Klynn82's Journal, 23 February 2018

Had a rough day yesterday. I started the day wanting to be positive and wanting to kill it, but by mid afternoon I was wanting to run to my car and eat the chocolates that are in there. My aunt gave me a box of chocolate at Christmas, which was before they knew I was starting Keto, and I just havent taken them from the car yet. It was a definite temptation yesterday. I didnt eat them though, but I was so frustrated and fed up. Just tired of being me sometimes.

I know its my fault that I am fat, I understand that, but I just get so mad at myself. Why did I have to eat 3 twinkies when I was a kid, why not just one? Why did I insist on 20pc mcnugget, why wasnt 10 good enough? I am hard on myself because of my past and I shouldnt be, but its hard to not place blame on that idiot girl who didnt know when to quit.

I want to share something that I have been kind of worried about for a few weeks. I didnt want to share it, but I know that this is a place that I can share things and not worry about people being unkind or rude to me about it. I have a lot of fears, and get a lot of crap from people about airing them so I dont normally, but I just have to right now.

First, I am worried about loose skin. I am so scared that I am going to look like a wrinkly gross raisin when I lose the weight. I dont have the money for corrective surgery, and I know that loose skin is going to be something I will have. You dont get this big and not have it when you lose the weight. I am worried. I am scared that even after all the hard work, I will still hate my body because its not what my mind perceives and "perfect". I told my husband, and he said that it wouldnt matter. He would love me and I should wear the skin with pride at how far I came, but I am just worried. I want to wear cute clothes, swimsuits, dresses, and not be ashamed. I dont know if I will ever be able to do that. And its my fault for not saying no to a third helping, or a large size candy bar.

Second, I am worried that it wont ever be enough. I want to get to 200lbs, because I am a tall, big boned girl with a large head and I dont want to look weird by being too skinny. Ideally. But, and here is where I am kind of scared, I saw a picture of someone the other day that was so skinny you could see every rib and my immediate thought was "I would love to be there" and then I shook myself out of that. That isnt healthy. My mind is telling me that I want to be bones, but I know, logically, I cannot be bones. I look at my calories sometimes and think "oh god, thats too many" and its not even at 1500. I had a couple days where I was at 1750, which is high, but no where near the 3000+ that I was eating before, and I beat myself up over it. I was mad, and upset. I am scared that I wont know when to stop. I wont be able to tell myself that I have lost enough, that I am fine now. I am terrified that I will never be satisfied.

This is the first time I have allowed that second thought to come out beyond just my own thoughts. I have not spoken to anyone about that, but its there, inside of me, eating my accomplishments, telling me that it wasnt good enough, I can do better. I will do better. Telling me that to be accepted, to be beautiful, I have to lose all the ugly fat, all of it. I have a long way to go before I have to really worry about that, but when that day comes, and I know it will, I am worried that I wont be able to stop.

I am actually in a really good place today. I am positive and happy. I just have these fears gnawing at the back of my mind. I dont dwell on it, because its not something I have to worry about right now, but I just needed to get it out. Thank you all for listening.

