Emerald17's Journal, 03 April 2018

REALLY angry at myself for allowing it to get this bad. I am now at the heaviest I've ever been NOT pregnant. :'( I didn't actually weigh myself. I'm guessing based on my weight from 2 months ago. I know I'm heavier now. It doesn't help that when I figured out how heavy I was, I got discouraged & depressed, and just ate because I thought: "what's the point? I'm never going to lose this now." But today, is a new day. Enough is enough. I can't keep beating myself up because it's NOT helping. Yes, there was A LOT more stress and worries on my plate these last few months...heck, entire last year too.....but I NEED to find a way to push through and see if I actually AM able to get back to the healthier me that I was before I moved here. I just feel so disheartened right now. I hate what I see in the mirror. HATE. I hate that I hate myself. How can I teach my kids (or any child I come across) to love themselves, if I don't even feel that way towards myself??? Today is my first day back on FatSecret and my first day back of "determined DAILY workouts". First day back was rough. Tomorrow will be even worse. I'm not going to lie to you or myself and say, "yeah, I'll be totally motivated" tomorrow. It WILL be a struggle. I WILL have to force myself to push through my negative thinking. And I WILL still hate what I see in the mirror............but hopefully...HOPEFULLY....that won't last forever. HOPEFULLY....I'll be proud of myself again. HOPEFULLY.....I'll stop crying because I look and feel like crap. PLEASE HELP ME get there FatSecret. I'm looking straight ahead...and can only see miles and miles of what "feels" like an incredibly impossible journey. I already want to give up and I've only just started. I just want to be a better me....physically, emotionally, mentally.....FOR me, my family, friends, and anyone I come across. There's a quote from Aragorn in LotR (Lord of the Rings), that has been constantly replaying in my head: "I give hope to men, but leave none for myself". That is exactly how I feel.... :'(

*TODAY'S WORKOUT*
1) Running App: 22 minutes (too tired to complete the full 35 minutes)
2) Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred" w/ weights
-Jumping Jacks: 2 x 20
-Pushups: 2 x 5
-Squats w/ Overhead Press (two 8lb. weights): 2 x 18
-Crunches: 25
-Lower Ab Crunches: 2 x 10
-Jumping Jacks: 2 x 30
-Butt Kicks: 2 x 30
-Oblique Crunches: 1 x 20 each side
-Flies w/ 8lb. weights: 2 x 30
-Rows w/ (2) 8lb. weights: 2 x 15
-Lunges w/ (2) 8lb. weights: 1 x 20 each side
-Jump Rope: 2 x 30
-Squatting Punches: 2 x 25
-Bicycle Crunches: 1 x 45
-Standing Oblique Crunches w/ 10lb. kettlebell: 2 x 25
-Jumping Jacks: 30
-Butt Kicks: 30
-Squatting Punches: 30
-Jump Rope: 30
-Single Arm Overhead Press w/ 10lb. kettlebell: 2 x 15 each side
155.0 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 37.0 lb.    Diet followed poorly.

Diet Calendar Entry for 03 April 2018:
380 kcal Fat: 25.24g | Prot: 30.30g | Carb: 4.92g.   Breakfast: Fat Burning Protein Powder, Via Instant Pike Place Roast. Lunch: 5 Minute Keto Egg Drop Soup. Snacks/Other: Metabolism & Energy Plus Thyroid Support. more...
on diet LCHF: Low carb, High fat / Ketogenic Diet   gaining 0.4 lb a week

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Comments 
be encouraged. stay strong.  
03 Apr 18 by member: marshakanady
I have been there. You CAN do this. The start weight on my profile is actually lower than where I started, I was up very close to 150lbs when I started. My daughter asked me to go on a cleanse with her because she was at 180lbs. I knew I had to be a better example for her and my husband, so the next day I got serious and quit making excuses. I really started seeing results when I cut out all non-natural sugar and did a 30min workout after work. I love Jillian's Shred video too! 
04 Apr 18 by member: Peasy3
Be the best caregiver for your vessel, you are worth the effort!  
04 Apr 18 by member: dhatura
A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. You have taken the first step. Proud of you. Tomorrow take a second step. It took time to gain weight. It will take time to lose it, but you can do it. I believe in you. One day at a time.  
04 Apr 18 by member: teskandar
Girl, you are totally capable of doing anything you put your mind to. It’s hard to find the motivation to try again, but just know, you’ll never succeed unless you try! I’m praying for you girl. 
04 Apr 18 by member: the ceps
I wish you all the best on your new journey. I know for me that I had to commit to my new WOE and the long term goals. it had to more important than any of the habits I had that got me into the predicament I was in. Today is today - and that is what we are given - the future will take care of itself. You need to take care of you.  
04 Apr 18 by member: tahoebrun
Sounds like a lot! Hydration time!!! Will check in on you when I log in. Good for you. 
04 Apr 18 by member: BeingSuccessful
I feel your pain!!! I weigh more now than I did the day I gave birth. I have been hating on myself for a few years and decided to go public with my stats on FS to hold myself more accountable. What I didn't expect was to find so many wonderful people fighting the same battle, who are willingly encouraging me. YOU GOT THIS! You will succeed. We will succeed.  
04 Apr 18 by member: Carrie Petersen
Thank you SO MUCH for your extremely encouraging words! I wrote that journal 2 days ago and was very surprised to see all of these uplifting messages just now! Brought me to tears, because it was so unexpected. Today is Day 3 for me, and it was more of a struggle than the first 2 days. :( I could not finish my running app workout (only managed 18 minutes instead of 35). I DID, however, come home and complete the "30 Day Shred" video...though at my own pace. I also upped the weights (most exercises, I switched from two 8lb. weights, to two 12lb. weights)....so the workout video was ALSO a struggle. But at least I completed it despite my lack of endurance AND motivation today. My body hurts from the last couple of days, but I like it. Means I actually did something! Let's hope I can push through tomorrow. My fitbit keeps telling me to get my butt up! ;)  
05 Apr 18 by member: Emerald17
Suggestion, take it for what it's worth: 1) Don't be a tyrant to yourself. You have to work *with* yourself not against yourself, and certainly not punish yourself. Yes, you're angry and upset, and well, who wouldn't be. But you cannot take it out on yourself (or anybody). Imagine if you had a business and an employee. Even though you're paying the employee to do a job, you cannot bark orders with a heavy hand. If you do, you won't get the best effort from the employee, who will end up leaving. So, I don't know, but if your workout regime is too intense, and cruel, you'll be like that employee and you won't show up. 2) Weight loss and body transformation, is only 10-20% exercise. 80-90% is what you eat. Exercise is important, and some exercise is better than other, but even with really dedicated training, compared to what you eat, the effect can be pretty small. Anyway, you can get to where you want to go, and I'm sure you will. There are a lot of people on FS who will be cheering for you. Looking forward to hearing great reports. All the best. 
05 Apr 18 by member: HardDaysKnight
I agree with HardDaysKnight - weight loss is mostly what you eat and partly exercise. 
05 Apr 18 by member: abbadabba
I think you should LOVE yourself. Your body got you this far in life. It’s now time to show it some love- by giving it healthy food, some green tea, some yoga or other exercise. You can do this! You are strong and committed. And that is beautiful! 
05 Apr 18 by member: terrid1
don't give up ... you can do this! i know what its like to be discouraged i have over 150 lbs to lose and feel like i will never get back on track and lose it! We can do this together as a team all of us :) hold that pretty head high and lets get this done! :) 
05 Apr 18 by member: cherik1

     
 

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