alright. It's a nice day out, my boyfriend loves me, I feel strong in my faith and Loved by God in spite of everything. I'm just stuuuuuck... :'(
Diet Calendar Entries for 26 May 2017:
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1361 kcal
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Fat: 87.42g | Prot: 77.76g | Carb: 71.25g.
Breakfast: 2% Fat Milk, Ketchup, Nathan's Famous Bun Length Skinless Beef Franks. Lunch: Cantaloupe Melons, Oscar Mayer Traditional Bacon. Dinner: Kirkland Signature Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs, StarKist Foods Tuna Creations Zesty Lemon Pepper, Ken's Steak House Ranch Salad Dressing (1.5 oz), Giant Eagle Cherry Tomatoes, Arugula Lettuce, Baby Spinach, Kale. Snacks/Other: Cooked Carrots, Cream (Half & Half), Slim Jim Original Beef Stick, Peanut Butter, Creamy Chocolate Frostings. more...
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2005 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Fitness Training (Workout) - 15 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 45 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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1 to 20 of 22
 Comments
I have the feeling getting a bunch of people from the community together for coffee would be really cool. :) Thanks as always.
26 May 17 by member: LaShrebeka_BeastMode
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breathe deep take a step back , regroup. tomorrow is another day of hope. you can do it. we believe in you
26 May 17 by member: jerrykul
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Are you looking for advice, or are you just venting?
26 May 17 by member: soonsoonsoon
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soonsoonsoon: that's so insightful to ask :P I think mostly venting, because I might not be able to handle criticism well atm. If some advice springs to mind though, feel free to pm me.
jerrykull: Thanks man. :)
26 May 17 by member: LaShrebeka_BeastMode
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Breathe....take a few small tasks that you have the most possibility of accomplishing even if they are not the biggest priority. Then move onto more important tasks. For me, a cluttered space gives me a cluttered mind. As for your diet and exercise plans, nothing feels better than being true to and honest with yourself. Reset yourself and get into the rhythm of doing what you know will help you achieve your goals. If you drop the ball, as soon as possible, pick it up, no judgment, no beating yourself up and start over.
26 May 17 by member: 2426girl
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You can do it! We all fall off track once in awhile. It's OK.
26 May 17 by member: erink78
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Venting is always a good stress reliever. But if these feelings are daily and become overwhelming then you may need to see a physician. It could be an anxiety disorder, mild depression or a case of ADD. My son was going through the very same thing and finally sought help with his ADD.
26 May 17 by member: igot2go
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You can also try setting small steps for yourself such as "I will spend 20 min cleaning my room. It will not all get done this time, but it will be better". When I feel overwhelmed by a task, I have to just "eat the elephant one bite at a time". And as Igot2go said, if this is a daily and overwhelming feeling...time to see a doc. We are all pulling for you.
26 May 17 by member: BigBelle
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I thought I was the only one that felt like this. You are not alone. I have stuff all over this apartment that needs to be put away but it seems so overwhelming and I keep avoiding it. What I do know is it feels so good when things are straightened up and clean. It really gives me a sense of PEACE. I think what we should try to do is not look at the whole picture, but to tackle it in small doses. The same with losing weight. We know what to do but get sidetracked. The weight won't come off all at once (I wish) but if we just take it one day at a time, we'll get there. Bottom line is, you are not alone. You.., we can do it.☺
26 May 17 by member: CB63
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BigBelle and CB63 have great ideas about breaking up the tasks to smaller ones. Cleaning house doesn't have to mean 6 hours and the whole house. It could be 1 room each day. I too believe a messy or cluttered house stresses your mind and kills your will power to tackle projects. Making a list of small goals by priority can help. Clean kitchen on Monday. Do laundry on Tuesday. Go through pile of mail on Wednesday. Just keep in mind that the world won't stop if you have dirty dishes and if you need help try asking a friend over to help you.
26 May 17 by member: igot2go
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Beast, I don't want to sound like your shrink, but think of me as a caring mother of a friend for a moment. You are just the age of both my college children and my family runs VERY deep with chronic depression. What you are describing are very typical signs and symptoms of a moderate to medium depressive spiral at least, that is what I would tell myself or one of my kids. The inability to actually prioritize and follow through and stay on task even though the results are very important to you. This is classic and a short run of an antidepressant can kick you out of this, or some times doing enough, other, upbeat outside activities in the sunlight getting LOTS of vitamin D. Please see someone about this! You aren't crazy! You aren't incompetent! You are VERY intelligent and this is extremely difficult to constantly fight against. Your school should have a health center that is fully staffed. See them and get evaluated! Don't be brushed off with a 20 answer questionaire on this one, sometimes you actually need to talk to someone who is an expert in ALL the signs and is looking for more than the big bugaboos of, 'I wanted to harm myself,' and 'I had no motivation!' Okay? Take care Hon! Sondra 😘
27 May 17 by member: smprowett
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You have summed up precisely how I feel. Just stuck on out of control behavior or lack thereof.