Diet Calendar Entries for 23 February 2018:
923 kcal Fat: 63.00g | Prot: 87.00g | Carb: 2.00g.   Lunch: Little Caesars Hot Wings. Dinner: Arby's Roast Beef (No Bun), Arby's Max Roast Beef (No Bun). more...
5501 kcal Activities & Exercise: Desk Work - 8 hours, Driving - 30 minutes, Resting - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments 
You have some valid points, but it is NOT your fault you are overweight. There is something underlying the condition. Think back until you can remember the first time you started noticing you were eating more. What was happening then. Find the cause, release the hold food has on you. I know I gained weight because my mother told me at least once a week, that she was fat because of me - she lost the extra weight with my older sister and brother, but when she got pregnant with me, she couldn't lose it. I heard it so often, I felt like I had to gain weight as punishment for making her fat. But - THAT WAS A LIE!! I accept that now, and still battle the "guilt" sometimes. Makes me wonder at all the pushing she still does for me to eat bread, candy, chips and drink sugary drinks now. Also, I used to weigh well over 400 lbs. Granted I'm not where I want to be, but enablers and food pushers beware! I will not give up! I might meet a mountain to climb, but hey, that's more exercise - emotional, mental, or physical. Meet the challenges head on. And begin right now using coconut oil or a very good body lotion with elastin in it to keep your skin supple.  
23 Feb 18 by member: SheaDlady
Anything you did as a child is what you were allowed and encouraged to do by your family, for better or worse. What matters is you are working on what you know is right for you. Loose skin can be made tighter with exercise - I don't know how much but there is that extra muscle that will help burn calories if you start lifting weights or doing body-weight exercises like push ups and squats. Take that candy into work or donate it to a senior center or somewhere that it can not be a temptation. I get candy and cookies all the time and I have to get rid of them right away or else they end up in my mouth! Hang in there, you are heading in the right direction toward a better you. 
23 Feb 18 by member: abbadabba
Let's just say I am who you called me "Fat Secret Mom" love that title I am honored to be your Mom, Kaaryn. This is what I would tell you, if I may. Life is hard, skin gets loose Get over it lol There is an answer to every question. Don't worry about sheet till it happens! Let's focus! Say 8 pounds a month is what we'll aim at. You have a plan, does it work ok stick with it. You have a job, you have equiptment so your moving ie exercising! Common sense says puts these two things together and you spell success. Still with me? OK I thought so. Now throw away the candy don't give it to someone dump that poison! Open the box dump it in the garbage outside so you can't jump in after it! Now see where I'm going, your a bright, intelligent, empathetic young lady of course you are you take after Mom😜 Everyday I want you to look in the mirror and repeat 3 times "I am a beautiful person" and smile. There is no one in this world that can make you fail but y o u! For that reason you need to stay focused, stay positive and remain the beautiful person God made you❤️ 
23 Feb 18 by member: 8Patty
Honestly u are doing a great job don’t kill ur self on stuff like that just keep it up loose all the weight u want if u have lose skin who cares when ever u get the money or u can finance it now and days at the end of the day u ll never make people happy so no body pays ur bills soooooo u do what a best for u  
23 Feb 18 by member: sal40
Here is my take on life in general. Can I see? Can I see the daffodils growing in my backyard or the sarcastic look my 21-year-old gives me? Some people are blind and can't see. Can I hear? Can I hear thunder and the squirrels scampering through the grass? Some people cannot hear. Can I feel? Can I feel a silky scarf or clean cotton socks on my feet? Some people can't. Can I smell? Can I smell sweet puppy smell or lavender laundry detergent? Some people cannot smell. Can I read, write, spell, learn, add, subtract, because I know people who have trouble doing those things. I am no longer young, and some people are. I am not skinny like some of the fashionable women I see at the mall. I am not as ambitious as most people, so I don't have a great career to brag about. But there are so many pleasures my faculties will allow me to enjoy that I have no right to complain about what I don't have. I love sweets and fats, and yes, I have overindulged to the point of now having some clogged arteries and too much fat around my heart, so I have to find a way to control my diet. That's why I am at Fatsecret. But I won't let my weight and health problems take away my joy in living. "This is it, this is life, the One you get, so go and have a ball." 
23 Feb 18 by member: Swiiila
You shouldn't blame yourself for overeating in the past. It's not your fault your body and/or emotions craved the foods -- those cravings are STRONG. It is to your credit that you are eating well now which, I think, is tough to do. Focus on how amazing you are to be making such tough changes. The fact that you worry about becoming addicted to weight loss and getting too thin shows you are aware of the possible problem. You won't do it because you are already watching out for the behavior and you have strength. You prove how strong you are now, every day that you eat well. BTW, have someone rid of that box of chocolates for you. Even the strongest people fall down sometimes. :) 
23 Feb 18 by member: MEJMV
You are doing so good - for yourself, for your health. Don't be discouraged, stay positive, stay strong!  
23 Feb 18 by member: MereSess
Thank you for that level of honesty - we ALL wrestle with things that haunt us. Some challenges appear to be larger than they actually are... be stronger than that... you can. 
23 Feb 18 by member: From371to184
About the skin - some massages can help a lot, and you can do it yourself! Just google "Dry Brushing", there are a lot of videos how to do it. And stay positive! I'm very proud of you! 
23 Feb 18 by member: AllowUs
one of my favorite phrases as it relates to food challenges ... Is a moment of Happiness worth a lifetime of sadness? stay strong my friend. don't let your brain bully your body, you can do it! 
23 Feb 18 by member: KimKimber
