Jitterbug23's Journal, 17 April 2018

I lost my pup, my best friend Layla, 3 years ago today. I was deep in my addiction when I had to put her down. At that time the pain was easily masked by the needle and the bottle. Today I feel it full force and am fighting to arrive in a healthy way. Just when I feel a bit of comfort after a prayer, a fond memory, a cute puppy picture... the addict still stuck in my head pops up with "just go get some wine, that'll calm things down. Take a few of those advil PM's & just go to sleep & stop thinking about it. Eat the rest of that bag of chips." So more prayers are said and a few more minutes pass by. I'm proud to be sober but ashamed & frustrated that those junkie go-to thoughts still have a voice in my brain. They get in the way. They won't win but I'm sick and tired of having to push them out of the way. But on the other hand, I guess all that pushing will eventually make me stronger. Thanks for giving me a safe, comfortable, and supportive place to vent all this. Have a great afternoon my friends 🤗 #720daysclean

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Comments 
I am very sorry for your lost. A dog has such a purchase heart, it's almost harder to lose one than some family members. 
17 Apr 18 by member: abbadabba
Pure not purchase! 
17 Apr 18 by member: abbadabba
So sorry for your lost. Thankful you've been able to resist the temptation to give in to addiction. Hopefully as time passes, it will become less of a thought in your head. Hugs. 
17 Apr 18 by member: LSG417
Prayers for you. I know the struggle all too well. The voices telling me to eat and take meds to sleep. 
17 Apr 18 by member: Melissat2008
Ugh, that was loss in my post. Hate flipping auto correct! 
17 Apr 18 by member: LSG417
I am so proud of you and happy for you. Just keeping pushing and doing what you know is right! 
17 Apr 18 by member: siamese_barbie
Share as much pain as you need to. The group has broad shoulders. Prayers for you to continue to overcome your addictions, one day at a time. ❤️ 
17 Apr 18 by member: teskandar
Just when you feel you have been through the wringer you hear a heart breaking story like this that makes you realize someone always will go through something worse...I love animals and my maxie is my best friend I get that type of love....I was taken way back by your story...for the reason you project such a positive attitude I hadnt realize sweetie what your soul has been through... I have wallowed myself after my son was killed..its so easy to fall like that...especially when its difficult to even breathe... anything to rid you of the pain...I admire you for your strength and courage doll... you have become even closer to me now your in my heart ...thank you for sharing .... I love who you are xoxoxo;) 
17 Apr 18 by member: maxie4
I understand your loss so much, it’s heartbreaking. Be strong, you sound like you are doing so good for yourself. 720 days clean, I am very proud of you. 💜💐 
17 Apr 18 by member: skinnyminny54
You might consider volunteering a little time in a hospital if you can. There are so many people out there who could use a little support. It helps you take yourself away from some of your own issues and help another person. 
17 Apr 18 by member: Kenna Morton
What was said above.. be damn proud of the 720 accomplishment. It is a battle every damn day with those thoughts. While they will quite over time, the fight is there every day. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep fighting those thoughts. Know there are many both near and far that fight along side you.  
17 Apr 18 by member: JLente
So sorry for your loss and daily struggles. Perhaps why don’t you check into volunteering at a pet shelter. There are so many pets that need some love until they find a permanent home. You can walk them, keep them company and meet some new people who would have a positive influence on your life! Just think about it. 
17 Apr 18 by member: IWTBH
So sorry for your loss and so very proud of you for hanging in there! Prayers! 
17 Apr 18 by member: Gingerk65
sending healing thoughts your way. sorry you lost your fur baby. they really do become a part of our families. congrats on 720 days. be encouraged. stay strong. hope tomorrow is a better day! 
17 Apr 18 by member: marshakanady
Congrats - I am drug free 32 years - and still have thoughts once in a great while...it i normal. 
17 Apr 18 by member: HCB
I’m so sorry for you pain and loss. You have amazing strength. Hugs to you! 
17 Apr 18 by member: momma6224
I am so sorry for the loss of your fur baby. We have a sweet 14 1\2 yr old puppy that we dote on. I worry all the time about losing him. But I know one thing for sure. I will not drink over it. This alcoholic knows that my mind is not my friend. It will always try to get me to succumb to one addiction or another. Another thing I know for sure I don't want 1 drink or 1 piece of candy. If I start I will binge - if not today, the next or the next. Eating in a mindless, self destructive way is why I'm here. Getting support from folks who know what I go through and support my program to be abstinent from that behavior. One day at a time. Thank you all for being there for me. You know we are there for you. 
17 Apr 18 by member: JackieSpahr
I’m so sorry for your loss. 
17 Apr 18 by member: drshellking
More prayers coming your way Sweetie❤️ 
17 Apr 18 by member: 8Patty
Putting down a dear dog friend is devastating. Sending you healing thoughts. Stay strong! What an amazing thing to embrace sobriety for 3 years! You’ve got this! And know the pain and sadness over Layla that you are feeling is the love you had, and a positive affirmation that you are no longer masking the hard challenges... 
17 Apr 18 by member: Laugh at.cabbage

     
 

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