27 May 17 by member: scissortail
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We've all been there at one point or another LSBM. For me and several others, what really works when we're bogged down is focusing on the short term...I tell myself that the next five minutes ARE important, make them productive and make them count. If five turns into ten or twenty so be it....hope that helps. Take care!!
27 May 17 by member: Steven Lloyd
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don't look at it as a big picture. do one very small task at a time. i had a double hip replacement. after hip 2 was done I had major out if control muscle spasms. this went on for months. I'm much better now, but get muscle issues with weather changes. 3 Saturday's ago I said wow I feel good enough to go to the gym. i did go and did more than I anticipated to do. since then I'm back to dieting and exercising. i lost 8 lbs. its the one small step to do one thing that changed things for me.
27 May 17 by member: matter24019
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You sound like a perfectionist who is overwhelmed by all these competing responsibilities and your overwhelming need to succeed. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I expect you have succeeded in vertually all your earlier endeavors. Trust me you are going to get through this and I expect it will be with flying colors. At your age I was a mess. I was overwhelmed by my fear of failure. I flunked out of college twice. Was drafted and went to Vietnam. When I got home, I returned to school, got all A's, built a house, got a good job, and life turned out pretty darned good. I am now 71, and cherish my memories of those awful early days of my youth. Now, I just think of them as character forming. Just know that things really do get better and you will get through this.
27 May 17 by member: GeorgeWood
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ps. If I were to offer one piece of advice that has served me well over the years it would be to make lists of the tasks you need to accomplish and prioritise them. I begin each day by taking out a 3x5 card and making a list of the things I want to accompish. I put it in my pocket and refer to it from time to time. I've grown to love my lists and feel like I have control over the tasks on the list and not the other way around. And believe me, even at this late stage of life, there are things I hate to do, and goals which can seem insurmountable. Yet I persevere and get things done, and those lists really do help.
27 May 17 by member: GeorgeWood
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Your comments have really touched my heart! I'm glad I have this chance to hear so many experienced, thoughtful perspectives. Thank you guys. 2426girl: Thank you, that's such sound advice. Doing the smaller tasks first does help me build up my confidence. :) Erink78: Thanks for the boost! :) igot2go: Yes, that's very perceptive of you. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 13 and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression when I was around 17. I'm currently working with a doctor and therapist. Sometimes identifying with the labels helps me and sometimes I find them to be self-fulfilling prophesies or chances to make excuses for not growing; it's an interesting balancing act. Label or no label though, I've gotten so much out of good therapy.
02 Jun 17 by member: LaShrebeka_BeastMode
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Great advice from Igot2go and BigBelle. What you're describing sounds very much like where I was a few years back when I suffered from serious anxiety. I called my thought process "Ping Pong Brain." Couldn't even finish a prayer without my thoughts veering off. Changed clothes five times before being able to pick an outfit. Marathon T.V. viewing or reading to escape. You truly could benefit from professional help. Once I was honest with my doctor I got the help I needed and now feel fine. You can too. This is NOT a willpower thing, it's chemical. Asking for help isn't showing weakness, it's getting your life back!
02 Jun 17 by member: Gerdgal
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*BigBelle: I love that. Yes. I think really focusing on the tiny milestones would be a good idea for me. When I was 6 or 7 and I had to clean my room I would just stare at it all at once and become so overwhelmed that I'd burst into tears.. sometimes I still feel like that little girl. :) But tiny goals one at a time is a great idea. *CB63: NO, you're definitely not the only one that feels like this! :) If it bothers you consistently, I encourage you to share more with people you trust about how you've been feeling. Thank you for sharing, and for the advice. Yes, yes, we can definitely do it. *smprowett: You're right on target. :) My mother has moderate to severe depression and my Dad has has pretty severe ADHD, and both have their fare share of anxiety. You can see what I wrote to igot2go in my comment above. I haven't seen my therapist for a few weeks, so I'm excited to go in again next week and I've booked with her through the summer. Thank you so much for sharing so deeply! I can feel the motherly support and it's a real comfort to me. *scissortail: I'm glad to have helped you feel a little bit less alone then. :) There are lots of ways to feel a little more normal again. Wishing you comfort and good company as you keep moving forward. *Stephen Lloyd: I love that! Yes. The next five minutes ARE important. :) Sometimes even committing to 10 can feel overwhelming. But five.. five I think I can do, to get me on a role. :) Thank you. *matter24019: Wow! What an inspiration. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing and for the encouragement. *april761: What a thoughtful message. :) It's so comforting to hear how these little kinks get worked out over time. It helps me feel more hopeful about my future. Thanks so much. HCB: Love it. So simple. Georgewood: I LOVE your story. Thank you for sharing it! I can feel the wisdom, peace, strength, and joy you've gained in your life through your writing. I love the simplicity of a 3x5 card and that idea of having control over your lists rather than being controlled by them really resonates with me. Thank you.
02 Jun 17 by member: LaShrebeka_BeastMode
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