Sweetie, there are some very good suggestions from people already, so I'm not certain if anything I can add will be helpful. I can tell you, from 60 years of experience, living with the "what if's" can take away nearly all of the good things life brings. I am NOT dimishing what you are feeling..please don't think that at all!!! The "what if's" have been my constant companion for most of my life. "What if I get sick?", "What if I have a panic attack in the movie theater?" "What if the pain in my chest is a heart attack?" "What if I die before my daughter is out of school?" ....That is the way my mind was trained to think from an early age. BUT, Sweetie, if you grab hold of the reality and not the fears...you can actually LIVE a more wonderful life! Others have given you steps to take...coconut oil, small weight training, etc. I can only offer this suggestion. *hugs 
23 Feb 18 by member: Tachatna
First, please be aware that you are taking a VERY healthy step by sharing openly and honestly like this!!! And it is absolutely true that it is NOT your fault that you are where you at this time (though it is true that it is up to you to continue taking your good steps now!) As far as the loose skin, one super important factor is to lose weight SLOWLY, so you don't further damage your metabolism, and allow your body time to heal, including your skin tightening gradually. Also, dry brushing is great. And using a rebounder (mini trampoline). Blessings as you journey onward! <3  
23 Feb 18 by member: Ann Marnae
Extra fat can help kill you; extra skin won't. You are unlikely to end up getting to a weight that is too low. You are much more likely to find that losing weight gets harder as you get close to what would be a healthy goal weight and that your issue after you reach goal will more likely be remaining mindful so you don't put the weight back on. Your husband is a keeper!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lose the weight so you can live a long, healthy life with him!  
23 Feb 18 by member: kpwcalories
I don't know a single woman who thinks she is perfect yet or even "good enough". there is always something be wish we could do better, because we are always comparing ourselves to each other. self love me takes work and it takes time. Age helps, lol! These are things you should be talking out with someone you trust so when you get there, you're in a good place mentally. I love reading your posts, so keep it up! 
23 Feb 18 by member: pennym1
My understanding is that exercise, sufficient to make your blood supply do some laps around your system (which includes your skin) a few times, on a regular basis, is capable of tightening skin in time as cells die off and are replaced. But I can't produce a source of that info. Exercise is good, anyway. Don't beat yourself up about the past. You're working on improvement now and should feel good about that- just look toward the goal and be happy you have found a way there! 
23 Feb 18 by member: TomLong
As for the loose skin, try to lose weight slowly. Collagen rich foods like bone broth, salmon and chicken (especially the skin) help with the skin elasticity. I believe they all work great with the keto diet. Also, weight lifting helps too. I am combating loose skin myself (after losing 55 pounds), but I lost most of my weight quickly which left me with some loose skin on my inner thighs, knees and arms. I am now weight lifting and consuming bone broth every day and have seen improvement. Check out Dr. Axe's website, he has lots of good info on how to use the proper food to naturally fix ailments, illnesses and diet. He is big on KETO too. draxe.com  
23 Feb 18 by member: wantprebabysize
It is hard to see what you don't want to see. I am in the same boat as you. I don't like my body to be fat either. But remember we have to realized we need to change; then change. Our bodies are unhealthy. No matter how small you get it want give you beauty because you already have that. Some of the fittest smallest people are not beautiful. Beauty looks at herself and tries to make it lovely for others and that is just what I hear in your writing. You have to look up and look forward. Be willing to take a little criticism without it tearing you down because it comes to all of us. Use it to do better. Smile and remember you are beautiful. It isn't about how small you are it is about how lovely you are. This is inside; not out. 
23 Feb 18 by member: bonnie senn
Thank you so much for sharing this, it really hit so close to home for me. I've been depressed lately since my insurance won't cover excess skin removal unless it's medically necessary. I hate my body and have a lot of self-loathing because of the "I can't believe I've done this to myself" thinking. I've set up an appointment with a therapist to help me work on this next step. Something I've learned with weight loss is while you're working on your physical self, you have to emember to work on your mental self too. You've got this, all your fears and worries are normal. 
23 Feb 18 by member: aziggle
I feel its very important to get your fears out of your head and on to paper (or in this case - online) because it takes the power away from your fears. Our food addiction --- I am sorry for assuming you have one - I have one and I am sorry if I am projecting you have one because I am a thirds girl with 5000 calories a meal and I just ate a giant family sized kit-kat candy bar all by myself on Tuesday, only 3 nights ago --- What I am trying to say is "You are only as sick as your secrets!" That is a popular phrase going on in AA (which I have substituted AA for OA many times (Over-eaters anonymous) What ever keeps me drinking and over eating wants to tear me down to feed it's own selfish addiction and I don't know about you but it can be exhausting some days saying no to the multitude of temptations we face daily (candy in car included) You are a lot stronger than me. I have broke down and ate candy on more than one occasion and you are still going strong! I fear right now the scale wont make a difference because of the candy (popcorn, and soda slip up at the movies) but looking back -- that's 3500 calories I didn't consume every day before and after. So even though I am not perfect, I am 98% better off than if I had done nothing last month. When you get to your goal weight and need surgery for loose skin get a hold of me because I will gladly do fundraisers and donate lots of oney to your surgery. =)  
23 Feb 18 by member: KayseaLove
Watch this lady she has loose skin after losing 140 pounds. She is amazing. https://youtu.be/4lWH-rDaRSM 
23 Feb 18 by member: bonnie senn

     
 

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