Tachatna's Journal, 20 February 2018

My life style changes seem to hinge on my thought process and putting them in my journal really helps me. My apologies if it gets boring to you all!

I'm not certain when I came to the conclusion that I would always be ill. It probably started in my childhood.

At three years old, the doctors diagnosed me as having leukemia. As it turned out, it was a very severe case of mono. But, at the same time, my cousin (my age) died of leukemia. I remember being frightened.

Between the ages of 6 and 18, I suffered from chronic bronchitis. I missed weeks of school each year, developed pneumonia several times and came to the realization that I "wasn't like other kids". My mother did a good job of convincing me of that. "You can't go swimming today! You'll get sick!" was her mantra all those years. I came to believe it. Or, at least I came to accept her view that I wasn't like other people and couldn't do the same things they could. It was a lonely place to be. Life felt like I was just walking through the motions badly.

Depression, anxiety and panic were normal for me from the age of 13. There weren't meds to control it then...only tranquilizers to mask the symptoms. My mother started feeding me Librium any time there was stress in my life. I still remember the green and black pills she handed out so freely. Learning to take meds to "feel normal" became an accepted practice in my life.

Pills for anxiety. Antibiotics for infections. Codeine for cramps...the list goes on.

I was different from other people, I believed. I didn't have the right makeup to get through life without pills. They were my security blanket and I never developed any true sense of worth or self-esteem because I thought life required artificial help to make it through. It seemed everyone else lived life so effortlessly. I didn't understand why I struggled so hard and concluded it was "meant to be". I wasn't "normal" (whatever that was).

I looked at other kids and didn't feel I was the same. The need to belong, the need to be normal, the need to be needed, feeling always on the outside looking in....those were my truths for more years than I care to look at. It wasn't until I married Jan that I realized I MATTERED!

Gradually, with his support and love, I started to grow as an individual. I did matter. I started to believe that there were things about me that were good things...empathy, humor, intellect, interests, skills (everything from plumbing to sewing/crochet/crafts). I began to accept the things about me as things that were good and not things I should be ashamed of.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not making excuses for the way I felt. This journey to wellness isn't just about the physical. It is also about the insights we develop along the way within ourselves.

My willingness to accept the "artificial answers" in meds continues to be a challenge. High blood pressure..pills. High cholesterol...pill. High triglycerides...pill. Breathing problems...inhalers. The types of meds I took changed over time as different things popped up. I kept hold of the things I had come to accept about myself as being good.

NOWHERE in there did I come to the conclusion that I deserved to be healthy though!

I just accepted being ill with one thing or another was my norm just as my acceptance of being overweight became my norm. The older I got, the less incentive I seemed to have to do what I needed to do to be healthy. If they put weight loss in pill form, I would be skinny! lol

I finally came to the conclusion I deserved to be healthy, but I didn't come to it by myself. I came to that conclusion by watching Jan tackle his health problems by changing...changing the way he ate; changing the way he thought; being willing to actually WORK at being healthy. It was only then that I finally realized "I deserve to be healthy!".

He's been a great inspiration and example for me that allowed me to find that truth within myself. He never preached. He never forced me to look at myself. He never even suggested I do something other than what I was doing. He just led by example until I embraced the truths he had found for myself.

Now, that is a soul mate!

Self-esteem is a complicated thing. Too often we settle for what we believe other people think of us. Too often we settle for the old COMFORTABLE feelings (even if they weren't the accurate ones...they were comfortable). Too often we put our own well-being second to what we perceive is important for the people we love. That changes the day you look inside and say, "I am a good person and I deserve to take care of myself the same way I would take care of someone I love".

CHANGE IS DIFFICULT! Whether it is a change in old thought patterns or a change in behavior or a change that we have to adapt to that the world brings our way.

Taking care of yourself is the one difficult change for me!

I admire each of you here who are doing just that...taking care of yourself. You are inspirations.

Diet Calendar Entry for 20 February 2018:
741 kcal Fat: 49.43g | Prot: 50.85g | Carb: 20.86g.   Breakfast: Boiled Egg, Boiled Egg. Lunch: Skinless Chicken Breast. Dinner: Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing, Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing, Crystal Farms Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Lettuce, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Chop't Cucumber. Snacks/Other: Popsicle (Sugar Free), Popsicle (Sugar Free). more...
on diet Tachatna's own diet  

34 Supporters    Support   

Cheers to being better a caretaker of our vessels! 
20 Feb 18 by member: dhatura
I grew up with my mum dishing out pills or potions for everything. I thought it was normal until I met my husband. He made me realise, eventually, that all medications have side-effects and I shouldn't go running to them for the most minor of ailments. Now I avoid them as much as possible. Funny how we were brought up like that. I'm glad you've realised that you deserve to be healthy 🙂 
20 Feb 18 by member: Doobrie
So beautifully stated. You are the inspiration!! Thanks for sharing 💕 
20 Feb 18 by member: whiteheadmelanie
So wisely spoken. Thank you and bless you.  
20 Feb 18 by member: Happy*Snappy
Wow, you are s blessed to have Jan has a shining example and you become an example to us. You seem to pull everything together and make sense of it....that is a gift. Just by realizing there is a problem you are making big strides towards health. 
20 Feb 18 by member: Sally Forest
Oh wow. Having also grown up as a sickling, this is incredibly relatable. The constant in-and-out of hospitals and daily medication cocktails was my normal. For the longest time, I genuinely believed I wouldn't live to see 30 (haven't jumped that hurdle quite yet, but knock on wood!), so it didn't even matter if I so much as tried to be healthier. Being able to get past being a victim of my own circumstances and taking whatever control I could over my life was definitely a difficult process from a psychological standpoint. Glad you have Jan's support and example through this! Everybody deserves to feel good about themselves and be the best self that they can be - both inside and out. You got this! 
20 Feb 18 by member: Neurobeat
Thank you for your raw candid views it made me stop and listen and feel. You are a new person, growing ahead of many of us that are merely standing still. Your journal is such an inspiration in so many ways. You have touched my heart❤️ As you continue you are healing and healing us! 
20 Feb 18 by member: 8Patty
Wow, you have been through a lot. Your journal wasn’t boring at all. I am very sorry as a child you were taught to mask things with pills and to be made to feel “not normal”... I am so glad you are here, you do have an amazing supportive soul mate but also all of us here now! Also I have a daughter with some severe health issues and this just opened my eyes, I need to make less emphasis on her conditions and try to relax a bit... luckily her health requires no meds just lots of precautions and worrying for us. 
20 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
I could SO relate to what you had to say! Not a boring read at all. I too was handed pills and expected to medicate to get better. But some of the things wrong don’t improve that way. 🤷🏻‍♀️It took me 45 years to say enough, this is my normal! I’m taking charge of MY life! LOL and @ mamamc both my kids have inherited some if my health issues and we’ve known it since they were toddlers. We’ve mentioned it to them, told and verified with their family practice doctor and the doctor had me dealing with the initial dosing since I had more experience with the issues than they did and we wanted to keep it very low key and not let it take over either kids’ life. I still think it was the right call, but my daughter is pissed at me about it now that she is an adult because she says we kept it too low key. That when she went to us we just asked her questions about where the pain was and gave her a treatment to follow but didn’t explain why. LOL 💁🏻‍♀️You can’t win. I didn’t want to make their conditions a convenient excuse, ever, for them to check out of any part if life if I could keep it from happening. Being disabled because it’s too painful to continue is one thing, being able to check out because you have been told you are ‘sick’ or ‘not normal’ and so suddenly you don’t feel good because the stress brought on the problem? LOL That’s quite another, so parents can’t win! 
21 Feb 18 by member: smprowett
@smp I know the feeling, sometimes you just can’t win. With my daughter it’s just the no swimming in public pools, drinking lots of water, balanced meals, going potty often, making sure all clothing is only cotton (which her side of the family only buys her polyester 😩), making sure products are chemical/irritant free, resting often, knowing when to sit down so she doesn’t black out and break her face again, stress management, practicing yoga/meditation often, lots of talking and expressing feelings... it gets exhausting but pretty normal for us. 
21 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
Yes!!! You do deserve to be healthy. You do deserve love, especially from yourself. Glad you have such a good support system now. It's so important!  
21 Feb 18 by member: CoachKitty
Thank you for taking time to post this. I don’t think in my haste I thanked you before for reminding me to keep myself on my priority list, high on my priority list! Most times I’m not sure I’m even on it. LOL 🤷🏻‍♀️You are right about deserving to be healthy and doing for ourselves what we would do for someone else we love. Since I worked myself into disability though and had multiple doctors tell me I needed to slow down and that I had no reserves left, you’d be surprised at how many of those, ‘people you love,’ become resentful of any me time you spend and lash out and call you selfish. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m heading into a time of doing for others again and need to make sure and include that me time. Thanks for the reminder. It was timely and necessary!🙋🏻‍♀️ 
27 Feb 18 by member: smprowett


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